Biblemania: The Story of Lot | HumorOutcasts

Biblemania: The Story of Lot

April 27, 2011
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Every once in a while, I like to break out my favorite old book of wisdom. But I can’t find it, so let’s talk about the bible instead. I’ve addressed it in two previous segments. This time I want to talk about Lot. Not “Salem’s Lot” from Stephen King with all of the vampires. That story is the one that doesn’t leave me up at night creeped the hell out.

At the point in question, Lot lived in the city of Sodom. In the arts district, I imagine. Two angels showed up at his place and Lot knew they were sent by God. How he knew this is anyone’s guess. Because that district of Sodom had more than its share of fellows dressed in feathery boas. They came to chat for a bit, but were then on their way to the local inn. Lot insisted that they come in and stay at his place, even though they had plenty of available reward points. I can only imagine how many points you get just from one round trip to heaven and back.

Anyway, as is quite usual in these hip and trendy neighborhoods, a large gang of roving homosexuals showed up, demanding to have sex with the angels. (My realtor friends always say “Location, location, location!”) And these were not the angels on those Victoria’s Secret commercials. These were just clean-shaven single guys with wings, whose mothers could never understand their love of Bette Midler or why they hadn’t found someone special yet.

Well, admirably, Lot sprung to their defense and offered his virgin daughters to the mob for sexual favors, because there’s nothing an angry gay male mob likes better than female virgins. When they broke down the door in their leather caps and assless chaps, the angels used their magic powers to blind them all. To which Lot shouted, “Shit, now you tell me that you have magic blinding powers…AFTER I offer up my daughters as sex slaves! Nice going, do you know how bad this is going to look thousands of years from now! I’ll be a laughingstock.”

So the word was that Sodom was doomed. Perhaps a volcano. Or an earthquake. Or a professional sports franchise right-of-way. Who knows for sure? The angels told Lot and his family to flee and to not look back. Well sure, they always told us as kids to not look at an eclipse or our brains would melt like that guy at the end of “The Raiders of the Lost Ark”. But we peeked, and none of that stuff happened. So I think Lot’s wife can be excused if she took just a little peek back at the city. Oops. No. Apparently they were serious. Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt. Which sounds petty and vindictive, especially for the one righteous family in town. God apparently meant business.

With almost all of their net worth tied up in Sodom real estate, Lot and his two daughters were forced to live in a cave. The daughters’ fiances had been killed (God’s engagement present, I suppose. I think they’d have rather taken the toaster, all things considered.) in the destruction of the city, and they started feeling their biological clocks ticking. Which is totally designed in women and not any kind of result of evolution. So this biological clock, designed by God, who killed their fiances, persuades the two to get their own father drunk so that they can…(OK, you can stop here and switch back to Salem’s Lot if you are squeamish – I told you earlier!)…have intercourse with him so that they may become pregnant. Somehow they pull this off without their father realizing what has happened. I guess he thought he was just counting sheep.

OK, so here we have a righteous man who offers his daughter’s bodies to an angry mob. A vengeful God (what else is new?) who destroys a whole city and kills that man…no wait, I guess he was OK with that “offering up his daughters” thing…Oh yes, he kills the man’s wife for looking back at the city. Yeah, that’s way worse! And then you have daughters getting their father drunk and seducing him on consecutive nights. And you thought it sucked getting hand-me-down clothes from your sister. I can’t imagine this story possibly being any more messed up than it is already.

But alas, like many have told me before, “You just don’t understand the bible and the time that it was written”. Because surely something meant to be an instruction manual for thousands of years would be written to only make sense in the completely fucked up time that it was written. But indeed there are perfectly good reasons for what happens in a story that on the surface…and underneath…and in between…seems like utter fucking craziness.

Lot’s offering of his daughters for rape? Simply a lesson in helping out your neighbors. Cup of sugar? Sure! Rape of your daughters? No problem. Come again!

Lot’s wife turning to a pillar of salt? No, this is not an example of the alleged rampant misogyny found in the bible. It is actually a show of God’s love. Because women and wives were really easy to come by back then. But refrigeration for preserving meat? Unheard of! Back then, they used salt to preserve their meat. So you can imagine that this pillar of salt must have been worth its weight in gold!

The seduction of Lot by his daughters? Simply a parable to show the evils of booze. The lesson is “Don’t drink too much or you could easily end up having sex with a family member!” That beats the hell out of anything that MADD has ever come up with.

So you see how something seemingly crazy found within the bible actually has a very sound and rational explanation. Behold its wisdom!

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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5 Responses to Biblemania: The Story of Lot

  1. Theresa Wiza
    April 28, 2011 at 12:11 am

    I get it. Women were worth their weight in salt back then. And after the mother died, the daughters got their Lot. Makes perfect sense. Wait a minute – a guy has sex and doesn’t know he’s having sex? Strike everything I just said.

  2. lbwoodgate
    April 27, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    The Holy Bible, eh? Sounds like a teaser title. This is a classic case of being unable to judge the book by it’s cover. The should have gone with the Profane Bible, but then that might give it all away.

  3. April 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Actually, “Salem’s Lot” is a far more believable story.

  4. April 27, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Explain to me why he gave the angels his virgin daughters? What the hell kind of father does that? Explain to me why poor Mrs. Lot had to be turned into a pillar of salt? Couldn’t she just do some community service. These bible stories make reality TV look tame. As usual, great post.

  5. StephanieQ
    April 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    I like the description of the angels. Ass chaps – who knew heavenly angels even knew what these were?



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