America’s New Favorite Pastime | HumorOutcasts

America’s New Favorite Pastime

June 7, 2011
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For at least the past 100 years, baseball has been considered America’s Favorite Pastime, and given that there was no TV or Internet available for most of those 100 years, it makes some amount of sense. Now that we’ve entered the digital age, and baseball is just plain boring, things are shifting, and quickly. It turns out that America’s New Favorite Pastime is celebrities, and not just admiring celebrities, but doing everything in our collective power to put them on a pedestal, and then beat them with a stick until they fall over. It’s an American thing to do, like Apple Pie, and iPods.

 

In this new favorite pastime, we all come together as a people to see if we can push the likes of Lindsay Lohan completely over the edge, then harshly criticize her for it. It’s amazingly entertaining. If you haven’t done it yet, you should try it some time, it’s actually quite easy, all you have to do is be self-righteous and smug about it. Yeah, you’re getting the hang of it, good job. Now stop.

The problem with this pastime is that we’re all obsessed by the traffic accident lookie-loo syndrome, and if we can get away with throwing the rock that starts the chain reaction to a complete crash, we all feel better about ourselves, and why shouldn’t we, it’s not our lives, we’re normal, and perfect. None of us would record ourselves having sex, or “accidentally” send a picture of our junk over twitter, it just doesn’t happen. We don’t have drug problems that ruin our lives, and we sure as hell wouldn’t have an eating disorder. That only happens to those people.

Well, wake up America! These people are you. You do have drug problems. Yeah, I’m talking to you, the one with the bong in your lap, put it down for a second, and continue reading, you may learn something. You also have eating disorders. How else do you explain your love/hate relationship with the KFC Double Down? Somebody is buying those delicious, one million calorie sandwiches, and it’s not just me. And, most importantly, you do film yourselves having sex. I have the internet, and I’ve seen the tapes, and I can say with 100% honesty, they’re not half bad. Thank you for that, don’t stop.

If you can take one thing away from this article though, just remember, they are just like you. Lindsay Lohan is just like you, she just dresses better than you, but she is the same. We forget this, because once we create these celebrities, they start acting the part, like they’re not the same carbon based life form, but made from some magical element from their better, more talented planet. It’s not true, it’s a lie, no matter what they think, they are human, and have faults like the rest of us.

In conclusion, as the great(sic) Rodney King once said, “Can’t we all just get along?” I’m not sure that really makes sense here, I’ve just always wanted to end an article quoting Rodney King, and now I’ve done it.

Kevin Woolery

Mostly untrue stories, and rants from an aspiring stand-up comedian, and comedy writer. Born, raised, and currently residing in Los Angeles, CA. Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/kdubcomedy

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3 Responses to America’s New Favorite Pastime

  1. June 7, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    NOW what are we going to do for fun?!

  2. Jack Sass
    June 7, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    (with a tear in eye) Internet porn… God Bless America! (sniff) 🙂

  3. Ted Thomas
    June 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Great stuff Kevin. I like the Rodney King ending. 🙂



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