Unicorn Bites 4/27/14

Wife: Your beard is ugly. Shave it off. Me:*shaves it off* Wife: Never mind. The problem is your face. I get it, single people. I get it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2014 3-year-old: […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/13/14

Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014 Me: *fucks […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/24/14

Wife: Are you OK to drive? Me: I passed a breathalyzer. Wife: That’s your iPhone, and you licked it. Me: Are you a cop? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014 3-year-old: What happened to […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/6/14

Me: Now do you believe me? Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted. Me: Then who made all that ice? Wife: *walks away* Me: WHO?! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 6, 2014 Wife: How much do you […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/26/14

Me: How was daycare? 3-year-old daughter: My friend pooped his pants on purpose. I like him. Girls always go for the bad boys. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014 Wife: It’s unrealistic how Pokemon […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/7/14

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 7, 2014 Justin Bieber smoked […]

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Unicorn Bites 2/5/14

Me:*stands on the scale* *steps off* *stands on it again* Wife: Why’d you do that? I can’t tell her, but now I know the weight of a fart — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014 […]

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