FOXBORO, Mass. As Jalen Ramsey walked off the field following the Jacksonville Jaguars’ 24-20 loss to the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship Game yesterday, he received more than the usual amount of abuse dished out to losing players as they head into the visitors’ locker room at Gillette Stadium.
“Hey Jalen–where do I collect on that guaranty?” yelled Mike Antonucci of Shrewsbury, Mass., referring to Ramsey’s promise that the Jags would win the game and advance to the Super Bowl.
Ramsey: “Uh-oh . . .”
“Back off, man–everybody’s getting a rebate,” Ramsey barked back, raising an uplifted middle finger to indicate that the Patriots were number one in his heart.
The switch from a guaranty to a mail-in rebate was made on the recommendation of Ramsey’s attorney, Morton Sokolow. “The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises,” said Sokolow. “Jalen could have been in deep doo-doo.”
Sokolow’s last-minute legal advice was conveyed by an “audible” as New England marched down the field for the winning score, and will allow Ramsey to reduce his exposure with a suite of customer rewards that will be given out to fans based on their age and the amount they invested, financially and emotionally, in the outcome of the game. Proof of purchase of a game ticket, a 28.5 ounce bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, or a six pack of tasteless domestic beer is required to claim a prize, while attorneys for the parties will take home millions, as is often the case with consumer class actions.
“I . . . I didn’t mean it!”
Under the plan, fans under five years old will receive a tub of Artgum Modeling Clay. “Artgum is top of the line,” Ramsey told reporters. “You can make anything with it–dinosaurs, puppies–you name it.” Fans aged five to ten will receive two boxes of “Mike and Ike,” the fruit-flavored candy. “I like that stuff, man,” Ramsey said. “It’s got vitamin C in it,” he asserted, before Sokolow cut him off. “Strike that from the record,” the lawyer said to members of the press, and then in a sidebar to his client, “Jalen–no more substantive claims.”
Teenagers and fans in their twenties will receive a twelve-piece box of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks, tender haddock fillets rolled in a crisp, golden-brown coating. “Mrs. Paul and I go way back,” Ramsey said when he heard groans from reporters. “Young people oughta be eatin’ more fish instead of all them hamburgers and french fries.”
Adults will receive a counter-top appliance with a value not to exceed $30, unless they wagered on the outcome of the game, in which case they will receive nothing. “Gambling’s illegal,” Sokolow pointed out.
Sokolow and his firm will receive $10 million in fees, and counsel for affected fans will split $2 million that Ramsey found behind the sofa cushions in his living room.