Unicorn Bites #546
If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me […]
Tag: husband
Unicorn Bites #545
Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look […]
Unicorn Bites #538
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014 Me: Why do you have […]
Unicorn Bites #528
Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have […]
Unicorn Bites #521
4-year-old: Why do you get sad when you get the mail? Me: It’s nothing but bills. 4: You should tell Bill to stop writing you letters. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014 Girls posts […]
Unicorn Bites #518
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff? Me: It’s like writing his name on it. 4: So I- Me: YOU HAVE TO — USE PENCILS. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 3, 2014 I didn’t […]
Unicorn Bites #517
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014 4-year-old: Dad? Me: What? I’m […]
Unicorn Bites #512
My recent Google searches: How to get glue out of a kid’s eyebrows How to remove glue without removing eyebrows How to replace eyebrows — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014 You call it “lazy.” […]
The special blue pill
I hear my husband running down the hall to where I stood in the bathroom putting in my contacts. “What is this?” He’s holding out his hand. I look down at it, thinking it’s a […]
Unicorn Bites 9/20/14
I don’t care what the vet says. If your dog weighs less than 10 pounds, it’s a cat. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2014 4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you make milk for the baby? […]