Trump Trims Travel Ban, Bars Canada Goose Coats From U.S. | HumorOutcasts

Trump Trims Travel Ban, Bars Canada Goose Coats From U.S.

February 16, 2017
By

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Taking the advice of calmer heads in his inner circle, President Donald Trump today cut back his much-maligned ban on travel from predominantly-Muslim countries in favor of a narrower restriction on the importation of “Canada Goose Arctic Program” coats, which sell at prices in excess of $1,000 on the strength of a stitched-on quasi-official-looking patch on one sleeve.

goose
“There’s one now–get her!”

 

“Who is Canada Goose Arctic Program, clandestine paramilitary outfit?” Trump tweeted to his 781 million followers on Twitter.  “We should not let them in our country–Sad!”

Liberal nitpickers immediately piled on, noting that Canada geese are so-named not because they are Canadian, but because they were invented by John Canada, who was either a real or a fictional ornithologist.  “I can’t believe such an ignorant man is our President!” fumed Sandra Wallack of Newton Lower Falls, Massachusetts.  “Even my fifth-grade son knows the alternative facts about Canada geese.”

goose5
Low-fashion Canada goose.

 

Trump is the first President to elevate questions of fashion to a cabinet-level issue since Harry Truman, a failed haberdasher, became President following the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  “While I deplore the President’s continual assaults on our civil liberties, I applaud his efforts to raise awareness of the harm that a fashion faux pas can cause in an upscale yuppie watering hole,” said Diana Urstenbock, editor of Post-Adolescent, the first magazine to be made up entirely of advertising.  “Canada Goose is the ultimate ‘look-I’m-rich-but-I-dress-utilitarian’ label, even better than Eddie Bauer.”

goose2
“Wearing this coat makes me feel practical–in a very expensive way.”

 

Trump is the first president to carry the “football” that contains the nation’s nuclear “fashion codes,” and is said to have warned hostile powers such as North Korea and Nordstrom’s over recent acts of aggression.  “It’s really scary what he could do,” said Avril Lemaistre, a buyer for H&M.  “All he has to do is wear an article of clothing and boom–it’s instantly out of style.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com. My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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2 Responses to Trump Trims Travel Ban, Bars Canada Goose Coats From U.S.

  1. February 17, 2017 at 5:17 am

    They’re just trying to put new clothing on the same old loosey-goosey immigration policy!

  2. February 16, 2017 at 4:27 pm

    This story gives me goose bumps! 😉



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