Unicorn Bites #567
Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not […]
Me: I love you. 4-year-old: Me: This is the part where you say, “I love you, too.” 4: I wish you were a kangaroo. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014 4-year-old: How come not […]
Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote>< […]
Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You […]
If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me […]
Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look […]
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014 Me: Why do you have […]
Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have […]
2-year-old:*wakes me up* What’s that sound? Me: What sound? 2: A taco Me: 2 Me:*grabs baseball bat* There’s a fucking taco in my house — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014 [at church] 4-year-old: This […]
4-year-old: Why do you get sad when you get the mail? Me: It’s nothing but bills. 4: You should tell Bill to stop writing you letters. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014 Girls posts […]
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff? Me: It’s like writing his name on it. 4: So I- Me: YOU HAVE TO — USE PENCILS. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 3, 2014 I didn’t […]