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	<title>HumorOutcasts &#187; Thomas Sullivan</title>
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	<link>http://humoroutcasts.com</link>
	<description>The Place to Take a Humor Break</description>
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		<title>Innovations In Marketing</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/innovations-in-marketing/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/innovations-in-marketing/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 19 May 2013 15:59:27 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33221</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I’m a big fan of using unconventional methods to market a cherished creation. The way I see it, the more guerilla-underground your approach, the better it is. For my first book I considered tattooing my book cover on my back and streaking naked onto the stage at the last papal inauguration. But I hate both needles and incarceration, so I went with printing up business cards instead. The other day I came across a true marketing maestro. A guy who creates videos of at-home workouts came up with a simple but ingenious idea. He filmed a workout with a model doing squats in a living room, using some strange metal device for balance. But while the workout was being filmed the guy did an on-camera squat himself – in the adjacent bathroom, with the door open. Pure genius. The whole thing could be staged, but who cares. His video has garnered 165,000 views on You Tube. Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley never came close to pulling down numbers like that. I watched the video. It didn’t really help much on the fitness front. But it’s definitely improved my technique in the bathroom. Thomas SullivanThomas Sullivan is the author of So [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/innovations-in-marketing/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Next Class Action Lawsuit</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-class-action-lawsuit/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-class-action-lawsuit/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 17 May 2013 16:48:37 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guns]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33143</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Whenever I read a news story about some guy who jams a pistol into his waistband above his crotch and it goes off, my reaction is always the same. I do a full-body cringe and then shout “ooh!”, for obvious reasons. Then I take a moment to ponder the strange and mysterious ways that evolution plays out. Yes, these types of accidents are rare. But don’t try telling that to some guy who’s just severed his own junk. I thought of this as I read about a new product being peddled at the recent NRA convention: a bra holster for a gun. As you can see from the enclosed picture, it’s designed with the barrel pointing toward the left breast. When I first read the headline I assumed the bra holster would be a top-loader, so that the barrel would point down once the gun is holstered. It would seem you’d want the gun to misfire down at the ground and away from the cherished breast. But what do I know about fashion? This new product leads to some obvious conclusions: 1) From now on I’m sitting to the right of any woman in a public place. 2) First-generation products [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-class-action-lawsuit/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>7</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Time To Belt Out Leaving On A Jet Plaaaaane!</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/time-to-belt-out-leaving-on-a-jet-plaaaaane/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/time-to-belt-out-leaving-on-a-jet-plaaaaane/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 15 May 2013 15:57:16 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33079</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I&#8217;ll be the first to admit that I&#8217;m not immune from the temptation to sing in public. It often happens when I&#8217;m at Fred Meyers. The anti-shoplifting alarm will be booming while a chipper voice overhead is trying to get me to check out the bargains in the Produce section. I&#8217;ll be walking through a sea of clothes, glumly wondering how many people died in a Bangladeshi factory-fire to produce them, when Lionel Richie comes onto the store stereo. In an instant I&#8217;m letting it rip and I start feeling easy, like Sunday morning. The Daily Mail recently reported about an incident on an American Airlines flight from LA to New York. Shortly after the plane left the ground, a woman started singing Whitney Houston&#8217;s song &#8220;I Will Always Love You.&#8221; And she didn&#8217;t stop. Three hours later the pilot diverted the plane and made an emergency landing in Kansas City. Officers boarded and escorted the woman off the plane. Where&#8217;s the Kevin Costner impersonator when you need him? After three hours of singing I&#8217;m sure the woman was exhausted and could barely walk. But one thing is certain &#8212; I&#8217;ll never view a crying infant on a plane the [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/time-to-belt-out-leaving-on-a-jet-plaaaaane/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>5</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Next Golf Outing</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-golf-outing/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-golf-outing/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 14 May 2013 16:14:52 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[golf]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[politics]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=33016</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I give President Obama credit for trying to remain cooperative and cordial with the opposition after all he’s been through. He’s dealt with Birthers trying to prove that he wasn’t born in the US (read: You’re not legitimate, you’re not one of “us”). The top Senate Republican once declared that his main goal was to make