Unicorn Bites #565
Me: *hugs 4-year-old* I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world. 4-year-old: I’d trade you for pizza. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2014 Me: What’s wrong? 4-year-old: I wish everything was made out […]
Me: *hugs 4-year-old* I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world. 4-year-old: I’d trade you for pizza. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2014 Me: What’s wrong? 4-year-old: I wish everything was made out […]
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014 Me: *reads classic children’s book “Are You My Mother”* 4-year-old: Is there […]
Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote>< […]
I asked my 4-year-old to draw a chicken. She drew four nuggets and a bottle of ketchup. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2014 Me: I did the dishes. Wife: You put one cup in […]
Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You […]
My 2-year-old just shouted, “What the hell?!” I’d be mad, but she said it when we ran out of Cheez-Its, so it seemed appropriate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2014 4-year-old: Why don’t you […]
Me: Time to get out of bed. 4-year-old: Why? At the end of the day, I’ll just get back in it. Me: 4: Me: *goes back to bed* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014 […]
2-year-old: I don’t want to eat my pork chop! Me: Name one thing that’s wrong with it. 2-year-old: It’s not pizza. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014 500,000 teens followed a random Target […]
4-year-old: Is Santa real? Me: No. 4: The Easter bunny? Me: No. 4: Spider-Man? Me: You better hope Spider-Man didn’t hear that. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2014 Me: When you’re older, what do […]
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of crows is called a murder. A group of NASCAR fans is called a trailer park. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 1, 2014 We’d have […]