Atheists Rescue Christian Pets | HumorOutcasts

Atheists Rescue Christian Pets

May 19, 2011

What is a devoted Christian to do?  Here, the Rapture is only one day away and many Christians have yet to make survival arrangements for their little Fido or Kitty.  As everyone knows, pets can’t partake in the Rapture – actually, I was unaware of this fact –so Christians, who are booked on the Paradise shuttle on May 21st, must find adoptive homes for their furry friends quickly.

But there’s good news for you rapturous Christians. There is no need to panic because guess who is coming to your rescue? Are you sitting down? It’s the Atheists – yes, the ones slated for eternal damnation for not believing  what you believe, can save your pets. Yes, the same people, who you deem responsible for unraveling the moral fabric of our world, are going to be the ones to tend to your beloved four-legged creatures and feathered friends when you are beamed up to heaven.

Of course, this ambitious rescue comes at a price, but what do you expect? For centuries, you have blamed Atheists for everything from the Bubonic Plague to killer tornadoes to West Nile Virus to the popularity of pineapple on pizza. So, you can’t expect Atheists to want to save your pets for free.

As an outsider to both ends of this religious spectrum, I want to give kudos to the Atheists. They could really slam it to the Christians and charge and exorbitant fee for post-rapture pet rescue. But they are being rather magnanimous – being Christian if you will – and charging a fair price for the pet retrieval and adoption service.  This is how it breaks down:

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will charge pet owners $135 for one pet in a household.  Each additional pet requires an additional $20 fee. The company is now in 26 states and will retrieve dogs, cats, birds, rabbits and small caged mammals. For the fortunate rapturerers who live in New Hampshire Vermont, Idaho and Montana, Atheist rescuers are available to care for your horses, camels, llamas and donkeys.

And please don`t worry that your pet will be in the hands of some nefarious and scary monster. The pet rescuers are screened for a criminal background. In fact, if  it wasn`t for the not-believing-in-God thing, you would  love these people; you would probably welcome them into your homes. You might even let them marry your daughters.  So, isn’t  it better they are non-believers? If they believed, they couldn`t offer this grand service. 

Okay, it’s time for all of you on the Road to the Rapture to check out the link below and make arrangements for your pets. It’s hard to say if you will be playing with the Angels or not this weekend, but no matter what, your four-legged friends will be enjoying their earth-bound existence with an Atheist friend.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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27 Responses to Atheists Rescue Christian Pets

  1. May 22, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Who’s going to protect the pets from the disappointed non-Raptured Fundamentalists?

    • May 22, 2011 at 5:36 pm

      I don’t know Mike. Can Social Services get involved because if they were more than willing to leave their pets behind, they are not so fit as animal parents in my book!

  2. Mary Oberg
    May 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Wow, we don’t have any pets right now! I am so glad the atheists came forward to help in this endeavor for some of my neighbors who soon don’t plan to be here!

    • May 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm

      wow, do they really not plan on being here? Now, I am a bit creeped out. LOL

  3. May 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…well, we won’t get fooled again.

    • May 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

      But the thing is, there will be another whack job out there spreading his fear and people will jump on the bandwagon again. Truthfully, I feel badly for the pets. I hope the pet rescuers get them anyway.

      • May 20, 2011 at 11:48 am

        Doesn’t CPS or someone frequently come and take kids when they are being neglected? I’m sure the Humane Society has a case for rounding up the pets that are planned on being left to starve to death…

        • May 20, 2011 at 11:51 am

          Yes, there should be some kind of rescue if they were willing to leave their animals. I have no patience with this stuff anymore.

          • May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

            If my supreme being wanted me to float to the heavens and leave my dogs to starve to death, I’d ask, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  4. May 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Do I get the money upfront?

    • May 20, 2011 at 11:45 am

      I thought about you for this. YES! You do get the money upfront, and no refunds if the Rapture doesn’t happen. I smell some serious money.

      • May 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

        What’s the franchise fee?

        • May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

          Go to the link and ask them. I bet your state has plenty of openings. They all do!!!

  5. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 20, 2011 at 8:10 am

    Atheists to the rescue!!! What a great marketing idea! Maybe they’ll have an End of the World BOGO sale in December!!

    • May 20, 2011 at 8:55 am

      Deb, that would be great ! HA HA

  6. Kathy Minicozzi
    May 19, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I’m Catholic. According to the fundies, there is no way in hell that a Catholic will be raptured because we are headed to the infernal regions along with the Atheists and other heathens. So my cat is safe with me.

    • May 20, 2011 at 7:23 am

      It is amazing to me how all Christians are not equal and some are not eligible for the rapture. This is why I hate organized religion. They take a nice idea about love and the golden rule and turn it into a “it’s my way or nothing” fest.

      • May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

        That’s one of the reasons I stopped being Catholic. We are excluded from the rapture. One of the reasons…

        • May 20, 2011 at 11:52 am

          Your list is as long as mine Eric!

          • May 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

            Well, I suppose I never officially resigned. I’m not sure where you do that. So they’re probably still counting me as a subscriber. Probably to prop up their advertising rates.

  7. lbwoodgate
    May 19, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Atheist make good capitalists.

    I’m sure the pets will be relieved also that they get to eat quicker with their new atheist owner – skipping prayer time and all that.

    • May 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

      HA HA! Very true indeed! And with so much less tithing, they get more steak too.

  8. Jack Sass
    May 19, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    My pets are safe, when my time comes I’m in charge of getting the beer. I forgot who’s getting the pizza, but I’m sure it’ll get covered. I hear the Devil throws the best parties anyway! 😉

    • May 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm

      Pizza, beer – I am coming to your house. Can I bring my dogs?

      • Jack Sass
        May 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm

        Sure, bring chips, we’ve got the salsa!

  9. May 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    I think this is so beautiful. Just brings tears to the eyes. And I wish to hell I’d thought of it first! heh.

    • May 20, 2011 at 6:56 am

      I can’t take credit for finding the original article that led me to write this “beautiful” piece, Phee. Jack Sass sent the article my way and I just went with it.

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