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	<title>HumorOutcasts &#187; Simon Ellinas</title>
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		<title>UK&#8217;s Tony Blair says there should be a President of Europe</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/uks-tony-blair-says-there-should-be-a-president-of-europe/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/uks-tony-blair-says-there-should-be-a-president-of-europe/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 30 Oct 2012 21:29:27 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Tony Blair]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[UK]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=25023</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[FORMER UK PRIME Minister Tony Blair said yesterday that the solution to the problems of a rapidly disintegrating Europe would be if he was put in charge immediately. Democratically-elected, of course. Although the message was couched in none-too-subtle code such as &#34;I want to be President, please let me be President. Please, please, please&#34;, it was obvious that the socialist &#039;people&#039;s multi-millionaire&#039; is feeling the pinch looking after several large homes around the world and having to pay for his own holidays in Tuscany now that he is not a major leader. Simon Ellinas, cartoons, caricatures and writing ASK ME TO write &#160;items for your blog or website VISIT CHATTOON! &#8211; THE CHAT SHOW WITH CELEBS &#38; CARTOONS &#160; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>US Election Race sensational dope scandal!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/us-election-race-sensational-dope-scandal/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/us-election-race-sensational-dope-scandal/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 17 Oct 2012 21:49:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[america]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[election]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[mitt romney]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[US]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24472</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[LEFT: The next US President thinking deeply and carefully about Health Care Reform THE WHOLE OF the American political system was rocked yesterday by the revelation of a dope scandal enveloping the Presidential election race. Republican hopeful Mitt Romney was accused of being a bit of a dope which he strenuously denies. &#34;I stren, strenwy, er, I stren &#8211; ,&#34; he announced to a pack hall of reporters, thus fuelling suspicions that the rumours are true. Dopey The current incumbent, Barack Obama, has also been tainted by suspicion based on some of his policy decisions and delays to make policy decisions. American politics has been awash with dope scandals ever since Gerald Ford kept falling down aircraft steps. It seems that the country which brought us Disney&#039;s version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, with the specially-created character of Dopey and celebrations of utter stupidity in comedians like Jerry Lewis is in love with the idiot. Which goes a long way to explaining Ronald Reagan, Dan Quayle, Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Sarah Palin and, now, Mitt Romney. Silly An outspoken critic of the dope scandal, Senator Tip Headoverheels said: &#34;I think it&#039;s fine and dandy if you want to [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Brad Pitt and the US war on drugs &#8211; at the rate of $2,000 for 20 minutes</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/brad-pitt-and-the-us-war-on-drugs-at-the-rate-of-2000-for-20-minutes/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/brad-pitt-and-the-us-war-on-drugs-at-the-rate-of-2000-for-20-minutes/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:08:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Brad Pitt]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[satire]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[showbiz]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24364</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTAR BRAD Pitt went on the warpath against drugs abuse in the US recently with the completely selfless promotion of his new documentary The House We Live In. This is not all about the idyllic Brangelina lifestyle with hundreds adopted children from third world countries. This is a film all about why the US government efforts to fight drug trafficking are doomed to failure unless they find someone better-looking to organise it. Brad Pitt is notoriously expensive to interview at £2,000 for twenty minutes, so we had to stoop to making things up, as if you hadn&#8217;t guessed. &#8220;My drug days have long since passed,&#8221; Pitt told the Hollywood Reporter, whoever he is. &#8220;But I could probably land in any American city and within 24hours find whatever you want.&#8221; Well, that&#8217;s a generous offer. And he doesn&#8217;t even mention demanding a fee. Well, Brad, by this time tomorrow, I would like a pet Mastodon, a lifesize waxwork of Boris Karloff as the Frankenstein monster and documentary evidence with signatures that Piers Morgan is actually Britney Spears in disguise. We&#8217;ll see if he really thinks his drug days are over while he struggles to come up with that little lot. [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Sensational discovery by Mars Rover on the Red Planet! Howzabout that then?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/sensational-discovery-by-mars-rover-on-the-red-planet-howzabout-that-then/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/sensational-discovery-by-mars-rover-on-the-red-planet-howzabout-that-then/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 12 Oct 2012 22:24:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Daily Musings / Joke of The Day]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24276</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[EXCITED SCIENTISTS REPORT that the Mars Rover has recorded an encounter with an actual inhabitant of the planet. The Martian creature looked not unlike many well-known depictions of aliens by close encounter victims on Earth. The alien addressed the Mars Rover with a short speech which NASA linguists have managed to decode although the exact content of the message is a mystery to most Americans. NASA PR spokesman, Dale Gottlieb, said, &#34;This is historically and scientifically very exciting although we would have naturally expected a message of interplanetary friendship and co-operation. But the Martian just kept repeating over and over again: &#039;Jimmy Savile abused me&#039;. As yet, we have no idea what this means.