Posts Tagged ‘ wife ’

Pumpkin candies are here!

September 22, 2017
By

Suspicions: I have a feeling my wife is out to get me. She was all of 39 years old when she decided she didn’t want to be 40. So she punishes me. What is she…

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Wife says ‘You two are better than U2!’

June 9, 2017
By

I’ve been married almost 17 years, and I know that my wife is not materialistic. For Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and birthdays, she doesn’t want much. She’s more into the thought and love behind a…

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Forget about forgetting surgery

February 10, 2017
By

There’s another dimension of surgery beyond that which is known to the patient. According to the guy in the hospital who kept referring to himself as my bartender, I, the patient in this case, wouldn’t…

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Show Biz And Marriage

October 28, 2016
By

I must confess that it is really difficult to describe some of the wacky commercial shoots I work on to the average civilian, let alone my wife. I have been on sets where we: stuffed…

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No flowers for my wife

June 3, 2016
By

I don’t give my wife flowers. After only a few days they’re drooping, smelling and dead. I even hate the process of buying flowers. “What’d you do wrong?” guys ask, laughing. Ladies don’t say anything.…

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Flushing a Marriage Down the Toilet

April 20, 2015
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A Japanese woman has been charged with attempted murder for slashing her husband’s face because he left the bathroom “stinky.”   I’m not a marriage counselor, but I think this situation might have been avoided if…

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Unicorn Bites #570

December 9, 2014
By

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014 4-year-old: You’re my hero.…

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Unicorn Bites #569

December 8, 2014
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[in church] 4-year-old: *makes lightsaber noises* Wife: Stop. Me: I’ll handle this. *takes kid to the cry room* *has a lightsaber duel* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2014 Me: I’m 29. Do you know…

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Unicorn Bites #567

December 5, 2014
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Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not…

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Unicorn Bites #560

November 26, 2014
By

Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote><…

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