Obama a one-term president. He’s endured racial slurs, tweets about his wife’s butt, and cardboard caricatures of himself as a hunting target. One fool even shouted that Obama was lying during a State Of The Union address (though that outburst could’ve been directed at another voice inside his head, no one knows for certain). Politics and competition is one thing, but no other president has ever had to endure personal attacks like this. But Obama is still trying. The other day he went golfing with a small group of senators. It was a bipartisan foursome (that sounds kinda like a porno) on the Andrews Air Force Base golf course. It’s encouraging to see, but the men Obama was golfing with were largely moderate. One guy was set to retire next year (read: No re-election worries about “giving aid and comfort to the enemy”). Here’s [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-next-golf-outing/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Boating Season</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boating-season/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boating-season/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 10 May 2013 16:26:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32881</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Politics has become the art of doing anything to win, and at its highest level there is no shame. Lots of guys who are incapable of doing anything constructive with their lives make tons of money creating garbage like that Swiftboat Veterans For Truth ad. Their purpose in life is similar those little sea creatures that attach themselves to a big fish and nibble away at dead skin. Well, I’ve come up with a way to join them in riding the gravy train. Every day we see horrific tragedies with great campaign potential. But they go largely unused for political gain. Well, show me da money, cuz it’s time to change that. The plan is simple. You set up a business called Soul For Sale, Inc. that hires law enforcement agents in each major city. Police agencies often allow officers to moonlight in jobs outside their main one, and these guys are insiders with contacts and early access to info. And given the choice between guarding a sporting event full of drunk a-holes or chilling at home with a police scanner, they’re gonna pick the latter. So you pay these guys to simply wait for that perfect, big-time tragedy. And [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boating-season/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Dear Tommy</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/dear-tommy/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/dear-tommy/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 08 May 2013 16:02:07 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32815</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The great thing about the internet is that it’s filled with people offering unsolicited advice, most of it bad. People like me offer nuggets of “wisdom” in the hopes that you’ll be impressed by what you read and then visit their website and buy something. This is how people end up not vaccinating a child who later gets the mumps and proceeds to infect the entire school. I say this because I’ve got a bit of advice, but I&#8217;m nervous about offering it up. I want readers to know that it doesn’t follow the aforementioned Internet Advice Rule. It’s actually good stuff. Okay, here it is: if your spouse or partner is getting a DUI, just keep quiet. An officer in Atlanta recently pulled over a famous actress whose husband was weaving back and forth across the center lane. That’s not hard to do when your blood alcohol content is .139 (driving advice: always stay to the right of whatever set of lines you see, or just take a cab.). According to reports, the actress confronted the cop and said that she didn’t think he was a real police officer. Not good. This is how you get a citation for [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/dear-tommy/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>And You Thought Humpty Dumpty Had It Rough</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/and-you-thought-humpty-dumpty-had-it-rough/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/and-you-thought-humpty-dumpty-had-it-rough/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 06 May 2013 14:53:36 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guns]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32697</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The NRA opened its big meeting last week in Houston. Not surprisingly, Texas governor Rick Perry attempted to steal the show with a video he delivered prior to his speech. In the clip Perry wielded a military-style rifle at a practice range and used it to blow up an egg. From 100 freakin’ yards!! The film ended in slow motion, with Perry removing the clip and giving a hero-style gaze. Shooting an egg is the perfect analogy for right-wing thinking on guns – it’s totally scrambled. But if a group of terrorists decide to egg the White House, we’ll know just who to call. You just know the other luminaries at the event aren’t gonna let this stand. They’ll try to one-up and out-macho Perry with videos of their own. Among the videos intended to display even greater gun skills, you can expect to see clips of: * Sarah Palin shooting an M&#38;M off the tip of Herman Cain’s erect penis. * Senator Ted Cruz cleanly separating a tiny booger from one of Bill O’Reilly’s nose hairs. And the winner: * Ted Nugent picking off a microscopic flake of dandruff as it dances in the breeze, attached to one of [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/and-you-thought-humpty-dumpty-had-it-rough/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Boomeranger</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boomeranger/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boomeranger/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 05 May 2013 15:46:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32660</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Anger can be funny, but only when it boomerangs back on its issuer. Like when you’re trying to get the lid off of a jar of spaghetti