&#34; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<title>Why did nobody stop Jimmy Savile?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/why-did-nobody-stop-jimmy-savile/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/why-did-nobody-stop-jimmy-savile/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 12 Oct 2012 14:15:20 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Daily Musings / Joke of The Day]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[celebrity]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sex]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[showbiz]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24236</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[LEFT: Girls, this is what a pervert looks like. Fairly obvious, really, isn&#039;t it? THIS IS THE question common to all newspapers in the UK. The pervert disc jockey Sir Jimmy Savile got away with abusing under age school girls over the course of his career at the BBC where his colleagues and bosses knew full well what he was up to. Spurious mutters about jeopardising his charity work have done the rounds but they don&#039;t disguise the fact the newspapers should simply be publishing this answer to the burning question: WE DON&#039;T KNOW. &#160; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>London Mayor, Boris Johnson on UK Prime Minister David Cameron and &#8216;Privileges&#8217;</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/london-mayor-boris-johnson-on-uk-prime-minister-david-cameron-and-privileges/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/london-mayor-boris-johnson-on-uk-prime-minister-david-cameron-and-privileges/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 11 Oct 2012 18:40:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[UK]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24218</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[CARPE DIEM, chaps! Well, it&#8217;s obvious that expecting some people to understand that would be ab asino lanam! Cripes! Some Old Etonians seem to think the Magna Carta is an ice cream! People keep coming up to me and asking if I want to be Prime Minister. Well, I can most categorically say &#8216;yes!&#8217;, I mean &#8216;no!&#8217; Why should the country get a new broom when they&#8217;ve already got a perfectly good old one &#8211; our own beloved leader, David Cameron? That cheeky chappie called me a &#8216;mop&#8217; the other day! Cave dicis! And he&#8217;s got a well-equipped Cabinet complete with dustpan Osborne, J-Cloth Gove and sponge-Hague. What a fantastic speech by our esteemed leader at the Conservative Party conference the other day! We will be &#8216;spreading privilege&#8217;, eh? Crikey! The man&#8217;s a genius! Just like butter or margarine, there will be a spread for all tastes and all budgets. Of course, a wily cove like Call Me Dave will still be existing on high class Etonian privilege with the majority of middle England satisfied with Lurpak-standard privilege. And the rest of you will be none the wiser with the cunningly marketed I Can&#8217;t Believe it&#8217;s Not Privilege. Well, chaps [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Television talent show is &#8220;not rigged&#8221; shock!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/television-talent-show-is-not-rigged-shock/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/television-talent-show-is-not-rigged-shock/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 10 Oct 2012 12:58:16 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Movies & TV]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[satire]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[showbiz]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[TV]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24160</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[THE WORLD OF showbiz and tabloid journalism was rocked yesterday by news that the TV talent show, The Wow Factor was completely above board and honest. In all circumstances, apparently, each contestant had won their place fairly based on their talent and absolutely no behind-the-scenes wheeler dealing had taken place to manipulate unwitting starlets into the spotlight.&#160; There were scenes of rage and dismay when the slightly ugly singer/songwriter Eric Lemons got through to the final round in spite of not having had any cosmetic dentistry whatsoever. &#34;It&#039;s just so unfair,&#34; said a Simon Cowell, 54. &#34;He can&#039;t caterwaul and screech histrionically like most really good singers and he doesn&#039;t look like a shrink-wrapped chicken which is what the public really want.&#34; Simon Ellinas, cartoons, caricatures and writing ASK ME TO write &#160;items for your blog or website VISIT CHATTOON! &#8211; THE CHAT SHOW WITH CELEBS &#38; CARTOONS &#160; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>BBC Sex Scandal &#8211; If you weren&#8217;t groped, you weren&#8217;t at the BBC!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/bbc-sex-scandal-if-you-werent-groped-you-werent-at-the-bbc/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/bbc-sex-scandal-if-you-werent-groped-you-werent-at-the-bbc/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 09 Oct 2012 10:34:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[BBC]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[news]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[UK]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=24082</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[MORE AND MORE victims of sexual harassment at the BBC during the Eighties are coming to light in the wake of the under-age sexual abuse accusations aimed at Jimmy Savile and other BBC stars. Radio One DJ Liz Kershaw and comedian Sandi Toksvig revealed that they were &#039;groped&#039; and that their complaints were considered &#039;amusing&#039;. Simon Ellinas, cartoons, caricatures and writing ASK ME TO write &#160;items for your blog or website VISIT CHATTOON! &#8211; THE CHAT SHOW WITH CELEBS &#38; CARTOONS &#160; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<title>Is Princess Diana&#8217;s former butler Paul Burrell really Prince Harry&#8217;s father?