Posts Tagged ‘ husband ’

Pumpkin candies are here!

September 22, 2017
By

Suspicions: I have a feeling my wife is out to get me. She was all of 39 years old when she decided she didn’t want to be 40. So she punishes me. What is she…

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Moravian Christmas Cookies, the DMV, and Murder

March 31, 2016
By

Czech Dessert MORAVIAN CHRISTMAS COOKIES INGREDIENTS 1 teaspoon baking soda 1½ tablespoons warm water 1 cup brown sugar 1¼ cups molasses ½ cup shortening or lard 4 cups flour 1 teaspoon cinnamon ¾ teaspoon ground…

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Flushing a Marriage Down the Toilet

April 20, 2015
By

A Japanese woman has been charged with attempted murder for slashing her husband’s face because he left the bathroom “stinky.”   I’m not a marriage counselor, but I think this situation might have been avoided if…

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Unicorn Bites #570

December 9, 2014
By

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014 4-year-old: You’re my hero.…

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Unicorn Bites #569

December 8, 2014
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[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know…

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Unicorn Bites #567

December 5, 2014
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Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not…

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Unicorn Bites #560

November 26, 2014
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Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote><…

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Unicorn Bites #557

November 20, 2014
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Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You…

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Unicorn Bites #546

November 10, 2014
By

If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me…

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Unicorn Bites #545

November 10, 2014
By

Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look…

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