An Open Letter to Men (Just Kiss the Girl)

I like to read magazines and newspapers, no mind paid to the format—print or electronic. One of my favorite segments to peruse involves readers writing in to editors or columnists… asking for sage-like advice on exactly how to get out of their own fucking way. Given the periodicals that I read, most of the topics can be categorized as Sex/Dating/Relationship Conundrums. It’s a completely selfish indulgence because I consider the topic to be my forte. It means that I can blindly, baselessly judge people without even a hint of remorse. Additionally, it’s nice to see what others think as it allows me to further hone my craft.

Over the last few months I have noticed a few write-ins asking about kissing after oral sex. To be explicit and as PG-13 as possible, the question is coming from a man who wants advice on how to handle his significant other… who wants to kiss him after he has ejaculated into her mouth during fellatio. We’re not talking about a potential snowball situation… this is after she has swallowed the semen or chosen to spit it out. Inherently, it’s a question of etiquette. When the Emily Post Institute drops the ball, chaos ensues.

Every time this life-altering dilemma gets addressed, the columnist predictably issues advice predicated on a heart-to-heart with the significant other. “Just tell her that you don’t like to be kissed after oral sex.” Even though no one is asking me, and someone should, I want to propose a different solution: Stop being a pussy.

Just once I would like for the columnist to offer up the following nugget: “Hey, kissing your woman after you’ve busted in her mouth doesn’t make you homosexual… it’s not gross… it’s not going to kill you… so stop worrying about this ridiculousness and concentrate on making her squeal before some guy like Joseph Boxer steps in, face humps her, then smooches her post-sprut.”

I am convinced that these guys who write in are the same “men” who think cunnilingus is disgusting. When did it become uncool or icky to go down on a woman? Is there a new breed of (heterosexual) male that sits in a sophomore Biology class and doesn’t think about eating snatch every five seconds? What happened to the days of smelly, sticky, gag-inducing masculine habits? Much like youth, is it wasted on the young and does getting older mean that pussification walks hand-in-hand with senescence? Somewhere in the ebb and flow of life, have we forgotten the nuances that make men… men? Has a negative connotation been attached to the word “man”? Did I miss something? I’ve heard the phrase “He’s such a man” before… was I suppose to assume that was a bad thing?

I’m sorry for this rant, but I just don’t get it. I wholly support chivalry and treating a woman like a lady (short of being placed on a pedestal). I also fully support getting dirt, grease, and oil under my fingernails; eating red meat and grunting between each bite; building and fixing things; passionately kissing my girlfriend regardless of ejaculate; and sticking my tongue between the pinkish lips of her glorious labia. Someone needs to smack these present day “men” who feel the need to write-in to a periodical and ask how to handle their significant other’s desire to suck face post-head.

We are often reminded of animals on the verge of extinction… the Sumatran Tiger, Javan Rhinoceros, and the Giant Panda… and how we should support efforts to reestablish their population. If things continue as they are, then you can add Man to the list. Someone needs to take the time to reestablish their dominance or at least slap the shit out of them.




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4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Men (Just Kiss the Girl)”

  1. Such detailed descriptions. Have you ever been offered a job at writing porn? I think you might have a talent for that as well as humor.

    1. The vivid descriptions plus humor and a plot is what makes my novel, Memoirs of a Serial Bachelor, entertaining. I’m biased, of course.

    1. A MAN doesn’t have an issue with this… the male, sub-MAN has an issue with this. I suspect these guys were coddled too much and left on mommy’s nipple through age eight.

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