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/experimental-headline/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/experimental-headline/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 13 Aug 2012 22:04:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=21652</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[NO. Writing by Simon Ellinas Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<title>The Courtship of Prince Nigel</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/the-courtship-of-prince-nigel/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/the-courtship-of-prince-nigel/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:04:55 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[absurd]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[men]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[relationships]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=16280</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Prince Nigel is the Queen&#8217;s second cousin, twice removed (twice removed, forcibly, from Buckingham Palace. He now lives in Battersea). After leaving school, Prince Nigel settled into his bedsit with his collection of anoraks and proceeded to read the entire Inter City and regional railway timetables. Here, he relates how he entered the world of Society and met girls for the first time. IT WAS MY mother, Princess Tabitha, who encouraged me to sow my wild oats. Unfortunately, these seeds always spilled onto barren ground. But I had great success with pansies. As a normal product of the public school system, this was simply par to the course. I remember the day Mother interrupted my study of the Liverpool Street to Ipswich timetable. I managed to throw the thing out of the window before the burning pages reached my fingers. She has such a sense of humour! She  said that I needed to get a sex life. I told her I already had one. She said that it should involve more than one person. Such a bizarre idea! ‘You must get out more, Neil!’ Mother cried. ‘Preferably permanently. I&#8217;ve company tonight. Brendan, Sean and Declan are moving in.’ Mother was [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Quickie!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/quickie/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/quickie/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:42:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Daily Musings / Joke of The Day]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=15503</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[DO YOU THINK George Clooney has permission from the urbane planning department? Simon Ellinas Caricatures Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<title>English comedians Tim Vine and Mark Kelly having a chat . . .</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/english-comedians-tim-vine-and-mark-kelly-having-a-chat/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/english-comedians-tim-vine-and-mark-kelly-having-a-chat/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:18:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[celeb]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[John Landers]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[Tim Vine]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=12976</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[MARK KELLY interviews the UK&#8217;s leading pun master, Tim Vine while being cartooned by John Landers: This is the latest in my series of celebrity interviews, Chattoon!, all of which can be seen HERE. Simon Ellinas Cartoons and Caricatures Topical Humour and Satire The Chat and Cartoon Show Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<title>Prince Nigel at Martindales</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/prince-nigel-at-martindales/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/prince-nigel-at-martindales/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 14 Jan 2012 22:26:40 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[stupid]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=12821</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Not all royal princes had a tough time at the famous public school, Martindales. Prince Nigel, the Queen’s cousin twice removed (twice removed, that is, from Buckingham Palace; he now lives in Battersea), a little-known member of the Royal Family, staunchly defends the school and reminisces on his happy times there. BEING BORN with a silver spoon in one’s mouth has its problems. For a start it’s a hellish birth experience for the mother. Especially if it’s a soup ladle. And it makes it so difficult to talk properly. But beyond these petty concerns, it makes you a marked man. You stand out from the crowd. So, as one grows up, one becomes gradually conscious of being different. During the period when I was constantly being thrown out of Buckingham Palace, I spent days on the pavement becoming gradually conscious. I rarely saw my mother (so little is known about Princess Tabitha that there is speculation that not many people know much about her). She divided her time between the drinks cabinet and the sleeping bag next to it at our flat in Battersea. But I remember the day when she got a phone call from the Palace to arrange [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>&#8220;How are you?&#8221;</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/how-are-you/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/how-are-you/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:51:29 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Everyday Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=12422</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[WHEN SOMEONE asks me ‘How Are You?’ I always reply automatically: ‘Fine thanks, how are you?’ That’s what they want to hear. I bend to the whims of social etiquette. NO LONGER! The beast within shall rear its ugly head and when someone asks me ‘How are you?’ I shall say: Well, I’ve got a cold and my sinuses are blocked which gives me a splitting headache so that I can’t concentrate on work for long so I haven’t managed to fill the gaps in my schedule and the money’s running out what with a house, family and several bad habits to support, honestly I think I’m working for the taxman and I can never find a pair of trousers with the right leg length and the work I do is purely for the money although it’s much better than working down the sewers I dare say so I get a bit depressed occasionally wondering about the point of it all and whether my dandruff will ever go away, not necessarily according to my doctor who I avoid as much possible, doctors actually make me ill. And you’re asking how I am? I’ve never been skiing or hang-gliding, never seen [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<title>A Mountain Out Of A Molehill</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/a-mountain-out-of-a-molehill/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/a-mountain-out-of-a-molehill/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 22 Dec 2011 23:12:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Everyday Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[friendship]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[social etiquette]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=11614</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I HAD THE most embarrassing experience once. You might think I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but, at the time I felt I was teetering on the edge of the Grand Canyon. There might have been greater misdemeanours in the history of mankind, but this suburban debacle threatened our friendship with Paula and Geoff. Paula is a sugar-coated almond. She looks sweet on the outside but is hard and brittle within. Her green eyes flash with the steel and determination required in a woman prepared, as she was, to consign her children to their own bedrooms right from birth. And it is probably the same emotional armour that enables her to cope with the frequent absences of her career-obsessed husband. Geoff is affable and quick-witted and sometimes resembles a bewildered rabbit caught in the headlights &#8211; a look earned, possibly, by his not knowing what hit him when he married Paula. This is not to say that he is totally passive. He can give as good as he gets. Their devotion to eachother usually cannot be doubted, but Geoff’s frequent business trips and company golf weekends smack of escape plans. They had recently moved house. During Geoff’s [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>The Ballad of Juan Kerr</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-ballad-of-juan-kerr/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-ballad-of-juan-kerr/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 17 Dec 2011 22:56:32 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Risque Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[absurd]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[lyric]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[song]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=11342</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[When I woke up one morning my girlfriend, she had gone. Well, if I was really honest I never did have one. But if I did have one she’d be bound to up and go: For I have halitosis and I live in Walthamstow (For he has halitosis and he lives in Walthamstow) &#160; I’ve never had a job I was good enough to keep. No-one wants a man around who’s like a compost heap. Things were getting desperate, no cash and no enjoyment. I thought to myself ‘It’s time you went on the market for employment.’ (He thought to himself ‘It’s time you went on the market for employment.’ Oh, Mr and Mrs Kerr, you always wanted a son, but why , oh why did you spoil his life by christening him Juan? The girl at the Job Centre said in a voice quite tired, ‘Here’s the perfect job for you- No Experience Required.’ ‘It’s a job in a bank,’ she said ‘Me, a banker? Is that my style?’ She looked me up and down and muttered, ‘It sticks out a mile.’ (She looked him up and down and muttered, ‘It sticks out a mile.’) It was definitely a [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Doctor Foster steps into a muddle</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/doctor-foster-steps-into-a-muddle/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/doctor-foster-steps-into-a-muddle/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:12:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[absurd]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[sketch]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=10999</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[SCENE: DOCTOR’S SURGERY [DOCTOR FOSTER IS ATTENDING TO LITTLE JACK HORNER] Dr Foster: Well, Master Horner, I hope that’s the last time you stick your thumb where it’s not wanted. Just rub this in twice a day for the next week. Jack Horner: Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye. [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] Dr Foster: [HARRUMPHS] I don’t know. Young people today&#8230; [INTERCOM BLEEPS. SECRETARY PAM’S VOICE IS HEARD OVER THE SPEAKER] Pam: Dr Foster? Dr Foster: Yes, Pam? Pam: There’s a common old lady on the line. She sounds desperate. She says you know her. Dr Foster: Oh yes. Put her through. Oh, and Pam, be sure to get those contraceptives over to that funny lady who lives in a shoe. Pam: Yes. Otherwise she’ll have to move into a welly! Dr Foster: [GUFFAWING UNCONTROLLABLY] Ye-e-ess! Absolutely. Now, I’ve a house call to make to some poor lad who’s fallen down a hill. Can you pack my bag with some vinegar and brown paper? [PHONE RINGS] Dr Foster: Doctor Foster. Can I help you? Old Woman: [BREATHING HEAVILY] ‘Allo, Doc. I’m not feeling too good. I wonder if you remember&#8230; Dr Foster: Yes. You swallowed a fly didn’t you? Old Woman: [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<title>The War of the Future</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-war-of-the-future/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-war-of-the-future/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:46:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[absurd]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fashion]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny