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	<title>HumorOutcasts &#187; Eric Hetvile</title>
	<atom:link href="http://humoroutcasts.com/author/erichetvile/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" />
	<link>http://humoroutcasts.com</link>
	<description>The Place to Take a Humor Break</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Thu, 23 May 2013 21:09:23 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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		<title>President Obama Officially Declares Mississippi A Disaster Area</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/president-obama-officially-declares-mississippi-a-disaster-area/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/president-obama-officially-declares-mississippi-a-disaster-area/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 23 May 2013 21:09:23 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[aid]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[disaster]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[disaster area]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[federal]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[FEMA]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Mississippi]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Moore]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Obama]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[oklahoma]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[President]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[tornado]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33337</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[President Obama today toured the damage left behind by the devastating tornadoes that rocked Moore, Oklahoma and the surrounding areas and responded by declaring Mississippi a disaster area. “We all feel Oklahoma’s loss and are deeply saddened by the tragic loss of life here. We’re going to do everything we can do get these folks back on their feet. I’m also officially declaring Mississippi a disaster area. Federal government resources are stretched at the moment and we can only officially designate one state a disaster area at a time. With all due respect to Oklahoma, the devastation in Mississippi is much, much worse than in Oklahoma. We flew over in Air Force One on the way from Atlanta and were aghast at the decimated infrastructure, junked cars, neglected schools…Their citizens are practically staggering around in a dumbfounded stupor. It looks like it will take decades to get that place up to speed with the rest of the country. That tornado must have really devastated the entire state.” Reporters quickly pointed out that there have not been any natural disasters or tornadoes in Mississippi for years. “Is that so?” asked an obviously surprised Obama, who then quickly concluded his remarks, promising [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<item>
		<title>TEA Party Outraged By IRS Audits, Still Want Brown People To Show Their Papers</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/tea-party-outraged-by-irs-audits-still-want-brown-people-to-show-their-papers/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/tea-party-outraged-by-irs-audits-still-want-brown-people-to-show-their-papers/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 13 May 2013 20:36:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Arizona]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[audit]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[immigration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[ira]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Tea Party]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33001</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[TEA Party groups around the country were shocked when it recently came to light that their vocal opposition to taxes unfairly made them targets of IRS audits. Joe Simpson, President of &#8220;Not One Red Cent!&#8221;, a TEA party group in western Pennsylvania: &#8220;Our charter specifically points out that income taxes are unconstitutional and we aren&#8217;t going to pay them, and the IRS turns around and uses this against us to make sure we&#8217;re paying our taxes. It&#8217;s totally unfair to be targeted in this manner! Obama should be impeached.&#8221; TEA party groups gathered on Monday to protest the audits and ask why the government is spending resources to audit groups espousing anti-tax philosophies at the same time it refuses to allow random documentation checks on brown-skinned citizens or people with names ending in &#8220;-osa&#8221;, &#8220;-nandez&#8221;, or &#8220;-cia&#8221;. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/tea-party-outraged-by-irs-audits-still-want-brown-people-to-show-their-papers/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
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		<title>What Would Jesus Say?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/what-would-jesus-say/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/what-would-jesus-say/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2013 21:54:02 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[android]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[children]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jesus]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[kids]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[parenting]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[tablet]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What would jesus do]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32619</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[My kids were fighting in the back seat the other day. Fighting over an android tablet. So I asked&#8230; What would Jesus do? What would Jesus say? I thought about it for a while and figured something like this: &#8220;Oh my God! Are you fucking serious? You can write stuff on this just by touching letters on the screen with your fingers? Moses would have killed for this! The 10 Commandments would have just taken a few clicks instead of over a month chiseling those suckers out of rock! And these flying birds crashing into pigs&#8230;HILARIOUS! What&#8217;s this wi-fi? I could have just skyped people in Jerusalem instead of riding to town on a donkey? This could have save me a LOT of trouble. And I can tweet with this! What the fuck does &#8220;tweet&#8221; mean? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!&#8221; Something like that, I figure. