Unicorn Bites 9/8/14
My mom: Stop making that stupid face. Me: This is my regular face. Mom: Me: Mom: Stop sitting where people can see you. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2014 4-year-old: The baby woke up […]
Tag: baby
Unicorn Bites 9/7/14
I took my 4-year-old to a museum. Her favorite part was the sliding door at the entrance. Next time I’ll just take her to the grocery store. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2014 4-year-old: […]
Unicorn Bites 9/5/14
4-year-old: Can we trade in the baby for a dolphin? Me: No. 4: But a dolphin can do way more tricks! She makes a valid point. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2014 Me: Did […]
Unicorn Bites 7/27/14
4-year-old: There’s a green monster behind you! Me: I don’t see it 4: He’s invisible Me: How do you know he’s green? 4: I’m a scientist. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2014 4-year-old: Can […]
Unicorn Bites 7/5/14
Baby: *makes a horrific snarling grimace that looks like she’s going to eat my soul* My wife: Aww, she’s smiling. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014 Cop: Do you know why I pulled you […]
Unicorn Bites 6/11/14
Productivity, meet Netflix. Netflix, meet- Netflix, put down that knife! Run, productivity! Run! Netflix, you killed it! Why? Oh why? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014 Doctor: Questions? Me: How do I know if […]
Unicorn Bites 6/7/14
My 4-year-old threw a temper tantrum because I can’t give her snow powers like Elsa in “Frozen.” There’s no end to my failings as a father. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2014 4-year-old daughter: […]
Unicorn Bites 1/29/14
I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014 Florida is set to vote on whether to allow medical […]
Unicorn Bites 12/17/13
It’s been 19 days and my boss still hasn’t noticed I changed his email status to “away” and his auto-reply message to “Can’t talk. Pooping.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013 *moves […]
Unicorn Bites 9/23/13
Friend: “I got a promotion & I’m having a baby” Me:“I put a bottle opener on my keychain. I guess there’s a lot going on in both our lives” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]