stories]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[stupid]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[war]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[writing]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=10561</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[In this shallow, celeb-obsessed age, as style frequently wins the war over substance, your eagle-eyed visionary can foresee the types of conflict the world is heading towards. APRIL 2044, LONDON. The Channel War is well into its fourth year, as Britain gamely resists all attempts to be taken over by the Franco-German Union (FGU). The President of the Federation of American/Russian Territorial States (FARTS) is keeping a careful, neutral eye on proceedings and ensuring that the recently drawn-up Milan Convention is strictly obeyed to avoid any crimes of inhumanity. This war is unlike any other. It is only eleven years since the Treaty of St Michael, in which all conventional weaponry, including nuclear arms, were scrapped. In a historic period of just three years, every single nation in the world melted down their arsenals and contributed all useful by-products to the kitchenware and fabric manufacturing industries. Now, though, in absence of a single bullet or bayonet on the planet, a more sinister method of defence has developed. The FGU was the first to develop a sophisticated system of sartorial offence which could whittle away the enemy&#8217;s resistance in weeks, if caught off-guard. The first that sleepy Britain knew about it [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Time travel and other concerns</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/time-travel-and-other-concerns/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/time-travel-and-other-concerns/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 11 Nov 2011 10:21:16 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[absurd]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[british humour]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cliff richard]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[comedy]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[simon ellinas]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[stupid]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=9096</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[STICK WITH WHAT you&#8217;re good at. That has always been the advice of my young friend, Maxim. I have always been very careful to maintain a career in cartoons, caricature and comic writing. If I had taken a little less care, I may have found myself fronting a pop group on Top Of The Pops or dancing with the Sadler&#8217;s Wells Ballet. No. Truth will out. Stick with what you&#8217;re good at. It&#8217;s as true with writing as it is life. &#8220;Write about what you know&#8221; is the oft-bandied apothegm. So here&#8217;s something about which I have no knowledge whatsoever: time travel. Actually not many people know much about time travel beyond a few theories but I don&#8217;t even know much about these. However, with a little imagination . . . For a start, time travellers abound in our universe and, indeed they are making regular package tours in and out of our present. But we don&#8217;t recognise them, because we label their time machines as Unidentified Flying Objects. The assumption that these are craft propelled by extra-terrestrials can be dismissed by the probability that civilised life evolving within shouting distance of our own galaxy is very remote. It is [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>See your house from space!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/see-your-house-from-space/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/see-your-house-from-space/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 05 Nov 2011 10:26:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=8900</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Simon Ellinas Caricaturist London Caricatures at Parties and Events Topical Humour and Satire Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>A cartoonist writes . . .</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/a-cartoonist-writes/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/a-cartoonist-writes/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:29:39 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Writers]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cartooning]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cartoonist]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cartoons]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=7892</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Is cartooning viewed as a ‘folk art’ along with macramé, pottery and morris dancing? AS A CARTOONIST I am often asked, “Why don’t you bugger off?” This is usually from prospective clients. One receives the impression that cartoons are expected to be free, or at least, cheap. The rejection slip has gone down in folklore as a euphemism for the above treatment but is used mostly in connection with unsolicited single frame joke cartoons. Jokes and cartoons ABOUT rejection slips pour effusively from the wounded souls of The Cartoonists’ Club of Great Britain. Thus is humour the product of pain and suffering. My own experience of the “Why don’t you bugger off” syndrome usually occurs during the negotiations with a client. Common tactics employed by the client are as follows: • “Just a simple line drawing” results in numerous roughs and amendments • “We haven’t got any money but it’ll be good exposure for you.” Yeah, right. That one doesn’t work anymore, sunshine! • “What? £50.00 for a cartoon? I can get someone in the accounts department who can draw a little bit to do it for nothing!” But, of course, in the end the client is always happy! Except [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