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/what-would-jesus-say/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Local Teen Boy Comes Out As Heterosexual To Female Classmates</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/local-teen-boy-comes-out-as-heterosexual-to-female-classmates/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/local-teen-boy-comes-out-as-heterosexual-to-female-classmates/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2013 17:11:03 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[coming out]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dance]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[heterosexual]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[high school]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[homosexual]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[nerd]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[teen]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32473</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Local boy Percy Flinghorn courageously came out as heterosexual to the female members of his high school shortly after arriving at last night&#8217;s school dance. He asked the DJ for the microphone, wiped the gallon of sweat from his brow, stuffed any visible evidence of the wedgie he received in the parking lot into his pants, and reached inside his pocket protector to retrieve his prepared remarks. &#8220;Ladies. My date card has been a bit empty as of late&#8230; or always. And I think I may have discovered the reason for this. So I just wanted to make sure that this wasn&#8217;t because of any misconceptions about my sexuality. Let me assure you that I am indeed a heterosexual, in the case any doubts about that were keeping us from any romantic candlelight Dungeons &#38; Dragons or World of Warcraft romps. While I have no problems with homosexuals, I am certainly 100% heterosexual. Well, I suppose only theoretically at this point. But I am ready and willing to have sex with any of you ladies should the need arise. So&#8230;let me know if you want to do any kind of sexual things, or maybe a movie. We can do a [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/local-teen-boy-comes-out-as-heterosexual-to-female-classmates/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
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		<title>Jesus Tired of Our Crap, Cancels Second Coming, Would Not Sacrifice Again</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jesus-tired-of-our-crap-cancels-second-coming-would-not-sacrifice-again/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jesus-tired-of-our-crap-cancels-second-coming-would-not-sacrifice-again/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:58:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Earth]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jesus]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[redeemer]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Savior]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Second Coming]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sick]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sins]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[world]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31837</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Jesus announced yesterday that he&#8217;s had enough. He is tired of earth&#8217;s crap and he&#8217;s canceled his second coming indefinitely. &#8220;Look, I had a bad feeling about this way back when I agreed to be your savior to begin with. I told Dad that if he already had to drown practically a whole planet of you fuckers, how did he expect that this was going to turn out differently? A rainbow is pretty to look at, but it doesn&#8217;t solve deep, underlying issues. Like the fact that you people are awful. To the land. To the air. To the sea. To animals. To each other. Let&#8217;s face it &#8211; you suck. I don&#8217;t know how I thought you were ever worth redeeming. When you set out to be someone&#8217;s savior, you want to feel like they deserve it. But I feel kind of taken advantage of. If I had to do it again, I wouldn&#8217;t. I just don&#8217;t feel like you guys are putting in the proper effort. Do you know how bad it hurts to be nailed to a cross, even as a supreme being? And I made my mother cry. Sure, I showed up and floated over her [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jesus-tired-of-our-crap-cancels-second-coming-would-not-sacrifice-again/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<title>Pat Robertson Blasts Gays For Rampant Extramarital Sex</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pat-robertson-blasts-gays-for-rampant-extramarital-sex/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pat-robertson-blasts-gays-for-rampant-extramarital-sex/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 03 Apr 2013 19:22:18 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[700 club]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[extramarital]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[heterosexual]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[homosexual]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pat robertson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[premarital]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[same-sex]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31439</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[On The 700 Club yesterday, television evangelist Pat Robertson blasted homosexuals, complaining that they engage in rampant premarital and extramarital sexual acts. He pointed to some damning statistics gathered by his research department that clearly showed that more sex was being engaged in between unmarried homosexuals than between unmarried heterosexuals of the same age range. “This is really alarming. We all know how bad premarital sex is, as is any sexual activity outside of a marriage sanctioned by God. And here we have massive amounts of sex going on between homosexuals who are not married. Way more than unmarried heterosexuals, which even includes Hollywood actors and liberals! What’s worse is that many of these homosexual deviants have been doing this for years, even decades. A staggering number of those even live in the same house and share bank accounts. In some of your more twisted states, they are even raising children together! This kind of irresponsible behavior is just one of the reasons why homosexuals should not have their marriages sanctioned by the government. If they are going to have all of this premarital and extramarital sexual activity outside of marriage, I can only imagine what they might do if [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pat-robertson-blasts-gays-for-rampant-extramarital-sex/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Jesus Horrified to Learn that He Received Lord &amp; Savior Job Due To Nepotism</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jesus-horrified-to-learn-that-he-received-lord-savior-job-due-to-nepotism/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jesus-horrified-to-learn-that-he-received-lord-savior-job-due-to-nepotism/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 28 Mar 2013 22:15:55 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cross]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[disciples]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jesus]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Katie Couric]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[last supper]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[lord]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pat robertson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Savior]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31157</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Recently, Jesus sat down for a heartfelt talk with Katie Couric where he spoke candidly on a broad range of topics, including politics, literature, music, and the environment. The most startling exchange, though, occurred when he acknowledged that he had only recently discovered that he became Lord and Savior just because his father is God. “I honestly thought it was an open competition and that I was simply the best for the job. I knew I had put in my time, wandering around healing people, saying wisdom, avoiding temptation and stuff. Sure, there were a few slip ups with Mary Magdalene, but did you see the body on her? And I did kind of break down carrying the cross, but look at me! I weight like 105 pounds! And that big guy carried it… so no harm, no foul, right? And yes, I did try to weasel my way out of the painful crucifixion while in the garden, and I did ask dad why he had forsaken me. But have you had nails driven in your wrists and taken a spear in your side? I didn’t think so. Other than those things, I thought I was pretty solid. I knew [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Westboro Baptist Welcomes New Neighbor, Hopes To Enlist Him in War Against The Sodomites</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/westboro-baptist-welcomes-new-neighbor-hopes-to-enlist-him-in-war-against-the-sodomites/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/westboro-baptist-welcomes-new-neighbor-hopes-to-enlist-him-in-war-against-the-sodomites/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 28 Mar 2013 05:48:08 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Gay Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rainbow house]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sodomites]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Westboro Baptist Church]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31126</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Westboro Baptist Church has welcomed a new neighbor to their street in Topeka, Kansas. A spokesman for the church said that a fruit basket was left on the porch, but they have not yet met the man who recently bought the house. “Oh, we’re ecstatic that he bought that piece of shit. It was a real eyesore. The last guy who lived there was raising chickens in the backyard, never registered or inspected his vehicles, and changed with the blinds open… not to mention he used to have mineral water shipped in by the case, if you know what I mean…so we’re sure anyone else is a step up. Not sure about that color scheme he’s using on his house, but at least it covered up the “Suck it, Fred” graffiti that used to be on it. We are eager to enlist his help in the war against the Sodomites and hope that our fruit basket will help butter him up.” Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/westboro-baptist-welcomes-new-neighbor-hopes-to-enlist-him-in-war-against-the-sodomites/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>6</slash:comments>
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		<title>Pope Francis To Allow Altar Girls, Because Raping Boys Is &#8220;Kinda Gay&#8221;</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-francis-to-allow-altar-girls-because-raping-boys-is-kinda-gay/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-francis-to-allow-altar-girls-because-raping-boys-is-kinda-gay/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:02:04 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[altar boy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[altar girl]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[child abuse]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Pope Francis]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31101</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Newly elected Pope Francis has revealed that the church intends to allow and even promote the use of altar girls throughout the world, because he has been told that there may have been some child abuse perpetrated by Catholic priests over the past few decades and doesn&#8217;t want the church associated with anything that seems &#8220;kinda gay&#8221;. The pope was apparently unaware that female altar servers have been performing whatever it is that they do for many years already. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-francis-to-allow-altar-girls-because-raping-boys-is-kinda-gay/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Gay Marriage Proponents Fret Justice Scalia&#8217;s Freakishly Good Health</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/gay-marriage-proponents-fret-justice-scalias-freakishly-good-health/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/gay-marriage-proponents-fret-justice-scalias-freakishly-good-health/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Mar 2013 20:48:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Gay Marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Scalia]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sotomayor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Supreme Court]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31094</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[As the U.S. Supreme Court begins to hear arguments from the partisans arguing over the constitutionality of a ban on same-sex marriage, gay marriage proponents sadly ponder Judge Antonin Scalia&#8217;s freakishly good health. Scalia has long been the source of many a ridiculous comment or opinion concerning homosexuals or any other thing in the universe, for that matter. &#8220;Look, the guy is seventy freaking seven years old. He doesn&#8217;t exercise, He eats lard by the pound. But he looks fifty! And his blood pressure and pulse rate? Amazing. This asshole his never going to die! His hair is even great,&#8221; said gay activist Sid Wetherington, standing outside the Supreme Court complex. &#8220;The guy&#8217;s a beast. He&#8217;s sticking around for the long haul. I wouldn&#8217;t be surprised if he outlasted Sotomayor. We all might need to move to Canada for the next 50 years,&#8221; added Wetherington&#8217;s partner, Jim Gallegos. The Court will continue hearing arguments tomorrow. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/gay-marriage-proponents-fret-justice-scalias-freakishly-good-health/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>The &#8220;Passion Of The Christ&#8221; Was Really Needlepoint</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-passion-of-the-christ-was-really-needlepoint/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-passion-of-the-christ-was-really-needlepoint/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Mar 2013 20:16:53 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Daily Musings / Joke of The Day]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Passion of the Christ]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31051</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Recent translations of the New Testament have corrected some long held misconceptions of the Passion of the Christ. Christ&#8217;s passion was actually needlepoint. Oh yeah, he liked healing people and saying wise stuff, but there&#8217;s nothing he loved better than weaving in and out with needle and sheep intestine. His favorite piece was entitled, &#8220;Double Rainbow&#8221;. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>All Things Considered, Most Israelis Prefer Hawaii Over Holy Land</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/all-things-considered-most-israelis-prefer-hawaii-over-holy-land/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/all-things-considered-most-israelis-prefer-hawaii-over-holy-land/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 21 Mar 2013 18:29:40 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[gaza]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Hawaii]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hawaiianists]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Holy Land]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Israel]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[west bank]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[zionists]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=30903</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Polls conducted by an Israeli research company overwhelmingly show that almost 90% of current Israeli citizens would have preferred Hawaii over their current homeland if they were able to go back in time and choose again. Just after World War II, when the great extent of the atrocities of the Holocaust were coming to light, plans for a Jewish state gained sufficient support to make it virtually a foregone conclusion. Land choices targeted for this new state were either the holy regions of Palestine or the territory of Hawaii, offered by the United States. Thus began a great struggle in the international Jewish community between the Zionists and the Hawaiianists. In the end, the Zionists prevailed in carving the new state of Israel from Palestine. Many Israeli citizens are unaware of this portion of their history. It is a subject which is not covered in depth in either Israeli or United States education systems. Most citizens, upon learning the details of the 1940s land choice that governed their nation&#8217;s formation, expressed dismay and stated that they would have certainly picked Hawaii if given the choice again. &#8220;What the hell? Are you serious? Have you seen Hawaii? It&#8217;s awesome! And take [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/all-things-considered-most-israelis-prefer-hawaii-over-holy-land/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
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		<title>Family Research Council Finally Concludes Research, Determines “We Are Jackasses”</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/family-research-council-finally-concludes-research-determines-we-are-jackasses/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/family-research-council-finally-concludes-research-determines-we-are-jackasses/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 28 Feb 2013 21:31:33 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Family Reseach Council]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hate group]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Southern Poverty Law Center]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Tony Perkins]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[walmart]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=30000</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Yesterday Family Research Council President Tony Perkins announced that the research council had at last concluded its long scientific endeavor which began in 1983, and the result is that the group has determined that it is itself comprised of gigantic douchebags. In the introduction to the report, Perkins explains: “The results are in, and boy, I have to say we really didn’t expect this at all. But it all looks complete and we’ve determined that we are complete and utter douchebags! Yes, I know it’s hard to imagine, but it’s right there in the final report. We’re dicks! Absolute assholes! “We’ve long asserted that we promote traditional family values, which of course mean the things that we like. We’ve long been against stuff like stem-cell research, cursing, gambling, civil rights, science, pornography, and late night snacks. You know, all of the stuff that’s fun in life. We thought we were doing the right thing. But there it is right in black and white. We suck! In 2010, we stated that gay behavior should be outlawed in America and that we should enforce “criminal sanctions against homosexual behavior”. We also said that repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the military would [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/family-research-council-finally-concludes-research-determines-we-are-jackasses/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Pistorius Overcomes Disability, Kills Girlfriend Just As Well As Able-Bodied Killer