He may have peaked four years ago, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to escape his inane drivel. That’s right… I’m saying that Dane Cook is a talentless tool. I know that I cannot be alone on this assertion. Regardless, I’m not writing just to discuss the acquired taste of his talents… today, I want to focus on his big head.
That thing is fucking huge.
Where there is a big head… there is obviously going to be a gigantic face… and for Dane it’s a pockmarked one, which makes the whole setup look rather lunar. It’s really hard to watch his stand up, which I do at times because my friends enjoy his work… which reminds me, I should get new friends. Even though I will admit that, at times, and on mute, watching a life-sized bobblehead doll strut around the stage is marginally entertaining, the verbal feces exiting his cratered visage isn’t remotely humorous to me.
When I was in middle school, the kids played this prank — if your hand was bigger than your face, you had AIDS. [How many of you just put your hand up to your face?] The kid unbeknownst to the prank, often times socially retarded yet intellectually superior, would place his hand up to his face and one of the other kids would slap or punch the nerd’s hand… causing the dork to slap or push his face really, really hard. If you’re detecting compositional angst here… yes, it happened to me a handful of times, but that isn’t the point. Asshole. The point is that Dane Cook will never get AIDS. There are no hands bigger than that face… not even in the NBA. With a dome and face that big, I am sure he is genetically immune to contracting the virus… and giving up his lunch money.
Not everything about Mr. Cook is awful though — I’m one to always find the silver lining. He does happen to be a big Red Sox fan and, as a part of Red Sox Nation, I cannot entirely loathe him because of this fact. Everyone has to have at least one positive, discernible quality… right? Dane entertains millions of people and that is something that I wholly respect, even if he does it with a squirrel-y, wobbly stage presence.