You Win This Round, Low-Flow Toilet | HumorOutcasts

You Win This Round, Low-Flow Toilet

September 13, 2017
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As I once again stand here in the bathroom plunger in hand,  I must face the reality that I have once again been defeated by my arch nemesis, The Low-Flow Toilet.  You see, in California, if you do any type of home improvement projects in your bathroom, you are required by law to replace your kick-ass, high-suction toilet with an environmentally friendly nightmare known as the low-flow toilet.  This toilet is designed to use less water per flush than the standard toilet, which also means it can handle far less “action” than a regular toilet. And if there is one thing I want my toilet to do is handle all the “action” quickly and thoroughly.

Call me crazy, but I just don’t see the wisdom of cutting back on the device that pumps shit out of my house.   The lack of powerful suction leads to bi-weekly plunging sessions filled with cursing, shoulder pain, horrible stench, and a bathroom floor covered is sloshed poo water. It has become clear to me that whoever invented these things was either never potty trained and still shits in diapers, or is like your new girlfriend in the first 6 months of your new relationship, somehow surviving without ever taking a dump.

After living in Southern California for over a decade, I get that saving water is important.

  1. We need something to keep the entire state from burning down every year.
  2. With 25% of the economy based on guacamole production, keeping those avocado trees alive is a really big deal.
  3. And we can’t forget keeping actors hydrated, since the other 75% of the economy relies on successful Spiderman reboots.

Since I am way too lazy to start a “Bring back Full Powered Toilets” grass roots campaign to change any laws, its best I just find some workarounds.

My first thought is to do back to basics.  While in the house, everyone will now shit in diapers.  No more using the toilet.  When you have to go, simply head to the bathroom, put on one of the diapers, and do your business.  Once complete, just chuck it into my custom made 30 gallon diaper genie (patent pending). No need to worry about the flush quality when you just got toilets full of Number 1.  Plus, with half the flushes, you are saving even more water for actors who need to snack on guacamole after pretending to swing around New York City battling evil.  Now all that is left is to add “take out the genie bag” to my son’s chore list and I can sit back and enjoy my new plunger free life.

If I get resistance to project diaper genie, the other thing I can do is “Lighten the Load” a bit to help our poor, weak toilet.  Keeping the entire family in a constant state of diarrhea was definitely a thought.  I mean, that watery goo shouldn’t be hard to flush, but weighted against the money spent on doctor bills and a diet based on Taco Bell and Panda Express, it wasn’t really a workable solution.  I did find something more cost effective and safe at my local pharmacy.  Stool softeners.  All I need is a pill grinder and an bottle of Lowery’s Seasoning Salt to mask the taste and my delivery vessel will be ready for action  Then simply sprinkle it on all our food for family-sized soft poop that will easily slide down the pipes and out of the house.

The only other option is to flaunt the law and replace them with black-market commercial toilets.  Of course, you have to make up the water usage somewhere to keep The Man off your back.  There is one place go to stop for that.  The shower.  Honestly, no one needs to shower everyday.  I mean, look at the French.  They maybe shower once a week and they couldn’t be happier.  Sure they smell like a landscaper’s crotch on a summer day and everyone outside of France hates their pompous asses, but they simply don’t give a shit. I respect that.  They just walk around drinking wine, eating bread, and smiling.  I could get on board with that.  Especially if it involved artisan cheeses.  Plus, once everyone in my house stinks, no one will want to come over to hang out, saving me all that “our house is super clean and organized” fake staging time.  Super Double bonus action right there.

So enjoy your victory while you can, Low Flow Toilet. Once I start making my wife and son plunge those toilets, any one of these three options will be looking, and more importantly smelling, really good.  Except for the living like Frenchmen part. That will clearly smell terrible but will still be better than having moist poo-foot twice a week.  Better enjoy your clogging, pseudo-flushing bullshit while you can you low-flow pain in my ass.  I’m coming after ya, and I am bringing an aggravated wife with me!

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog, Bitterbeardface.com, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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8 Responses to You Win This Round, Low-Flow Toilet

  1. September 15, 2017 at 4:27 am

    With your year-round nice weather in So Cal, I’m surprised you’re not considering an out-house!

    • September 18, 2017 at 10:40 am

      I am but my wife refuses to dig any holes and having my son do it would break various child labor laws.

  2. September 14, 2017 at 1:05 am

    This is freakin’ hilarious!

    I thank The Lord that I live in New York City. I recently had to replace my toilet, because the thing was old and cranky, it leaked from the bottom every time it was flushed and it stopped up and overflowed too many times. I bought one of those “one flush” toilets that also has a powerful suction. It uses up much less water and it never overflows. HOORAY!

    Happy me! — except for the expense of buying this and paying our super to install it for me (I live in a co-op, not a rental place). My bank account hasn’t recovered yet, but it will.

    • September 18, 2017 at 10:38 am

      Thanks. I must say I am very jealous of your new toilet. I won’t even get into what happened this weekend with mine

      • September 19, 2017 at 1:26 pm

        Now you have me terminally curious. Can this be the topic of your next post here? Please? Please? Pretty please?

  3. September 13, 2017 at 6:08 pm

    oh David, I heard the toilet black market is run by the Russian mob. Be very careful in whom you put your trust for your toilet.

  4. September 13, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Now you know why I just keep paying my plumber to find old parts for my 1950s Case Toilets! They don’t make ’em like they used to.

    • September 13, 2017 at 4:23 pm

      They sure don’t. Wish I still had my old ones



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