Would</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pistorius-overcomes-disability-murders-girlfriend-just-as-well-as-able-bodied-killer/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pistorius-overcomes-disability-murders-girlfriend-just-as-well-as-able-bodied-killer/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 15 Feb 2013 21:23:58 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Everyday Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sports]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[2012]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blade runner]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[field]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[gold]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[kill]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[London]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[medal]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[media]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[murder]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[olympics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[oscar pistorius]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[shoot]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[south africa]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[track]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=29410</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[South African double amputee track athlete Oscar Pistorius, while falling short of his recent attempt to best able-bodied world class 400m sprinters in the 2012 London Olympic Games, finally achieved his goals and overcame his disability to violently kill his girlfriend in a hail of gunfire. It was a shrewd move for Pistorius, known for thinking on his feet, to use a firearm. Using a sharp instrument would have possibly been too obvious and easily attracted blame to the &#8220;Blade Runner&#8221;. Family friends and fans say that they &#8220;knew he could do anything just as well as any other guy who has legs&#8221; and while it is terribly tragic that girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp is dead, &#8220;we can&#8217;t help but be proud that his disabilities did not hold him back,&#8221; and that he has shown the world that those who have lost their limbs can still achieve their dreams. Aspiring young sprinter and also amputee Gordon Winstead has followed Pistorius&#8217;s career for years. &#8220;It&#8217;s amazing what he&#8217;s done. It just makes me want to work harder. Of course, I mean at the track. I&#8217;m not going to kill anyone. But still, it shows &#8216;where there&#8217;s a will, there&#8217;s a way&#8217;,&#8221; said [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pistorius-overcomes-disability-murders-girlfriend-just-as-well-as-able-bodied-killer/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
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		<title>Pope Resigns: Cites Health Concerns, Inability to Catch Speedy Altar Boys</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-resigns-cites-health-concerns-inability-to-catch-speedy-altar-boys/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-resigns-cites-health-concerns-inability-to-catch-speedy-altar-boys/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 11 Feb 2013 17:25:29 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[age]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[altar boys]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[health]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[new pope]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Pope]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Ratzinger]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[resign]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[resignation]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[scandal]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=29160</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The spiritual leader and head of the worldwide Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, surprised the world today by saying that he will resign at the end of the month due to advanced age, heath concerns, and inability to catch speedy altar boys. It’s the first time a pope has resigned in nearly 600 years. “Sure, I’m old and my health is poor. But I was old and unhealthy when I got here. But these kids today…they aren’t all video game playing couch potato fatties. Some of them are pretty fit and downright quick. I used to be able to corner them near the holy water, but now they almost always get away. Just a tiny jab step or head fake and I’m lost. The shame is hard to take. I must now step aside and let someone younger take over who can more properly carry out the Catholic Church’s noble mission.” After his resignation, Benedict, 85, will most likely retire to a monastery and devote himself to a life of reflection and prayer, plus possibly catching up on the last several seasons of “The Bachelor”. He will not play a part in choosing a new pope or in assisting the [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/pope-resigns-cites-health-concerns-inability-to-catch-speedy-altar-boys/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Police Uncover Threat On Beiber&#8217;s Life, Put it With All of the Others</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/police-uncover-threat-on-beibers-life-put-it-with-all-of-the-others/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/police-uncover-threat-on-beibers-life-put-it-with-all-of-the-others/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 Feb 2013 20:32:45 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[children]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[jury]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Justin Bieber]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[parents]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[police]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[threats]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=28959</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Police recently uncovered a plan by professional hit men to kill Justin Bieber at an upcoming awards show. They were not very alarmed, as reports of threats on Bieber&#8217;s life routinely come in at a rate of about 300 per month. Most of the reports are filed by 8 year old girls. Excerpts from some of the reports which were leaked: &#8220;Mommy said if she has to listen to Justin Bieber one more time she&#8217;s going to find him and kill him! And then destroy every copy of his music on the whole internet!