sauce. You tap the lid with a knife, inflicting little dents on the cap, and then try twisting it off. It doesn’t give, so you try again. It still doesn’t yield and you start to get frustrated. So you swing down super-hard and end up tagging your knuckle. Not that this has ever happened to me. Theoretically speaking, this is how an adult male learns to go out and buy proper kitchen utensils (like one of those rubber twisty things). Frustration on the road can be similarly funny and enlightening. My dad once had an acquaintance who lived a few streets over from our house. I don’t remember his name, so I’ll call him Mr Jones. Mr Jones was probably in his late fifties when this incident occurred. He had been in the Marines before transitioning into some office profession. He’d traded in his military uniform for a suit and tie and complemented his new outfit with a bit too much aftershave. One day Mr Jones was driving home from work. He stopped [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boomeranger/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
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		<item>
		<title>A New Role For The Penny</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/a-new-role-for-the-penny/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/a-new-role-for-the-penny/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2013 15:38:23 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32616</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Like most people, I’ve got a dish filled with useless pennies. They serve little purpose in my life. And for the government, they’re a money-losing proposition. I thought of this the other day as I read a New York Times article about how the CIA surreptitiously delivers millions of dollars to the office of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Apparently, wads of off-the-books cash appear monthly in his office in suitcases and backpacks. Not surprisingly, the bribes have failed to obtain the influence the CIA seeks. Mostly, it fuels corruption and empowers warlords. According to the article, Karzai’s willingness to defy American interests has actually grown as the cash has piled up. Need proof of this? Consider the fact that Karzai still refuses to trade in that furry, cone-shaped hat he wears for a Yankees baseball cap. Well there’s a way to get rid of our useless pennies and get Karzai on board. We start paying him in pennies (we’ll call the program “Pennies For Puppets”) and tell him that we’re only reverting back to cash once he starts behaving. This penny diplomacy would yield immediate results for a number of reasons: * Once enough family members throw out their backs [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/a-new-role-for-the-penny/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Fixing Things</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/fixing-things/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/fixing-things/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2013 14:30:37 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Congress]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[food]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[seniors]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32525</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Congress recently fixed the threat of flight delays caused by sequester cuts. It allowed the FAA to shift money around, thereby avoiding furloughs for air traffic controllers. It acted quickly, getting the legislation done and signed in a few short days. And it’s pretty obvious why – senators and representatives didn’t want to wait in long lines or face delayed flights. This is good, because we now know what will push Congress to fix the sequester mess. If something affects them personally, it gets addressed. Among the many cuts still in place are those that help fund Meals On Wheels, the nutrition program for seniors. So what can we do to make senators and reps feel the impact of the cuts to senior nutrition? That’s easy. We make them feel hungry, just like those seniors now getting put on a waiting list for food. And we do this with a nationwide boycott on feeding congressmen. Here’s how it’d work: A senator goes to the grocery store. He gets into line and the checker tallies up his items. But when he swipes his card, the checker says, “Sorry sir, something appears to be wrong with your card.” So he digs out [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/fixing-things/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>5</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Old Country Wisdom</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/old-country-wisdom/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/old-country-wisdom/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2013 15:10:41 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[music]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32441</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Whenever I come across an obituary of a country music singer, I read it. If you have artistic leanings you can learn a lot from the lives of country musicians. But only from the Old School guys – there’s little to learn from the new guys who do ads for motor oil companies or have a line of perfume at Fred Meyer’s that smells like horse piss. Veterans like Johnny Cash never sold us a line because they were too busy walking one. They had something to teach us. Reading about a recently-departed Old School legend, I gained the following invaluable nuggets of insight: * If you’re driving and have a half-empty bottle of vodka on the passenger seat, don’t try to change the cassette in the stereo. Stereos are dangerous and will get you every time. (Insight: always maintain total focus on the primary task at hand) * Don’t try to open theme parks. (Stick to what you’re good at). * Don’t keep a manager who also sells cocaine. (Again, your manager should stick to what he/she’s good at and leave drug sales to the professionals). * Marriage is like baseball. After the third-strike, just go back to the [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/old-country-wisdom/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>6</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Truth