A Lesson Learned | HumorOutcasts

A Lesson Learned

June 6, 2011
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It’s about 5:45pm and the girlfriend walks in the front door, she’s coming home from work. Her arrival occurs as I am walking out of the bathroom… my pants are unzipped and a tuft of material from my boxers is peeking out, I have just buttoned my shorts and I am fastening my belt when we make eye contact. Commence awkwardness.

GF: “Did… did I just catch you?”

JB: “Fapping?”

GF: “Huh?”

JB: “Jerking it… cleaning the pipe… choking the chicken… thinking about Kate Upton.”

GF: “Yes, that is what I am asking.”

JB: “No. I was paying my last respects to your glorious cooking.”

GF: “You were not, you were totally masturbating!”

JB: “Go into the bathroom and inspect, oh sage of Bishop flogging.”

GF: “OH WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT IS NASTY!”

JB: “That’s what you get for not believing me. I warned you. Together, we can grow from this experience. Would you like to sit down and talk about what just happened?”

GF: “Damn it! That is… Jesus.”

JB: “Yes, he was there… backing me in my time of need.”

GF: “Whatever.”

Joseph Boxer

JB is the author of Memoirs of a Serial Bachelor. He is a fan of all things manly -- his girlfriend, beer, autos, and sports. He also dabbles in some pseudo-masculine endeavors, including men’s fashion and the resuscitation of chivalry. He recently canned his agent for being an unmotivated boat anchor and is currently looking for new management.

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15 Responses to A Lesson Learned

  1. Emma
    June 7, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Oh my God, Joey. Hahahaha. I’m glad I have these on my RSS feed. You’re a crack up.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    June 6, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Funny stuff. Along the lines of, “If a man says something in a forest and there isn’t a woman there to hear him . . . is he still wrong?!”

    • June 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

      The tree still crashes and men are always wrong.

  3. June 6, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Wait, who’s Kate Upton? I feel like I’m missing out on something spectacular. Besides, my Betty White pin-ups are getting stale.

    • June 6, 2011 at 6:23 pm

      Betty White is a saint!

      Kate Upton is THE new supermodel… you can check out her website, http://www.kateupton.com, Eric. Even though it is suitable for work, I recommend checking it out at home with the shades drawn and the keyboard at an arms length distance.

      • June 7, 2011 at 6:53 pm

        I checked it out and…let’s just say I got upton.

        • June 7, 2011 at 6:55 pm

          I’ll concede her… if I can have Miranda Kerr in this fantasy draft?

  4. Chris
    June 6, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Yeahhh bud! Kate Upton!!!…..

  5. June 6, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Men are just gross! And you just don’t care that you are gross. You like being gross, don’t you? But, this was so funny!

    • June 6, 2011 at 1:04 pm

      …a woman has never done such a thing, Donna? Pssh. The lesson here is that when a woman doesn’t believe or listen to her man… there are repercussions. Those repercussions may involve mustard gas. I was simply trying to protect Girlfriend and she took matters into her own hands.

      • June 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm

        Don’t you know by now that women never do things like this? Women are perfect. If you would just realize this, you would not be writing great books like the Memoirs of a Serial Bachelor. Sure, it makes for fabulous reading, but how much better would your life be if you realized finally that women are perfect and you should just adjust to that idea…

        • June 6, 2011 at 1:43 pm

          Thank you for the compliment. 🙂

          Having walked into a bathroom after a woman has vacated it… and her bowels… I can promise you that the ruse is up. Embrace it, but please, PLEASE continue being a lady about it.



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