&#8221; &#8220;Grandpa saw a Justin video and said that boy is not right! Said something about sacrificing his life to save mankind from destruction.&#8221; &#8220;My brother said that Justin&#8217;s music is physically hurting him and if he doesn&#8217;t stop, he will find him and kill him!&#8221; &#8220;Daddy&#8217;s gonna kill Justin! He said, &#8216;Would you just try some Led Zeppelin? How about the Beatles at least? What are you listening to? Wha? WHO IS THIS? THE MAKER OF THESE HORRIBLE SOUNDS MUST DIE!&#8217; &#8221; Due to the large number of threats received, it&#8217;s difficult to act on every one of them. Though police are concerned that if any [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Palin: Fox Pulled Plug on My Piece on Ninja Takeover of Iran</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/palin-fox-pulled-plug-on-my-piece-on-ninja-takeover-of-iran/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/palin-fox-pulled-plug-on-my-piece-on-ninja-takeover-of-iran/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 28 Jan 2013 21:15:04 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=28599</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Two days after Fox News and Sarah Palin announced that they are parting ways, word has leaked that the true reason for the split was Palin&#8217;s outrage over Fox News&#8217; refusal to air her piece on &#8220;a takeover of Iran by ninjas that is occurring on Obama&#8217;s watch.&#8221; Sources familiar with the piece explained that the former Alaska governor had uncovered video showing that ninjas had infiltrated Iran and can now be seen virtually everywhere in Iranian society. Palin&#8217;s piece included inflammatory rhetoric blaming President Obama for lack of oversight in the Middle East. She explained that the ninjas must have come into Iran a long time ago for there to be so many there now. Palin&#8217;s representative said that she was furious that even Fox News is cooperating in Obama Administration coverups, and that it just goes to show how much &#8220;tyranny and totalitism&#8221; the President and his minions can exhibit when left unchecked. Spokesmen for the White House say that they are not in control of what goes on in Iran, but that they are certain that there is no significant ninja presence in that country. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Is the Anti-Christ Hiding in Plain Sight?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/is-the-anti-christ-hiding-in-plain-sight/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/is-the-anti-christ-hiding-in-plain-sight/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 22 Jan 2013 23:41:53 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[anti christ]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Barack Obama]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Justin Bieber]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Katy Perry]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lady Gaga]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rihanna]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[twitter]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=28281</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I&#8217;ve learned a bit of stuff about the Anti-Christ recently, and the way I understand it, this Anti-Christ will be a really popular figure before he ends up going all Anti-Christ-y on us. So, someone really popular is going to be the Anti-Christ. Which is how you know he&#8217;s the Anti-Christ. Unless it&#8217;s just a really popular figure who isn&#8217;t the Anti-Christ. So we better get this right. Many people have guessed as to the identity of the Anti-Christ, but none of them seem to be using sound scientific methods. That&#8217;s where I come in. I figure that, in the end, Twitter is going to do him in. We&#8217;ll be able to easily monitor the Anti-Christ by keeping track of who is popular on Twitter. With that in mind, the top candidates for being the Anti-Christ are, in reverse order: 5. Barack Obama &#8211; Naw, but he is following 666K people. Hmmm. 4. Rihanna &#8211; If so, Chris Brown would&#8217;ve died in a tragic &#8220;accident&#8221; already 3. Katy Perry &#8211; Too obvious 2. Lady Gaga &#8211; Way too obvious 1. Justin Bieber &#8211; Perfect cover. It&#8217;s always the one you don&#8217;t expect. Don&#8217;t say I didn&#8217;t warn you. Eric HetvileWanted [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Republicans Outraged Over Leaked Photos of New Presidential Motorcade</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/republicans-outraged-over-leaked-photos-of-new-presidential-motorcade/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/republicans-outraged-over-leaked-photos-of-new-presidential-motorcade/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 21 Jan 2013 00:27:03 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Breitbart]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[inauguration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Martin Luther King Jr.]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[President Obama]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[rush limbaugh]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sarah Palin]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Snoop Dogg]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=28135</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Breitbart.com has leaked photos of what it describes as the yet unannounced new Presidential vehicle which will replace the Cadillac ‘Beast’ that currently transports the President and his family. The site claims that the switch will occur on this coming inauguration day on Monday. Republicans reacted angrily at the photos, which appear to show something that may be a cherry red 1964 Chevy Impala with hydraulics. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor complained that “in a struggling economy with mounting deficits, this is no time to spend lavishly on yourself.” Speaker of the House John Boehner echoed his sentiments about living frugally “when the nation is hurting.” But still others focused more on the substance and image, if not the perceived price tag. Former Alaska governor and current worthless person Sarah Palin said that “it sends the wrong image” and “thugs up the Presidency.” Radio host Rush Limbaugh went even further, “This is what we knew he’d do all along. He’s been sitting around, acting all professorial…but all along he’s been waiting to usher in this thug life that he’s secretly been living ever since Kenya. Spending all of the taxpayer’s money to live his urban lifestyle, if you know what [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Busy, Cheney, and Rumsfeld Disgusted At Obama’s Use of National Tragedy to Push a Pre-Existing Political Agenda</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/busy-cheney-and-rumsfeld-disgusted-at-obamas-use-of-national-tragedy-to-push-a-pre-existing-political-agenda/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/busy-cheney-and-rumsfeld-disgusted-at-obamas-use-of-national-tragedy-to-push-a-pre-existing-political-agenda/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 19 Jan 2013 20:34:24 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[9-11]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[911]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Barack Obama]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dick Cheney]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Donald Rumsfeld]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[George W Bush]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[gun violence]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[invasion]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Iraq]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[political agenda]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[pre-planned]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=28079</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Former President George W. Bush, former Vice President Dick Cheney, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld held a press conference to proclaim their absolute disgust at the way that President Obama has used a national tragedy as reason to embark on a pre-planned political strategy to reduce violent gun deaths of children. &#8220;It&#8217;s absolutely despicable,&#8221; said Cheney, &#8220;the way he has used a tragedy like this to push his tyrannical agenda. The World has seen that this is his trade. He is not working from the center.&#8221; &#8220;He&#8217;s always wanted to limit child deaths by at least 9-11% and I think he&#8217;s grasping on this most recent national sorrow to further those goals,&#8221; added Rumsfeld. &#8220;Who would do such a thing?&#8221; asked former President Bush. &#8220;There&#8217;s an old saying and I don&#8217;t know who said it&#8230; I think someone in Texas or maybe New York&#8230; that says, fool me once, shame on&#8230; shame on you. Fool me&#8230; you can&#8217;t get fooled again.&#8221; There has been no official comment from the Obama Administration on these recent remarks. Eric HetvileWanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.More Posts - Website - Twitter]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/busy-cheney-and-rumsfeld-disgusted-at-obamas-use-of-national-tragedy-to-push-a-pre-existing-political-agenda/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<title>Sarah Palin: American Schools Have Been Infiltrated by Al Gebra</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/27773/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/27773/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 11 Jan 2013 23:53:27 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Everyday Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[al gebra]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[algebra]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[arne duncan]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[education]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[liberal]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[math]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[muslim]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sarah Palin]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[school]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[teacher]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[union]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=27773</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Former Alaska governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin wrote an editorial in the Wasilla Times to “alert the country” to “the disturbing fact” that “Al Gebra” has infiltrated American schools. An exerpt: “You may not have heard of it, but Al Gebra, as many of us know, and you can google this on yahoo, has its roots in the Muslim world. And if you look at the history with the teacher’s unions and their scientists, it has infiltrated American schools all over the country, and it’s been growing increasingly influential in school and school-type activities more and more as the years go on and we need to counter it with our American ideals and values and at the end of the day it’s got to be about job creation. I personally know myself about school and learning. I went to school at 5 different colleges so these are the kinds of things that I have had exposure to and about and henceforth we as Americans have to make a stand against this creeping Sharia-type influence. It’s got to be about good old American learning and not some imported Middle East Muslim kinds of ideas. Of course we all know [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>6</slash:comments>
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		<title>Local Boy Notices Lack of Christmas Visits For Non-Christians and Poor, Determines Santa Is Republican</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/local-boy-notices-lack-of-christmas-visits-for-non-christians-and-poor-determines-santa-is-republican/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/local-boy-notices-lack-of-christmas-visits-for-non-christians-and-poor-determines-santa-is-republican/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 02 Jan 2013 23:07:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Christian]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Hindu]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[muslim]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Poor]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[republican]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Santa]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=27353</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[After consulting with several other boys his age, local boy Christopher Jones has determined that although Santa brought him a nice haul of presents this Christmas, the big fat jolly man seems to be kind of a dickhead. His Muslim friend Abdul did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts. His Hindu friend Adeep did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts. His Jewish friend Max did not receive a visit from Santa and therefore did not receive any gifts. Though he did get to light a multi-sticked candle and eat stale bread. His less well-off friend Billy is not sure if he received a visit from Santa. Unless, he said, Santa usually &#8220;comes in and wraps socks you already own and puts them under the tree.