Unicorn Bites 2/7/14
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 7, 2014 Justin Bieber smoked […]
Tag: marriage
Unicorn Bites 2/1/14
My 3-year-old saw a picture of an orangutan and asked if it was a wookie. She lives in a world where Chewbacca is real. Childhood is awesome — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2014 Women […]
Unicorn Bites 1/29/14
I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014 Florida is set to vote on whether to allow medical […]
Unicorn Bites 1/21/14
Me: It’s cold. You need a hat. 3-year-old daughter: But it’ll mess up my hair. She put fashion ahead of comfort. She’s officially a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014 When my wife […]
The Year Of The Truce?
In-law situations can be tough. Misunderstandings arise that can be quite challenging to resolve. For example, when your father-in-law gets mad at you and your wife for cooking meth, it usually doesn’t help to say […]
Unicorn Bites 1/4/14
There are no awkward silences in my marriage. My wife fills them all with words. So. Many. Words. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014 Wife: Am I emotional when I’m pregnant? Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/16/13
3-year-old: My feet are cold. Me: Why did you take off your socks? 3: Daddy, you’re not helping. Me and my useless, unrelated questions. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2013 Wife: You’re […]
A Letter To My Boss
Today I got home early enough to learn that I have a third child! Who knew? She’s cute and perky and called me Daddertat, and asked me “why are you so bald?” a lot, so […]
Manson’s Bride?
A 25-year-old woman claims to be the fiancé of Charles Manson. She is spearheading a campaign to have the serial murderer released because she feels he was railroaded into jail. I guess there is now […]