I want to believe with every fiber of my being that people break into my house and steal my food. This is the best explanation I have for why my refrigerator is empty. I go shopping almost every day, but every night when I go to make lunches for the following day, there is no food. I am out of everything. I have to believe that I am the target of a well-established food burglary ring because the only other explanation I have is that I forget to buy what I need when I go to the grocery store. And that can’t be true because as I tell everyone, I have an amazing memory.
I can tell you what you wore when you came to my house for dinner 15 years ago. I can tell you a couple’s chosen wedding song for every wedding I have been to throughout my life. I can recall that Lisa Lawrence’s birthday is March 3rd, and FYI, Lisa Lawrence was my best friend in kindergarten back at PS 138 in the Bronx. See, these long ago details do not escape my steel-trap brain, but the fact that I am out of milk or turkey for lunches slips through the seams of my grey matter quickly.
Okay, I will admit that I have a short-term memory deficit, and like most women, I will chalk it up to hormones. I pretty much chalk up all my faults to hormones. My hormones are responsible for everything from my lead foot on the highway to my inability to mow the lawn in a straight line. Yes, if I allow them, hormones are my excuse for everything. And to be honest, I think I deserve that excuse, and I think all women do as well.
To counter my short-term memory issues, I keep lists. The problem with the lists is that I forget where I put them so I don’t take them with me when I go to the store. Without my lists, I tend to wander aimlessly down the aisles trying to remember why I was there; hoping something from the shelves will jump out and jog my memory. Do I remember? Never And what is worse is that I wind up spending $150 on crap that I know was not on my list but looked good on the special display that day.
I think stores in general rely on the hormonal upheaval of women. There must be some kind of retail term for sucking in perimenopausal females when a store wants them to make certain purchases. I wonder if there is some kind of scanner that goes off and alerts store management when a woman high on hormones comes through the door. Now, that I think about it, there are a lot of women hanging out in the candy and baking aisles. I used to think that there was a low blood sugar cluster in my area, but maybe it’s just a lot of hormones fermenting. It could be that stores have figured out the hormone thing, and this is why there is always a two-for-one promotion or a buy-three-and-get-a-fourth-free sale on the chocolate or bakery items. Maybe, I have fallen victim to this retail conspiracy against perimenopausal women and this is why I felt the need to convert one entire cupboard in my kitchen for my chocolate stash.
Wow, I got really off topic here, but a piece of dark chocolate does sound really good right now. Anyway, I think I might have to write a piece on the fluctuating hormones of women and the resulting short-term memory loss. Oh wait, I think I just did, Sorry, I forgot.