A letter to the British People on the Occasion of our Royal Wedding – Kim Kardashian

Dear British People:

We in America know that you British had the wedding of the century. Allow me to reassure you that we do not resent the pageantry and celebration.  In fact, we are jealous. We have nothing that compares to royalty. We had the Kennedys for a while, but let’s face facts: their star has faded. This is why we all got up from a sound slumber at 5 AM on April 29 to watch your Prince William wed Kate Middleton.  Well, the women got up; we loved the romance and the Cinderella atmosphere. American men–they didn’t care. As a rule, they hate weddings—even the royal ones. However, if it makes you feel better, thanks to Pippa and her dress, American men did find a reason to re-visit the video of your wedding for weeks after it was over.

With all the hoopla over your wedding, America did feel left out, so this weekend, we apparently named Kim Kardashian as our pseudo-princess. Yes, Kim got married to some basketball player. He looks cute and nice, but to be honest, I do not know his name. I don’t think this matters because the day was not about him. It was about Kim, her sisters, her mother and her Olympic-great stepfather and then finally the young groom.  This is not the Kardashians’ fault. This is what happens when one marries into the starring cast of a reality TV show.

The Kardashian nuptials have been the talk of tabloid gossip for months.  And just like your Kate, no one knew what Kim’s dress would look like.  Let me correct that: no one knew what Kim’s three dresses were going to look like. Yes, Kim changed three times during her wedding.  Do I find this offensive? No, not at all.  It’s her day, but I  can’t believe that someone would leave a wedding reception three times to change clothes.  I am a traditionalist. I think one dress is enough. I guess I can see the practicality of having two. What if a bride spills something on herself or she perspires like a sailor in a submarine engine room? Under those circumstances, it’s good to have a dress in reserve. But three is going overboard.  To me three dresses make me want to scream “You can’t make up your goddamn mind!  Pick a dress already, you narcissistic freak!”  Again, to show I am not just picking on Kim, the groom also changed into a second tux at some point in the reception too.  I wonder if the guests were required to bring a change of clothes as well.

Truthfully, I usually don’t always have these judgmental thoughts on the Kardashians. I like them; I don’t know why they are celebrities, but they seem to be nice, rich people and somewhat grounded young women. Okay, maybe not grounded but grateful for all that they have in life, and I don’t think they have to be grateful. These women were born with oodles of money; yet, they worked from the time they were teenagers.  They could have lived a life of luxury like the waste product we know as Paris Hilton, but they didn’t. They started careers and learned to be independent and their family remained a priority.  I applaud that.

Let’s return to the nuptials. Again, unlike William and Kate, Kim’s wedding was on the small side for a celebrity feast. Am I being insulting by calling William and Kate by their first names? Let me apologize if have insulted you by not knowing their official titles.  We in the Colonies don’t know titles unless someone wears a moniker such as  “Royal Pain in the Ass” or “The King of Drag Queens” or something similar. There were 450 guests who attended the Kardashian ceremony and reception at a private estate in California; I have heard of some Hollywood weddings and some royal weddings having guests that number in the thousands. So, to me, Kim’s hitching was an intimate affair.  I would have loved to have posted a photo of her dresses here for you, but People Magazine has the exclusive rights on this right now. They paid over a million dollars for the first shot of Kim in her bridal finery.

Oh, by the way, I just took a second to find out Kim’s new husband’s name: It is Kris. How great that Kim, who is the daughter of Kris who is the mother of Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, Kendall and Kylie, found a guy named Kris with a “K” to marry who also has a sister named Kaela?  What are the odds?  Either this was the coincidences of all coincidences or his name was at one time “Bob” and he was forced to change it before he could date Kim or join the TV cast.  I guess that would make him shallow.  Maybe, but I guarantee if someone offered me a chunk of Kardashian cash to change my name, I would not have a problem.

So, you had your royal wedding and we had ours.  Maybe the newlyweds will get together for dinner sometime at Buckingham Palace. Yes, I think they would all get along swimmingly.


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8 thoughts on “A letter to the British People on the Occasion of our Royal Wedding – Kim Kardashian”

  1. Kardashian? Oh, wait I know who she is . . . she’s that bride who ran interference between Lindsay Lohan, the bartender and her parole officer so Lindsay could get liquored up!

  2. Darling Donna – are you freaking kidding me? I renounce any interest/attachement to Kim’s wedding. Do not include me in the cast of oglers re: America’s royal wedding. I’m not one of you. No no no forget you even know me. Kim and Klan (like the iliteration?)are not my folks. I don’t give a rat’s ass if those girlies have been working in sweat shops since they were seven – they are a scourge on the intelligence of anyone with an IQ higher than 45. They’ve made us look like idiots with our interest/obesssion with their vacuous activities and weddings. Leave me out. I’ll move to England to be closer to Kate and William rather than be a part of the Kardashian Khaos.

    1. A little judgmental Gail, I must say. Do you know them personally? And if not, how do you know these things? You must have watched something. Tsk Tsk Tsk. HA HA

  3. I have to wonder if the poor guy knows what he’s gotten himself into, besides Kim that is. haha

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