Atheists Rescue Christian Pets

What is a devoted Christian to do?  Here, the Rapture is only one day away and many Christians have yet to make survival arrangements for their little Fido or Kitty.  As everyone knows, pets can’t partake in the Rapture – actually, I was unaware of this fact –so Christians, who are booked on the Paradise shuttle on May 21st, must find adoptive homes for their furry friends quickly.

But there’s good news for you rapturous Christians. There is no need to panic because guess who is coming to your rescue? Are you sitting down? It’s the Atheists – yes, the ones slated for eternal damnation for not believing  what you believe, can save your pets. Yes, the same people, who you deem responsible for unraveling the moral fabric of our world, are going to be the ones to tend to your beloved four-legged creatures and feathered friends when you are beamed up to heaven.

Of course, this ambitious rescue comes at a price, but what do you expect? For centuries, you have blamed Atheists for everything from the Bubonic Plague to killer tornadoes to West Nile Virus to the popularity of pineapple on pizza. So, you can’t expect Atheists to want to save your pets for free.

As an outsider to both ends of this religious spectrum, I want to give kudos to the Atheists. They could really slam it to the Christians and charge and exorbitant fee for post-rapture pet rescue. But they are being rather magnanimous – being Christian if you will – and charging a fair price for the pet retrieval and adoption service.  This is how it breaks down:

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will charge pet owners $135 for one pet in a household.  Each additional pet requires an additional $20 fee. The company is now in 26 states and will retrieve dogs, cats, birds, rabbits and small caged mammals. For the fortunate rapturerers who live in New Hampshire Vermont, Idaho and Montana, Atheist rescuers are available to care for your horses, camels, llamas and donkeys.

And please don`t worry that your pet will be in the hands of some nefarious and scary monster. The pet rescuers are screened for a criminal background. In fact, if  it wasn`t for the not-believing-in-God thing, you would  love these people; you would probably welcome them into your homes. You might even let them marry your daughters.  So, isn’t  it better they are non-believers? If they believed, they couldn`t offer this grand service. 

Okay, it’s time for all of you on the Road to the Rapture to check out the link below and make arrangements for your pets. It’s hard to say if you will be playing with the Angels or not this weekend, but no matter what, your four-legged friends will be enjoying their earth-bound existence with an Atheist friend.

Share this Post:

27 thoughts on “Atheists Rescue Christian Pets”

    1. I don’t know Mike. Can Social Services get involved because if they were more than willing to leave their pets behind, they are not so fit as animal parents in my book!

  1. Wow, we don’t have any pets right now! I am so glad the atheists came forward to help in this endeavor for some of my neighbors who soon don’t plan to be here!

    1. But the thing is, there will be another whack job out there spreading his fear and people will jump on the bandwagon again. Truthfully, I feel badly for the pets. I hope the pet rescuers get them anyway.

      1. Doesn’t CPS or someone frequently come and take kids when they are being neglected? I’m sure the Humane Society has a case for rounding up the pets that are planned on being left to starve to death…

  2. Atheists to the rescue!!! What a great marketing idea! Maybe they’ll have an End of the World BOGO sale in December!!

  3. I’m Catholic. According to the fundies, there is no way in hell that a Catholic will be raptured because we are headed to the infernal regions along with the Atheists and other heathens. So my cat is safe with me.

    1. It is amazing to me how all Christians are not equal and some are not eligible for the rapture. This is why I hate organized religion. They take a nice idea about love and the golden rule and turn it into a “it’s my way or nothing” fest.

          1. Well, I suppose I never officially resigned. I’m not sure where you do that. So they’re probably still counting me as a subscriber. Probably to prop up their advertising rates.

  4. Atheist make good capitalists.

    I’m sure the pets will be relieved also that they get to eat quicker with their new atheist owner – skipping prayer time and all that.

  5. My pets are safe, when my time comes I’m in charge of getting the beer. I forgot who’s getting the pizza, but I’m sure it’ll get covered. I hear the Devil throws the best parties anyway! 😉

    1. I can’t take credit for finding the original article that led me to write this “beautiful” piece, Phee. Jack Sass sent the article my way and I just went with it.

Comments are closed.