They warned us. They warned us that legalizing gay marriage would lead us down a slippery slope that would eventually see man-on-dog and woman-on-baby marriage. Well, it’s now clear that what happens on Broadway affects Utah in more ways than The Book of Mormon: polygamists now want the legal right to pretend to be married and share a mortgage and kids.
Sure, they’re not really all married—just some dude to one woman and a bunch of girlfriends—but, let’s call this what it really is: pretty fucking cool.
I know, I know; it’s practically a stereotype for a male writer to Internet high-five some weird Mormon guy collecting women like Pokemon. I acknowledge that, but I’m not saying this for the reasons you think.
He’s not “collecting” so much as “refusing to throw away”
As I was getting to before jump, it’s pretty clear that this isn’t just a case of some hornball establishing a harem. Here’s the picture of his family:
I’ve never seen Sister Wives because I
respect myself was watching Real Housewives instead, but it’s pretty clear what’s going on here: rather than dump his wives whenever they reach their peak Kelly Blue Book value for a new model and debt, he’s staying. At this point, his worst crime is hoarding.
It’s basically one of those newfangled open marriages
As stated above, he’s legally married to one woman while dating a bunch of others. He splits his time living with them, raises his kids with them and helps pay their bills. If he could catch a football, he’d be a future Hall of Famer.
Granted, in an ideal world, this would mean that the women have also have the right to add more brother husbands into the mix for their needs. Thankfully, the Mormon Church has thought of this and decided why risk them colluding and calling each “husbros” between kegstands and Bed, Bath & Beyond excursions?
I don’t know how threesomes work because I’m pretty sure they only exist in porn and lies, but this couldn’t hurt the odds, could it?
With the NBA and NFL both looking like they won’t be back next season, Americans need a new sport to follow that isn’t soccer. Unfortunately, that means we’re all out of college sports to recruit from. (I said no, soccer.) So long as Takeru Kobayashi remains a Ronin in the world of competitive eating, Major League Eating is still ruled by Americans.
Well, the only thing Americans are better at than eating is … well, OK, we might be better at eating than making babies, but it’s a damn close second in our nations’ high schools.
We could set up a whole league around babies:
- Fastest insemination to take effect
- Biggest baby (measured in kingly footlengths, not those Eurotrash metrics)
- Most babies in one pregnancy
- Fastest birth from waterbreak to crowning
And these are the ones I just came up with in this sitdown at the ol’ adding machine.
The point is that, if we look at Kodi Brown situation with some perspective, we’d realize that we’re not raising a nation of deviants: we’re raising a nation of potential champions.