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		<title>Woody Allen&#8217;s prose</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/woody-allens-prose/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/woody-allens-prose/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 27 Sep 2011 10:53:15 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[woody allen]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=7590</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[WOODY ALLEN&#8217;S fame for extracting humour from the serious side of life is well-known. And in many of his films, humour is noticeably absent as he mines the darkest recesses of the human psyche and relationships. So, a return to his earlier work, at a time when he was writing and performing stand up comedy is extremely refreshing. His unique viewpoint is the equivalent of surreal cartooning while often underlining many universal wisdoms. All this in an admirably economical use of language and cunningly crafted storylines. Although the style is sometimes dictated by his Jewish/American heritage, the subject matter is too wide ranging to be contained within such a narrow definition. And the subject matter is diverse. On psychic phenomena: &#8220;There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtrown and how late is it open?&#8221; On compassion: &#8221; Needleman&#8230;was capable of great compassion, and after witnessing a particularly horrible mine disaster once, he could not finish a second helping of waffles.&#8221; Sex: &#8220;&#8230;I found myself in a state of waxy flexibility as the last piece of bikini underpants slid noiselessly to the floor around her ankles while I lapsed inexplicably [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Nightmare at Macy&#8217;s</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/7195/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/7195/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 09 Sep 2011 21:39:05 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=7195</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[YOU’RE WALKING DOWN a crowded street and to your horror, you notice the people looking at you and laughing. They’re pointing at your nether regions and when you look down, you notice that you are not wearing anything but a skimpy sleeveless vest. For an unfortunate few this is painful reality, but for most of us this only happens in our night time imaginings. A harmless dream or evidence of a damaged psyche? Certainly, the fact that you are walking may be evidence that you possess a damaged cycle. You should always carry a spare inner tube. In fact, going to bed with a full bicycle repair kit and a pump can work wonders for your sense of security. Besides which, it could be fun. And never forget the Allen keys. If you are truly bothered by this dream, why not try a little mind manipulation to alter it? Actually go out dressed as you were in the dream. After a few days of nonchalant shopping trips, and some narrow escapes from the police, you will find yourself fully-dressed in your dreams surrounded by a half-naked multitude. One’s dreams change subtly as one matures. The under-dressed one is an old [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>The difference between Brits and Yanks</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-difference-between-brits-and-yanks/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/the-difference-between-brits-and-yanks/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 01 Sep 2011 10:58:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[UK]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[USA]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Yanks]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=7003</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[1) You say tomato 2) We say tomato 3) We clap politely and might, if extremely excited, mutter &#8216;Bravo!&#8217; 4) You whoop and holler and let loose with your Smith and Wesson six shooters 5) You go to city-sized shopping malls 6) We go down the road to the corner shop 7) Your taxi drivers are incredibly rude 8) We can&#8217;t understand our taxi drivers 9) You all go to psychiatrists like it&#8217;s a visit to the hairdresser 10) We use our hairdressers like psychiatrists 11) We have a Royal Family 12) You have Donald Trump&#8217;s family 13) You have very strange families in rural areas 14) We have the Royal Family in their holiday homes 15) We used to have an Empire 16) You have McDonalds &#160; Simon EllinasCartoonist, caricaturist, humorous writer and video producer. Humour's the big thing.More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>9</slash:comments>
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		<title>Michelangelo &#8211; The Missing Years</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/michelangelo-the-missing-years/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2011/michelangelo-the-missing-years/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 15 Aug 2011 08:04:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Simon Ellinas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[michelangelo]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=6331</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Hello! I&#8217;m back! I thought I&#8217;d let a suitable hiatus intervene after my recent epic daily postings of the Eric Preet Serial. This whimsical article was inspired when an airbrush illustrator friend of mine told me had a bad back and had to stay lying down. I just imagined the problems of painting while lying on your back. . . A RECENTLY-PUBLISHED book reveals that Renaissance painter, Michelangelo actually disappeared for three years. Albert Crust, author of &#8216;Michelangelo Actually Disappeared For Three Years&#8217;, explains: &#8220;It was during the painting of the Sistine Chapel that this strange phenomenon was observed. While inside, the great artist was perfectly visible, but as soon as he stepped outside, he would disappear. This was at about the same time as when he was lying flat on his back, painting elaborate Italian landscapes. What happened was that drops of paint were falling on him. Thus a replica landscape was being transposed onto his very person, from head to toe. Consequently, whenever he went out into the real Rome, he would merge into the background, camouflaged, as he was, by his own paint. &#8220;&#8216;Supernatural&#8217; incidents were widely reported during this time, but they abruptly ceased on the [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
		</item>
	</channel>
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