Posts Tagged ‘ three year olds ’

Unicorn Bites 5/5/14

May 5, 2014
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The fastest things in the universe: 1) sound 2) light 3) regret immediately after I made any decision — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014 I never put my money where my mouth is because…

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Unicorn Bites 5/4/14

May 4, 2014
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My stages of drunk: 1) I don’t feel buzzed. 2) I’m drunk, but I’ll pretend I’m not. 3) Fuck it. I’m wearing a kilt. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014 Me: I DON’T HAVE…

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Unicorn Bites 4/14/14

April 14, 2014
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1-year-old: *walks in with a handful of Pringles* Me: You can’t have those for breakfast. 1: *hands me one* Me: I didn’t see anything. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2014 Me: *walks in the…

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Unicorn Bites 4/6/14

April 6, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/6/14

My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick…

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Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

April 6, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 4/5/14

My 3-year-old asks me “Why?” 10,000 times a day, so, no, I don’t think I’d crack under torture. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2014 Me:*wakes up 3-year-old* 3: How old do I have to…

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Unicorn Bites 3/20/14

March 20, 2014
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3-year-old: Let me drive Me: You can’t reach the gas 3: I’ll use my hands M: How will you see? 3: With my butt M: *gives her the keys* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20,…

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Unicorn Bites 3/19/14

March 19, 2014
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Malaysia Airlines is going to be so embarrassed if it had all its planes this whole time and somebody just miscounted. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2014 Some people actually look up to the…

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Unicorn Bites 1/2/14

January 2, 2014
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Unicorn Bites 1/2/14

My wife gives our 1-year-old constant love and attention. I gave her the sticker from an orange. Now I’m her favorite parent. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014 Sir Mix-a-Lot: "I like big butts…

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Unicorn Bites 12/3/13

December 3, 2013
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Unicorn Bites 12/3/13

In social situations, my 3-year-old recites random facts. Her favorite is, “When you and mommy get old, you’ll die.” She’s fun at parties. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2013 No, I didn’t say, “I’m…

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Unicorn Bites 12/1/13

December 1, 2013
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Unicorn Bites 12/1/13

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table. — James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December…

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