About Vegetables</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-truth-about-vegetables/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-truth-about-vegetables/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 28 Apr 2013 16:24:03 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[food]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sleep]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32435</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Last week my wife was out of town, which left me to do the cooking. In our two-person household we both cook, I just do it badly (have you ever burnt spaghetti? That takes a special talent). But the sun also came out, which allowed me to bring out the barbecue grill. And I’m a decent griller. The ensuing week was a hard-hitting, carnivorous one in which I released more carbon emissions than BP after an oil rig explosion. I was All Man. I cooked chicken. I grilled steak. I roasted sausages. I baked potatoes. What I did not cook or eat were vegetables. Not a single one. There’s nothing fun or sexy about vegetables. You know why you never see a Bud Light commercial with guys at a cookout ogling peppers or cauliflower? Because vegetables are boring. When my wife got back, we stepped out to eat. I had a big cobb salad to change things up. I felt like my body needed it, however boring. That night I could not fall asleep. At 1:00 AM I got out of bed and read for a while, which usually works. But when I returned to bed I couldn’t drop off. [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-truth-about-vegetables/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>1</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The All-Important American Identity Kit</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-all-important-american-identity-kit/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-all-important-american-identity-kit/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:51:35 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[america]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[media]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32306</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It was a rough week for people who remotely resembled the Boston bombers. Amateur sleuths on the social media site Reddit wrongly identified a Brown University student who was an American citizen from Pennsylvania. A flurry of tweets got his name trending on Twitter and Facebook sharing blew his identity into the mainstream. Meanwhile, The New York Post built upon the journalistic excellence its owner established at The News Of The World by posting a picture of an innocent kid on its front page. He was a Moroccan-American high school student who worked at Subway. You can just picture the third-rate hacks dreaming of that Pulitzer as they prepped their follow-up story: Subway Bomber Exposed!! The sad truth is that everyone runs the risk of being wrongly identified after an attack. In the heat of the moment, truth is irrelevant. You’re largely on your own given the quality of our media and the fanaticism of social media users who’ve watched one too many episodes of Homeland. To protect yourself, you need an American Identity Kit. It needs to be stored in the house, ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. The kit: * Two large American flags. * One [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-all-important-american-identity-kit/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>10</slash:comments>
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		<item>
		<title>First Sighting</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/first-sighting/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/first-sighting/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:05:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[news]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=32028</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I’m sitting at the bar in a Philadelphia Airport lounge. It’s the day after Christmas and I’m waiting for a flight back home. The TV hanging from the wall is showing a kickboxing match. The irony of being in the City Of Brotherly Love and watching two men in diapers punch and kick each other is not lost on me. The only other people in the lounge are a quasi-drunk couple trying to handle an unruly small child. Christmas In Connecticut this is not. The bartender grabs a remote, points it at the TV, and changes the channel. A man and woman appear onscreen, sitting behind a large desk. The background is a bright tapestry of neon reds and blues. The woman looks like she just took third place in a Miss Arkansas contest. Her eyebrows race up while she claims to be “Shocked! Simply shocked!” about something someone has said regarding the war effort. The shiny-looking guy at her side, whose hair looks like it was created using claymation, nods solemnly. I laugh out loud. The bartender spins and stares at me. “What’s so funny?” she barks. I look back, my brow furrowed in confusion. Then I point to [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/first-sighting/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>5</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Solving The Coffee Problem</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/solving-the-coffee-problem/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/solving-the-coffee-problem/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 20 Apr 2013 16:30:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[coffee]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[flooding]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31958</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I used to own a little, single-button Mr Coffee machine. But it didn’t have an auto-turnoff feature, so every time I went somewhere, I had to go back home and make sure it was turned off. Most of the time it wasn’t. I didn’t want to burn down the house, so I donated my Mr Coffee to Goodwill so someone else could burn down their house. I replaced it with a high-end machine. This one has an auto-brew feature where you add beans and water and hit the “Start” button. The machine grinds the coffee for you, shoots it through a tube into a basket, and then drips water. The brewed coffee ends up inside a windowless steel pot. So here are my new problems: 1)      I always forget to clean the coffee delivery tube. It plugs up, preventing fresh coffee from reaching the drip basket. So at least once a week I get warm, yellowish water instead of coffee. 