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Unicorn Bites #571

December 15, 2014
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4-year-old: Can I have Mountain Dew? Me: No. Go to bed. 4: I’ll need energy if zombies attack. Me: 4: Me: One can. Just in case. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014 Justin Bieber made $80 million last year. This…

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Unicorn Bites #587

December 12, 2014
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How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014 4-year-old: What does Jesus…

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Unicorn Bites #587

December 12, 2014
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Me: Want to come to work with me and see what I do all day? 4-year-old: No. I don’t want to be sad. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2014 Protip: Girls don’t want jewelry. Girls want…

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Unicorn Bites #587

December 12, 2014
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If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13,…

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Unicorn Bites #570

December 9, 2014
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014 4-year-old: You’re my hero.…

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Unicorn Bites #569

December 8, 2014
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[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know…

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Unicorn Bites #568

December 5, 2014
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Unicorn Bites #568

Me: I’ll take a pizza. Waiter: Sir, this is a five-star French restaurant. Me: Fine, I’ll take le pizza. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: Stop stalling and go to bed. 4-year-old: But…

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Unicorn Bites #567

December 5, 2014
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Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not…

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Unicorn Bites #566

December 3, 2014
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4-year-old: Can I get out of timeout? Me: What did you learn? 4: Don’t get caught. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014 Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead? Me: He…

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Unicorn Bites #565

December 2, 2014
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Me: *hugs 4-year-old* I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world. 4-year-old: I’d trade you for pizza. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2014 Me: What’s wrong? 4-year-old: I wish everything was made out…

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