Unicorn Bites 4/13/14
Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014 Me: *fucks […]
Tag: humoroutcasts
Unicorn Bites 4/10/14
Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014 Me: Do […]
Unicorn Bites 4/9/14
I’m sorry, ladies, but if you wear a tight dress and high heels, you’re not “dressed to kill.” At least put on a ski mask or something. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2014 If […]
Unicorn Bites 4/7/14
My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014 Wife: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/6/14
My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick […]
Sometimes I think my thoughts are not joined up.
On Tuesday evenings, I wear a stupid hat. It’s the type of hat that a medical student cat, working on a hyperventilating rat, would not be caught dead in. There’s a reason why I wear […]
Unicorn Bites 4/5/14
My 3-year-old asks me “Why?” 10,000 times a day, so, no, I don’t think I’d crack under torture. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2014 Me:*wakes up 3-year-old* 3: How old do I have to […]
Unicorn Bites 4/4/14
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you been saved by Jesus? Me: Can he save me from this conversation? Him: *leaves* Me: Praise the Lord! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2014 Miley Cyrus is an inspiration […]
And The NCAA Tournament Champion Is..
Okay, you didn’t win a billion dollars. You’re not alone. Not one person in the Billion Dollars Warren Buffett Quicken Loans Pick All The Winners contest won. So Warren didn’t have to pay out. […]
Unicorn Bites 4/3/14
Me: I’m here to trade in my car. Salesman: M: S: M: S: You have to take your kids out of it first. Fuck. I hoped he’d take them, too. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April […]