2)      I often add water but hit the “Grind Off” button by mistake before hitting the “Start” button. So, when I pour my first cup of coffee I get yellow water that has not encountered any freshly ground coffee. This [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/solving-the-coffee-problem/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>7</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Freedumb</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/freedumb/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/freedumb/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:56:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guns]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31872</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Yes, people complain. But it’s a good thing we have websites that host classified ads for random people buying and selling guns. These online bazaars meet the needs of a badly under-served population. Where else is a guy with two felony burglary convictions and a misdemeanor for domestic violence supposed to turn when he needs a gun? Or the guy with two outstanding felony warrants who’s on the run from the Rhode Island police. Where else is he gonna find that AK47? These guys are just two customers featured in a recent New York Times expose about websites where anonymous, unlicensed people buy and sell weapons. But before you jump to conclusions, be aware that these sites aren’t some unregulated, Wild West type of free-for-all. Not in the slightest. When you show up in a McDonald’s parking lot with $500 in cash, the guy selling you his gun will probably ask if you have any restrictions on your ability to buy a gun. And when you say “No”, he’ll reply, “Okay, sounds good to me.” This is self-regulation in action. And it totally works, just like it does on Wall Street. I&#8217;m no whiny-ass Liberal and I know what I’m [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/freedumb/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>9</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Just Say Yes</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/just-say-yes/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/just-say-yes/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 16 Apr 2013 16:22:14 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[drugs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sports]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31787</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The New York Times recently reported on a Major League Baseball player who is suspected of purchasing documents about himself from an anti-aging clinic in Miami. Apparently, the guy is trying to hide evidence of doping from officials investigating his purported drug use. It’s funny how this story involves an anti-aging clinic, because the whole issue of illegal drug use in professional sports is getting really old. So much time and effort is spent on this problem, which never goes away. But I’ve got a better way to deal with it. Since many players have shown an affinity for drug use, we should honor that quality and put it to a beneficial use. Here’s how: Whenever a pro sports league has evidence that a player is doping, it should offer him a choice: either forfeit the multi-million dollar contracts and endorsement deals or agree to become a test subject for new, yet-to-be-approved drugs. For instance, say a pharmaceutical company has a new drug for male pattern baldness. Before, the company had to undergo lengthy, expensive test trials. But now the company could just do their tests on druggie athletes who don’t want to lose their millions. In the long run [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/just-say-yes/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Boyz And Da Hood</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boyz-and-da-hood/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boyz-and-da-hood/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 14 Apr 2013 15:47:40 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cars]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[college]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[trips]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31723</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Danny and I are driving down to Nashville after our college Christmas break. We’re somewhere in Pennsylvania, cruising down the interstate, when the car goes into a spin. We both do what any manly college senior would do – we scream like little girls. I grip the door handle in terror as Danny fights to maintain control. The front end of the Charger slams into the guard rail. We ricochet off the railing and slide backwards down the interstate. The Charger comes to a stop in the breakdown lane. We sit in silence, watching the scene before us as panicked drivers hit the brakes and swerve to get out of the way. The interstate comes to a standstill. I glance over at Danny. “Hey man, I don’t think we can park here.” Danny flicks on the hazards. He starts the car, turns, and heads in the correct direction. The road before us is empty, the drivers behind us wisely choosing to give wide berth to a pair of jokers in a bad sports car. Danny angles across the icy highway and gets into the right-side breakdown lane. He exhales loudly. We pull off at the next exit and get out [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/boyz-and-da-hood/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>5</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Jiffy&#8217;s Law</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jiffys-law/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jiffys-law/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:44:13 