1. Don’t put your cat in charge of your inkjet toners. Cats are relatively color-blind and they can’t read numbers. If you ask her for a black toner, she’ll probably toss you a tri-color one.…
Don’t try to ice skate on a linoleum floor. You’ll look like a real dork. Your sneaky idiot friends will video you and post it on YouTube. The video will go viral and the whole…
1. Don’t let your cat get into a relationship with a skunk. A skunk can be a real stinker. 2. Hummus has garlic in it. Remember that the next time you are having lunch in…
1. Thou shalt not drip candle wax onto thy neighbor’s coat. 2. Thou shalt not smoke up the entire church with incense, thereby causing much coughing and sputtering among the people. 3. Thou shalt speak…
1. Don’t try to eat ice cream with your fingers. It’s messy and it doesn’t taste as good on the end of your finger as it does in a spoon. The same goes for chocolate…
To a child, a birthday is second only to Christmas as The Greatest Day of the Year. A birthday means a party, balloons, presents, and being the center of attention. It also means being one…
1. Leftover frozen yogurt that has been sitting in the freezer for two months after being opened isn’t the best choice for dessert. 2. If you have left ice cubes untouched in the freezer for…
1. Start the morning with a visit to the dentist and a root canal. I did this a few days ago. Fortunately, I am not afraid of dentists. I have been known to doze off…
In my last essay, titled “How to Talk to People in Europe Without Sounding Like a Stupid Foreigner,” I dropped some pearls of advice to American travelers in Europe. I will now reverse myself and…
“Foreigner?” you say. “FOREIGNER?! I’m an American. I am not a foreigner.” Well, I have news for you. When you are in other people’s countries, you are the foreigner. You are playing in their yard.…
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