7 Problems With the Song “Christmas Shoes”

There are fewer than five days until Christmas, and even though this is one of my favorite times of year there’s an unavoidable annual pox on this holiday that seethes like a raging pustule begging for a lancing.

We all know the problem I’m referring to…it’s the song Christmas Shoes performed by Bob Carlisle.

Now before I puncture this winter solstice boil, I must confess that for years I was entranced by this song’s syrupy, over-the-top-of-the-tree sentimentality.

In fact, I’m currently held in auditory bondage by Carlisle’s melancholic ode to fatherhood Butterfly Kisses ,which still makes me tear up every single time – curse you Carlisle!

Similarly at one time in my life, I would hear the opening notes to Christmas Shoes; shhhh anyone in earshot; pumped up the volume and listened in rapt attention as I went all moist in the eye and bottom lip quivered akin to Santa’s gelatinous abdomen.

But after the billionth time or so, something in me snapped like a two-year stale peppermint candy cane.

Many will be upset with this post because I know there are still millions of people who love this song, yet there’s no accounting for taste since many people still have a fondness for haggis, polyester blends and the comedic stylings of Carrot Top. But someone has to speak up and confront this musical malady. So despite my hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance, here are my 7 Problems With Christmas Shoes:

7. What kind of parent(s), would let their underage child roam the desolate streets of a town, strip mall or shopping center alone on Christmas Eve? My first problem with this song is the egregious fictional judgment of the fictional parents and their fictional parenting skills portrayed in this fictional song.

6. Obviously, the child depicted in the story was too young to drive a car. Yet in reality, most public transportation systems in the U.S. shut down well before noon on Christmas Eve day as part of negotiated contracts so that the public workers can spend time with their families. That means this kid’s only form of transportation to the store was hitchhiking, which is illegal for minors in most states and not very conducive to the idea of “comfort and joy.”

5. A line in the song states “…he counted pennies for what seemed like years….” – are pennies even in circulation anymore in this country? Isn’t the Greek Drachma worth more than a U.S. penny these days? I’m just saying…..

4. Another line from the song reads “…it’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size…” Science has found that the human foot can vacillate up to two sizes within a 24-hour period based on diet, temperature, physical activity or lack thereof, sodium intact or a medical condition. So without a precise measurement from a genuine Brannock Device (see image insert) within :30 minutes of shoe purchase, the boy’s foot estimates are suspect. Additionally, I don’t think HMO’s or Medicaid cover Brannock measurements.

3. This song inspired a best-selling book that then inspired a made-for-TV movie of the same name starring Rob Lowe who played the song’s narrator. Personally, I resent Rob Lowe. It’s not because of his dashing good looks or his creation of the celebrity-sex-tape genre when his videotaped dalliance with an underage girl made news at the 1988 Democratic Convention. I resent Lowe, because he broke the heart of my boyhood crush, Melissa Gilbert (aka Laura Ingalls, aka half-pint from the 1970s TV show Little House on the Prairie) when he dumped her for Princess Stéphanie in 1986. Curse you Lowe!

2. One word – Zappos. With 24-hour shipping, this would have eliminated the whole-time-compressed drama aspect of the Christmas Shoe song. I’m just saying…

1. The most problematic line in the song for me reads, “…daddy says there’s not much time…” alluding to the impending death of the boy’s mother. So, apparently this is a long-term relationship with a father and mother who love each other and their son. If there’s “…not much time..” why the heck would any father let an only child leave the presence of his mom on her deathbed? Imagine if the boy got back with the shoes and the mom had passed? Now that would traumatize the boy for life from footwear shopping and gift giving of any kind.

The only thing that’s close to reality in this song is the idea of  the guy standing behind the boy, waiting until the last minute to buy something. I’m speaking for all males when I say guilty as charged in that regard. In case you want to read the words (though I’m not sure why you would), here’s a link to the lyrics of Christmas Shoes.

Question: What holiday songs do you loathe because of lyrical inconsistencies and suspension of belief?