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[auto shops]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cars]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31659</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Everyone has heard of Murphy’s Law. This rule holds that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. It applies to fertility clinic mix-ups and presidencies under guys with the surname Bush and everything else in the world. Well, there’s also a related law that most people are not familiar with. It’s called Jiffy’s Law. The other day I went in to get a lube and oil change on my car. After dropping off the vehicle, I went out and wandered around the neighborhood. I was puttering through a historic neighborhood, checking out buildings and enjoying myself. But then it happened. I got The Call. You know the one &#8212; that unwanted correspondence from a mechanic who has a few little surprises to brighten your day. It turned out that I needed to replace something called a clutch slave-and-master cylinder. I also needed to fix something dealing with my radiator. And, to put a little cherry on top, I needed to replace a rear turn-signal light. This made me think that the owner of a car I saw on a weedy lot in Northeast Washington State had the right idea – he’d removed the doors from his vehicle and used [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/jiffys-law/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>This Land Is Your Land, But Bring A Coat</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/this-land-is-your-land-but-bring-a-coat/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/this-land-is-your-land-but-bring-a-coat/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 10 Apr 2013 15:49:09 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Good Clean Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Beaches]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Pacific NW]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31601</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The beaches in the Pacific Northwest beautiful, but they’re also rugged, blustery things. It’s rarely hot and often windy. During the summer months the average temperature on the coast is a blistering upper 60’s/lower 70’s. In my photo album I have a picture from a visit to the Oregon coast when I lived in Portland. I’ve got a wool hat on and I’m wearing a Gore Tex ski coat. In July. Yes, this is No Country For Old Speedos. It’s quite a change for someone who once stayed on an East Coast beach long enough to develop full-body, quarter-sized blisters that turned his skin into bubble wrap. I’m not the first person to find this strange. Legend has it that when Lewis and Clark arrived in Oregon after a long, grueling trek, they just wanted to chill out and sunbathe on the beach. When they spotted the chilly, howling coast with its pounding surf, Clark’s first words were “You have got to be kidding me.” His pal Lewis just turned around and started walking home. The last time I visited the coast I was with a couple who are true coast aficionados. One afternoon we went for a stroll along [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/this-land-is-your-land-but-bring-a-coat/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Things That Backfire</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/things-that-backfire/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/things-that-backfire/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 08 Apr 2013 17:11:54 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cars]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[divorce]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31554</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I’m a big fan of vanity license plates. I remember clearly the day I sat in traffic behind a guy with a plate that read BMR*FVR. Traffic was clogged up by cars that had tried to make it through a red light but failed, thereby blocking the intersection. The Beamer-Fever guy in front of me waved his hands in the air and raged at his windshield in utter powerlessness. It was hardly the automotive experience he envisioned when he bought the car. But it was fun to watch. The other day I saw a picture of a plate reading WAS*HIS. I laughed, but not in the “gotcha,” Sex In The City way I was supposed to. No, I instantly thought of how this plate would probably backfire: * If the owner plows through a crosswalk, injures a pedestrian, and tries to flee, she will be easily recognizable. Which plate are witnesses going to remember – one reading 167*HXY or the one that says WAS*HIS? * Say goodbye to future dating with this license plate. It’s the automotive equivalent of having a swastika tattooed on your forehead. * The plate is a magnet for thieves. What teenager or sports-bar owner wouldn’t [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/things-that-backfire/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>8</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>On Coaches</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/on-coaches/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/on-coaches/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 06 Apr 2013 17:14:32 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[coaches]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[high school]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hockey]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31516</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A college basketball coach recently got fired after a video emerged of him shoving players, throwing basketballs, and unleashing homophobic rants on a player. I’ve never understood the whole motivate-me-by-putting-me-down thing you frequently see in coaches. After all, it’s just a game, not a bondage session with a dominatrix who’s training you to submit. In high school I had a hockey coach nicknamed Muddy. Muddy was a twitchy, short guy with a testy demeanor. Whenever we were losing a game, which was most of the time, Muddy would burst into our locker room between periods and bark “God damn it guys…” in a high pitched shriek. We’d all lower our heads in remorse and