&#8221; Plus, he noticed his parents buying gifts at the mall to give to underprivileged kids as well. When he told his mother that Santa was kind of rude for not visiting non-Christians or poor kids, she said that he only comes to kids who believe in him. And he won&#8217;t come first. You have to believe first. Then he comes. &#8220;So [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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		<title>Truth May Have Been Stretched A Bit In Wison Family Christmas Letter</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/truth-may-have-been-stretched-a-bit-in-wison-family-christmas-letter/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/truth-may-have-been-stretched-a-bit-in-wison-family-christmas-letter/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 23 Dec 2012 01:21:36 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Everyday Life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=26994</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[After extensive investigative reporting by yours truly, Katherine Wilson admits that the truth may have been stretched a bit in this year&#8217;s Wilson Family Christmas letter. Katherine wrote that daughter Irene &#8220;has definitely been using the entire palette of cosmetics.&#8221; This would only be true if &#8220;everything in black&#8221; could be considered an entire palette. And her &#8220;infectious spirit spreading through the high school&#8221; is really chlamydia. Also, her &#8220;very mature&#8221; boyfriend is 32. Son Samuel has been &#8220;hitting the books hard&#8221;, though they are not school books. And they really are more like magazines. But he has indeed been hitting them hard. He is not captain of the school football team. It&#8217;s in fact just his Madden 2005 XBOX team. That he plays by himself. Husband Bob has been &#8220;burning the midnight oil seven nights a week at his office in order to be a great provider&#8221;, but apparently so is his secretary, to whom he is providing it. And he works at the DMV, not NASA. Easy mistake, says Katherine. And finally, Katherine herself does not take &#8220;a monthly trip to the wine country with dear friends.&#8221; She curls up in the bathroom with a bottle of pills [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/truth-may-have-been-stretched-a-bit-in-wison-family-christmas-letter/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
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		<title>Great American Thinkers Propose Guns For Teachers, Western Swinging Doors For Schools</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/great-american-thinkers-propose-guns-for-teachers-western-swinging-doors-for-schools/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/great-american-thinkers-propose-guns-for-teachers-western-swinging-doors-for-schools/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 23 Dec 2012 01:19:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Lifestyle]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=26990</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Great American statesmen world-renowned for their brilliance, Texas Governor Rick Perry and Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, proposed arming school officials and teachers in order to prepare for the next potential school shooting. The very people who have been systematically derided and defunded and cannot be trusted not to teach the devil&#8217;s science, evolution, are now to be called upon to take down armed intruders on the fly. In addition, schools will be equipped with swinging western doors so that newly-armed Mrs. McGillicuddy can pop in or out of a room in an instant and blow away an armed psychopath or whoever else might be on the other side before he or she injures any children. And in order to guarantee a quick response, guns will be located on the wall in every classroom for easy access. They will, however, be encased in glass with a sign that says &#8220;Teachers Only&#8221;. That way it will be impossible for the guns to cause any accidental harm to innocent children who might be curious. But since teachers might not always be available, there will also be a provision which will allow students over 5 years old whose parents own a gun or who [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
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		<item>
		<title>Ancient Documents: Mary Indeed a Virgin, But No Stranger to Oral and Anal Either</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/ancient-documents-mary-indeed-a-virgin-but-no-stranger-to-oral-and-anal-either/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2012/ancient-documents-mary-indeed-a-virgin-but-no-stranger-to-oral-and-anal-either/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 22 Dec 2012 09:06:26 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Eric Hetvile</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religion or Lack Of]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=27046</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Recent translations of ancient scrolls found in the earlier part of last century and long stored in the Vatican basement have been leaked to the press and have been able to shed more light upon Jesus&#8217; mother Mary. Long revered as the chaste virgin who gave birth to the son of God, the documents, if genuine, do indeed seem to support Mary&#8217;s virginity. However, it appears that she was involved in a small bit of anal intercourse and a quite a bit of oral sex during an experimental phase during college in which she lived in an all-female dorm. Asked whether this harms the legacy of the Virgin Mary, a Vatican official who asked to remain anonymous stated, &#8220;No, not at all. Anal was an acceptable way to remain chaste in that time period and it remains so today. Almost every kid today with a purity ring gets deeply involved in that lifestyle in order to stay pure. And oral sex with a bunch of college chicks? Totally hot. Besides, oral wasn&#8217;t even considered real sex according to many people between the period of 6000BC all the way up until 1998.&#8221; &#8220;It was a different time back then. You did [...]]]></description>
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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
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