Unicorn Bites 5/17/14
If you still think having kids is a good idea, today my 2-year-old threw a fit because her Velcro is too loud. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2014 I stopped caring about fashion when […]
Tag: shoes
Unicorn Bites 12/22/13
A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, […]
Unicorn Bites 12/15/13
My daughter got a book about eating healthy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal. That’s kind of like getting a lecture on being nice from Al-Qaeda. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 15, 2013 My […]
Unicorn Bites 10/26/13
When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013 Daycare lady: […]
Attention Investors: Awesome Entreprenurial Opportunity
I was recently talking on the phone with a friend. We were both quite excited about the new bike carrier he’d bought for his car. Yes, my world is that big. “Best of all,” my […]
Unicorn Bites 9/25/13
“Beaver” is a terrible name for a vagina. I don’t want to have sex with something that destroys wood. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 25, 2013 I don’t know why women are obsessed […]
Going Viral
I recently talked to a blogger who gets thousands of hits a day. Desperate to learn his secrets, I imagined cuffing and coercing him into an isolated room with two chairs, a metal table, and lighting designed specifically to intimidate. I saw myself tossing back a shot of whiskey, lighting a cigar, […]
This is not true. I’m actually a nice guy.
I took Jill Y on a romantic getaway to the shops to get some shoes. It was a special day that she’ll never forget. I woke her up early and told her that I didn’t […]
In Google Russia, options show you!
It’s no secret that I have an unhealthy, obsessive hatred for Bon Jovi but that’s only because they are a truly bland, ordinary band. When I wear my ‘I heart Bon Jovi’ t-shirt, I do […]