Unicorn Bites #546
If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me […]
Tag: James Breakwell
Unicorn Bites #545
Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look […]
Unicorn Bites #544
4-year-old: What’s hope? Me: The first stage of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2014 How women plan a party: 1) Pick a theme 2) Make decorations 3) Cook festive foods How men plan […]
Unicorn Bites #538
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014 Me: Why do you have […]
Unicorn Bites #534
4 y.o: Why do the Ninja Turtles have a fat head like you? Me: I don’t have a fat head. 4: Me: 4: Why don’t you know you have a fat head? — Exploding Unicorn […]
Unicorn Bites #532
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly. 4-year-old: That’s it? Me: What did you want it to be? 4: A dragon. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2014 *doesn’t let daughters […]
Unicorn Bites #531
Boss: Why is your 5-year plan just a blank page with “wing it” written in purple crayon? Me: I couldn’t find my red one. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014 I believe in giving […]
Unicorn Bites #530
Me: What do bunnies eat? 4-year-old: Grass. Me: What do lions eat? 4: Meat. Me: What do eagles eat? 4: Freedom. Damn right. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2014 4-year-old: Why aren’t we driving? […]
Unicorn Bites #529
Me: *unloads the groceries* 4-year-old: You forgot to buy cookies. Me: I didn’t want to buy cookies. 4: Now she knows monsters are real. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2014 Me: Every single one […]
Unicorn Bites #528
Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have […]