Dane Cook (The Roast of a Water Head) | HumorOutcasts

Dane Cook (The Roast of a Water Head)

June 7, 2011
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He may have peaked four years ago, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to escape his inane drivel. That’s right… I’m saying that Dane Cook is a talentless tool. I know that I cannot be alone on this assertion. Regardless, I’m not writing just to discuss the acquired taste of his talents… today, I want to focus on his big head.

That thing is fucking huge.

Where there is a big head… there is obviously going to be a gigantic face… and for Dane it’s a pockmarked one, which makes the whole setup look rather lunar. It’s really hard to watch his stand up, which I do at times because my friends enjoy his work… which reminds me, I should get new friends. Even though I will admit that, at times, and on mute, watching a life-sized bobblehead doll strut around the stage is marginally entertaining, the verbal feces exiting his cratered visage isn’t remotely humorous to me.

When I was in middle school, the kids played this prank — if your hand was bigger than your face, you had AIDS. [How many of you just put your hand up to your face?] The kid unbeknownst to the prank, often times socially retarded yet intellectually superior, would place his hand up to his face and one of the other kids would slap or punch the nerd’s hand… causing the dork to slap or push his face really, really hard. If you’re detecting compositional angst here… yes, it happened to me a handful of times, but that isn’t the point. Asshole. The point is that Dane Cook will never get AIDS. There are no hands bigger than that face… not even in the NBA. With a dome and face that big, I am sure he is genetically immune to contracting the virus… and giving up his lunch money.

Not everything about Mr. Cook is awful though — I’m one to always find the silver lining. He does happen to be a big Red Sox fan and, as a part of Red Sox Nation, I cannot entirely loathe him because of this fact. Everyone has to have at least one positive, discernible quality… right? Dane entertains millions of people and that is something that I wholly respect, even if he does it with a squirrel-y, wobbly stage presence.

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Joseph Boxer

JB is the author of Memoirs of a Serial Bachelor. He is a fan of all things manly -- his girlfriend, beer, autos, and sports. He also dabbles in some pseudo-masculine endeavors, including men’s fashion and the resuscitation of chivalry. He recently canned his agent for being an unmotivated boat anchor and is currently looking for new management.

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11 Responses to Dane Cook (The Roast of a Water Head)

  1. Jack Sass
    June 7, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Well… Is is “sorta” funny. But do looks really count all that much?

    • June 7, 2011 at 7:12 pm

      If you’re hiding behind a keyboard, no. If you’re on stage… in front of millions, yes. I believe so.

  2. June 7, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Yes, Dane Cook sucks. I think that it was because chicks were hot for him or something that he was able to get people to act like they were laughing. Hot for his big head.

    • June 7, 2011 at 6:24 pm

      It just means we have a chance, Eric. We have a chance!

      • June 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

        And I have a large head as well. Things are looking up, my friend…Looking up.

        • June 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm

          YES!!!

          • June 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm

            You two don’t stand a chance. Keep dreaming and keep walking 🙂

  3. June 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I heard a few of his routines and I thought, “Okay, that was funny,” but then I saw his performance on a comedy central or something like that show, and he was not funny. The visual was too much for me. Very funny post.

    • June 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm

      We do have the great luxury of hiding behind keyboard and computer… or pen and paper. It’s easy to criticize and say that we would do something different, something better. We may never get that opportunity. BUT… if we do…

      …if we do. 🙂

      • June 7, 2011 at 7:20 pm

        Not me. I am a coward. I will sit behind the pen and paper. I agree – being in front of a crowd is the hardest thing to do. I give Dane Cook kudos for his success. Just because I didn’t like the visual doesn’t mean millions don’t. Obviously, they do.

        • June 7, 2011 at 7:27 pm

          My face-to-face presence matches my written one. I like to think that only one fair shake would result in something spectacular.

          As for the millions of Dane Cook fans, they only like him because someone told them to… 🙂



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