Posts Tagged ‘ wife ’

Forget about forgetting surgery

February 10, 2017
By

There’s another dimension of surgery beyond that which is known to the patient. According to the guy in the hospital who kept referring to himself as my bartender, I, the patient in this case, wouldn’t…

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Show Biz And Marriage

October 28, 2016
By

I must confess that it is really difficult to describe some of the wacky commercial shoots I work on to the average civilian, let alone my wife. I have been on sets where we: stuffed…

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No flowers for my wife

June 3, 2016
By

I don’t give my wife flowers. After only a few days they’re drooping, smelling and dead. I even hate the process of buying flowers. “What’d you do wrong?” guys ask, laughing. Ladies don’t say anything.…

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Flushing a Marriage Down the Toilet

April 20, 2015
By

A Japanese woman has been charged with attempted murder for slashing her husband’s face because he left the bathroom “stinky.”   I’m not a marriage counselor, but I think this situation might have been avoided if…

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Unicorn Bites #570

December 9, 2014
By

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014 4-year-old: You’re my hero.…

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Unicorn Bites #569

December 8, 2014
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[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know…

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Unicorn Bites #567

December 5, 2014
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Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not…

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Unicorn Bites #560

November 26, 2014
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Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote><…

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Unicorn Bites #557

November 20, 2014
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Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You…

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Unicorn Bites #546

November 10, 2014
By

If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me…

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By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

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