Blog Archives

Unicorn Bites #591

July 10, 2016
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6-year-old: When I get married, do I have to take his last name? Me: You can use whatever last name you want. 6: Mine will be Darth Vader. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2016…

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Unicorn Bites #590

July 6, 2016
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6-year-old: I can’t reach anything. Me: You’re too small. 6: I’m the right size. The world is too big. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016 4-year-old: Why do I have to get dressed today?…

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Unicorn Bites #589

January 26, 2015
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2015 Anyone who puts in…

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Unicorn Bites #588

January 19, 2015
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Languages my wife speaks fluently: 1) English 2) silent treatments 3) disappointed sighs — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015 I just realized the year 2000 was 15 years ago. Excuse me while I pull…

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Unicorn Bites #587

January 13, 2015
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Midwest weather update: My snowman just froze to death. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2015 Me: Why don’t you listen to me? 4-year-old: You don’t have enough dragons. Me: Dragons aren’t real. 4: Not…

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Unicorn Bites #586

December 23, 2014
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Whenever I get a wedding invite, I secretly wonder if it’s because the couple likes me or wants to murder me. Thanks, Game of Thrones. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014 Me: Am I…

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Unicorn Bites #585

December 22, 2014
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Me: Hold my hand when we cross the road 4-year-old: That’s not safe Me: Why? 4: If a car hits you, I won’t be able to jump out of the way — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)…

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Unicorn Bites #584

December 22, 2014
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Step 1: Take a regular sentence. Step 2: Cut out all the vowels. Congratulations. You speak Russian. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2014 4-year-old: *sees an old war vet missing a thumb* Did you lose your…

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Unicorn Bites #583

December 21, 2014
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Me: Time for church. 4-year-old: We went last week. Me: We have to go every week. 4: Why? Is there something new in the Bible? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2014 Me: Why are you crying? 4-year-old: Mommy…

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Unicorn Bites #582

December 21, 2014
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Me: You can’t eat Hershey’s Kisses for breakfast. 4-year-old: But I put them in a cereal bowl. Me: 4: Me: You win this round. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2014 [in the grocery store]…

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