wait out Muddy’s condemnation-heavy “motivational” speech. After he stomped back out, we’d return to discussing the upcoming weekend kegger. Muddy’s angst over our lack of discipline and determination wasn’t limited to just games. One day we had a “tip-in” drill at practice. My friend Jim stood at the blue line while Greg stood in the corner with the puck. The objective was for Greg to pass the puck to Jim and then sprint to the front of the net. He would stop, face Jim, and wait [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/on-coaches/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Other Karate Kid</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-other-karate-kid/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-other-karate-kid/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 04 Apr 2013 17:08:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Karate]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[robbery]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31479</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[The other day I was walking back from somewhere when I heard a loud, shouting noise. I glanced around and saw that I was alone on the residential street. Then I heard the noise once again. I followed the sound and discovered it was coming through the open window of a Jujitsu training center across the street. I moseyed over to the building and saw a group of men dressed in white robes with colored sashes tied around their waists. A tall, tough-looking instructor marched around the perimeter of the room, fists balled as he barked out commands. But the real action took place on a thick rubber mat in the center of the room. There, a group of middle-aged guys were doing frantic push-ups. Well, they were kind of doing push-ups. Mostly they just bent their elbows a bit and then pushed their bodies back up. If a full push-up, where you drop your chest to the floor, is considered 100%, these students were giving it a solid 20%. I’ve never liked push-ups or pull-ups. As a kid I had one of those bars you’d squeeze between the edges of a doorway to exercise with. You know the ones [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-other-karate-kid/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>3</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Dude Don&#8217;t Feather Dust</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-dude-dont-feather-dust/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-dude-dont-feather-dust/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 02 Apr 2013 19:56:18 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guys]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[housework]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31392</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A Georgia politician recently took considerable flack for claiming that gay marriage will lead to massive fraud. This woman believes that heterosexual friends will get “married” so one friend can access the benefits offered by the other’s job. The liberal media is howling, claiming that this is a last-ditch effort to inject fear into an issue that’s already been lost. I’m fortunate to have health insurance because of my wife. But if I didn’t, what would be my reality? I’d pay a gazillion dollars to get the fungus on my big toenail treated, and probably ten times that to deal with a serious illness. So if my only other option for avoiding financial insolvency was to “marry” my drinking buddy, would I do it? You betcha. And not to brag, but I’d be quite the catch.  I’d probably need to attend at least one holiday office party to help maintain the façade, and I’ve now got the drinking at those events firmly under control (don’t ask). But the more I consider this, the more I realize I’m probably the exception. What this politician is so afraid of would never happen en-masse, at least on the dude front. Why? One word: [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/the-dude-dont-feather-dust/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>5</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Why Are Young People Passing Up Driving?</title>
		<link>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/why-are-young-people-passing-up-driving/</link>
		<comments>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/why-are-young-people-passing-up-driving/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 01 Apr 2013 15:29:19 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas Sullivan</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Fiction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[driving]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guns]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://humoroutcasts.com/?p=31297</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Getting a driver’s license is supposedly a right of passage for young people. It gives them a chance to explore their world while also escaping the prying eyes of their parents. But according to various reports, young people aren’t nearly as interested in getting a driver’s license as they used to be. Why is this? Researchers offer two main reasons: (1) young people have less job security, so the cost of buying/running/insuring a car is prohibitive and (2) young people now connect on-line, so there’s less need for physical mobility when hooking up with friends. This is undoubtedly true, but researchers always seem to leave out the main reason kids are probably shunning driving: Guys like Brad. Brad is a middle-aged man who recently got cut off while driving. He pursued the drivers of the offending vehicle for twenty-five miles. When the other car stopped, Brad stopped as well, got out of his vehicle, and approached the two men he deemed to be his enemy. They were skinny young guys, likely in their twenties, and their combined weight appeared to be just shy of two hundred and fifty pounds. In the ensuing scuffle, which resembled an arm waving contest, Brad [...]]]></description>
		<wfw:commentRss>http://humoroutcasts.com/2013/why-are-young-people-passing-up-driving/feed/</wfw:commentRss>
		<slash:comments>4</slash:comments>
		</item>
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