Europe, I Think

I’ve never actually been to Europe, but I think I know a lot about it from what I’ve seen on TV. There’s no mistaking that they’re pretty backwards compared to the technologically advanced United States of America. Here’s what I’ve learned about Europe.

They have plenty of rotting food, and human waste. They have so much that they have to dump it on the street instead of flushing it down their non-existent toilets. The funny thing is that everyone is a peasant, and the Queen holds them down with her scepter, and they can’t advance, or learn how to read. I wonder if they imagine what life is like on the other side of the world, where we have cars, and bikes, and the Internet. We also have electricity, which would be new for them. But, I don’t think we should give them electricity, because it’s dangerous, and not a toy to be played with.

A lot of people like to go backpacking through Europe, and they also like to stay in windmills overnight, like Don Quixote. I imagine getting into a village, and having the toothless children flock to me, as I throw out American candy to them. They would think I was a superhero, if they knew what a superhero was. I think their imaginations are limited to potatoes, and castles.

They do have a lot of castles from the middle ages, but many years ago, the people were forced to move out of the castles, because the vampires needed a place to live, and vampires don’t like to live in horse stables, so the people moved into horse stables, and had to live in the hay. The fortunate part of living in horse stables though is that they have fresh meat for a while after the horses die, but Europe is filled with rotting food, so they keep it.

I heard that in London they have something called the Tube. We have something similar that comes out of our homes. It’s usually connected to our toilet through a bunch of pipes, and finally washes our piss and shit out to the ocean, or at least New Jersey. But anyway, this Tube thing they have is just an underground river of crap, and they have no way to get the crap into it without actually going underground themselves, and relieving themselves right into the Tube. Some people live there, and I imagine feed off the sludge created by the Tube, but I may have just made that up. Anyway, if I ever go on vacation to Europe, I’ll have to take a gas mask, because things can’t smell very good.

The people of the UK haven’t been free in a long time. For most of their existence, they’ve had to fall into line under the rule of a monarch, in other words, a King, a Queen, or on occasion, a butterfly. It’s not important, but they haven’t been able to be as free as us Americans in a long time. They must bow down to the Queen, and watch her grandchildren get married on TV, even if they just want to sit down and watch a nice game of cricket. It was about 100 years ago though, that something strange happened. This man named Big Ben came into London, and decided the monarchy needed to be stopped. He was a giant clock maker. Literally, he was a giant, and he made clocks.  He didn’t make giant clocks; he just made normal size clocks. He had a giant pair of glasses that he used, and he used tweezers that were as big as a man to make these tiny watches. Most of the time the watches he built were no good at telling time, and usually just fell on people, and killed them. Then a giant hunter group named the Sex Pistols came out in the 70’s, they included the legendary duo of Sid Vicious, and Johnny Rotten. They were tired of this Big Ben taking over the lives of the unfortunate humans, so they decided to start a punk band with the sole purpose of killing this giant clock maker, and all his followers. That’s when the battle of the bands started. Big Ben had a band too, but his band played polka music, while the Sex Pistols played much harder to listen to music. Eventually, after 4 days of competition, Big Ben’s head exploded, and there was brain matter all over the Thames River. The fish ate it, and eventually became sentient beings able to communicate with the humans. I hear that when you go to Europe now, they will try to talk you into taking all your clothes off and jumping in the river. So, keep a look out for hundreds, if not thousands of naked people jumping into the river, it’s a sight to behold.

There’s also a rumor that people from Europe have bad teeth. It’s true, mostly because of the rampant beheading of dentists in the early 1920’s. It was thought that dentists were actually the henchmen of Satan, which may or may not be true. But the clergy of the time made it a sin to be a dentist. It may be coincidental, but the clergy also made, and sold homemade candies, and sweets. The dentists would try to get the people to stop eating so much candy, and start brushing, but with the help of the Queen, all dentists were killed, and anyone wanting to be a dentist in the future would be executed by way of hanging in the middle of a public square. The square would be filled with women, and babies all crying out for their loved ones, but the clergy said it was the word of God, and that’s it, and don’t throw a fit, so people stopped having teeth. It’s true; you can look it up.

In another part of Europe, called Spain, they still believe in a man named Hannibal, who crossed the Alps with a troop of elephants. He was a legendary figure who went on to fight Alexander the Great, and Godzilla, killing them both with a swing of his club. He was a little crazy, because he would dress his elephants up like women, then slowly make love to them. I don’t know if that’s true, but it makes for a great story, he was lonely on those nights crossing the mountains, and it kept him going for the prize. The story goes, that when he encountered Godzilla in Japan, he had to take the worst shit in the history of shits, and he dug a hole to do it in. In the meantime, Godzilla killed everything in sight with his fire breathing. When Hannibal was done crapping, he found some leaves to wipe his ass, but they were all burned up from Godzilla. This made Hannibal angry, because he wasn’t a fan of itchy asshole. So, he vowed to kill Godzilla. He had heard the rumors, but nothing could prepare him for the encounter. It turned out that Godzilla was only 3 feet tall, and all the rumors about him being a giant were perpetuated by the fact that Japanese people are only a foot and a half tall, so they considered him a giant. When Hannibal saw Godzilla, he picked up a tree branch and swung straight for Godzilla’s head, and that’s how baseball was invented. Now, when you get third base, remember this story, and thank Godzilla for making it a reality. When Hannibal eventually found Godzilla’s head, he put it on a stake, and cooked it, ate it, and fell asleep. When he awoke in the morning, he was a lizard. It’s rumored, that the Hannibal lizard still haunts some parts of Spain, so beware when you’re over there, because he has a temper, and probably still has an itchy asshole.

One of the hardest parts of taking a vacation to Europe has to be getting used to their accents, because they speak a funny kind of English that doesn’t sound anything like our normal English here in the states. It takes a bit to get it, but when you do, you’ll be in for some kind of a treat to know that chips actually mean french fries, because in the UK, they don’t have the letter F. It’s true, the letter F was expelled from the country in the 1850’s, because it caused the King to get welts all over his body. If you don’t believe me, look it up, it’s true. There are no words in the English language with the letter F in it anymore. I like to remember the letter F in my dreams sometimes, then I wake up in a cold sweat, and I have to wash my “F”ace of with a cold washcloth, or else I’ll start convulsing, and may get thrown to the wolves. Not really, but my mom used to tell me she would throw me to the wolves, but I told her we didn’t have wolves, and she laughed, and said I was right, but we do have a garbage disposal, and that would hurt just as bad. I think she was right, but I never tested her theory. It’s not my place to question mother.

Be sure you take luggage to Europe that a gorilla could jump on, because most likely on your way into the country, that’s who is going to be handling your luggage. They employ a fair amount of gorillas in Europe, mostly because the rest of the countries have unionized, and the governments don’t want to pay fair wages, and gorillas work for peanuts, not literally, they literally work for bananas, and the UK has military in the Caribbean countries where bananas are grown, so it’s practically free. Anyway, if you happen to have luggage that smells like banana leaves, then good luck getting your stuff, because you’re likely to have to go naked on your trip, and Europe doesn’t sell clothing, except in Paris, where they sell all kinds of crazy stuff, mostly made of sharp wires, and meat. If you’re not used to wearing wires and meat, it takes a while to get used to, but once you do, it’s surprisingly comfortable, and often times yummy at the same time.

If you get a chance, please go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower, and make sure you take a picture of the tower positioned to look like you have an Eiffel Tower penis. If you don’t do this, they may not let you back into the United States, and you’ll have to live in a stable for the rest of your days.