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New York, August 10, 2017 – United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres announced today that the UN has developed a plan to prevent the world from turning into an episode of “The 100.”
“We understand the grave danger our planet is in, and we all kind of want to keep breathing here, so we’ve developed a plan to peacefully settle any differences between world leaders with large stockpiles of nuclear weapons,” said Guterres in a press conference earlier today. “We propose any world leader seeking to settle their differences with another country through the use of nuclear weapons instead solve the problem with a good old-fashioned dick-measuring contest. President Trump and President Kim Jong-Un can simply whip it out and measure, allowing the rest of us to live out our lives, and the human species to survive for at least the next four years.”
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When asked how this would play out with female leaders, Guterres said he wasn’t concerned. “That’s not an issue. Female leaders aren’t going to blow up the planet to boost their egos. It just doesn’t happen.”
Guterres also noted that Russian Vladimir Putin might also be asked to take a measurement. “Russia actually has more nuclear weapons than North Korea, nearly as many as the United States. Should some disagreement arise between the two countries—and I can’t think of any reason it should—Presidents Putin and Trump may measure their dicks as well. But the United Nations will not pay for any golden showers—if the candidates want to whip it out with hookers, they can foot the bill themselves.”
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When news of the UN’s plan hit social media, fans immediately began demanding that Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau be included as well, although Canada has not possessed or maintained any nuclear weapons in most Millennials’ lifetimes. An American who posts with the handle @BoysAreMyToys2017 tweeted, “Make Trudeau show HIS assets. No one wants to see those old dudes doing a ‘Before’ ad for some late-night male enhancement product.”
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A group calling itself “Trudeau’s ASSet Assistants” now has 5 million members on Facebook. An overwhelming majority are American, although some Canadians and Russians have joined as well. North Korea restricts its citizens’ access to the internet, presumably to prevent them from learning if another country’s leader is better endowed than theirs.