Posts Tagged ‘ husband ’

Moravian Christmas Cookies, the DMV, and Murder

March 31, 2016
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Czech Dessert MORAVIAN CHRISTMAS COOKIES INGREDIENTS 1 teaspoon baking soda 1½ tablespoons warm water 1 cup brown sugar 1¼ cups molasses ½ cup shortening or lard 4 cups flour 1 teaspoon cinnamon ¾ teaspoon ground…

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Flushing a Marriage Down the Toilet

April 20, 2015
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A Japanese woman has been charged with attempted murder for slashing her husband’s face because he left the bathroom “stinky.”   I’m not a marriage counselor, but I think this situation might have been avoided if…

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Unicorn Bites #570

December 9, 2014
By

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014 4-year-old: You’re my hero.…

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Unicorn Bites #569

December 8, 2014
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[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know…

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Unicorn Bites #567

December 5, 2014
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Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not…

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Unicorn Bites #560

November 26, 2014
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Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote><…

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Unicorn Bites #557

November 20, 2014
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Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You…

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Unicorn Bites #546

November 10, 2014
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If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me…

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Unicorn Bites #545

November 10, 2014
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Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look…

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Unicorn Bites #538

November 6, 2014
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014 Me: Why do you have…

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