Yellen to Leave Fed to Spend More Time on Air Guitar

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Janet Yellen, the first female Chair of the Federal Reserve System, announced yesterday that she will leave the board of the central bank when her current term expires next February, citing her desire to spend more time pursuing her interest in air guitar.

Yellen:  “I didn’t bring my air guitar with me, but if someone else has one, I’d be happy to show you a few bitchin’ chords.”

“Janet is a huge air guitar nut, but her playing has suffered because of all the time she spends running the economy,” said fellow Fed member Lael Brainard, whose name is an anagram for “darn air label.”  “She’s been stuck at the Joe Perry level for years, but has the capacity to perform an Alvin Lee solo with enough practice.”

Watch how the eye follows you around when you don’t spend it fast enough.

The Federal Reserve is the nation’s central bank and implements the nation’s monetary policy from the creepy eyeball atop the pyramid on the U.S. one dollar bill.  Air guitar is a form of pantomime in which a federal official pretends to play rock or heavy-metal guitar solos accompanied by exaggerated strumming gestures and an inflationary bias.

“Seriously–has anybody seen Hendrix since I started playing ‘Purple Haze’?”

Yellen has spent nearly three decades at the “Fed” and was said to be tired of the sometimes-partisan bickering among board members on matters of grave political importance.  “I’d literally be dialing out for Greek salads for lunch when Randy Quarles would butt in with a discount pizza coupon,” Yellen said with frustration.  “He says ‘Don’t do anything for Greece until they implement structural reforms.’”

“Doo doo doo, dah dah dah . . .”

Yellen will be 72 next August, and while disappointed that President Trump nominated fellow Fed Governor Jerome Powell to be the next Chair, she indicated that her decision was made for personal reasons and not out of professional disappointment.  “I’ve been trying to master Clapton’s solo in ‘White Room’ for four decades,” Yellen told Air Guitar Player magazine in an exclusive interview.  “It’s tricky–you have to keep your hands going and pump the air Wah-Wah pedal with your foot at the same time.”