Forget Twilight: What it Means to Live with a Vampire | HumorOutcasts

Forget Twilight: What it Means to Live with a Vampire

November 18, 2011
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I saw on TV that the latest of the Twilight movies, Breaking Dawn, opens in theaters everywhere which means both teenie boppers and sexually-starved middle aged women will flock to see this romantic tale because let’s face it: Nothing says love like sucking all the blood out of your partner until they die and turn into an immortal monster.

Oh yes, this is true romance until one realizes what spending eternity with the same person means.  Do you think vampires have divorce court?  I can’t imagine that being with the same bloodsucker for 600 years or more is all that desirable.  No offense to my husband, but 600 years with any man– mortal or immortal–is too much to think about. I would be sharpening that wooden steak by year 150. Okay, there is the assurance that a vampire spouse will take you dancing at night, but other than that, what is there?  He can’t help around the house during the day – he has to sleep in the coffin. He can’t get a job, again the sleeping during the day in the coffin thing. He won’t appreciate your cooking – because he can only drink blood. So, really what are the advantages to being married to a vampire?

Well, people wouldn’t mess with you. If someone ticks you off, there is no better weapon for revenge than a monster who can literally make life a living hell for anyone who crosses his path.  Also, if all the films are correct, any desirable vampire comes with a mortgage-free mansion or castle. And paid off real estate in today’s world is a big plus.  There is also the perk of free air travel. Okay, you have to turn into a bat to fly but no extra luggage fees. Honestly, I could perhaps overlook my vampire guy’s nighttime insomnia and penchant for vials of blood for a debt-free lifestyle that included not keeping track of my frequent flyer miles.

The thing about vampires though is that they are always portrayed in movies as gorgeous hunks with manners, sophistication and smoldering good looks, but that is not face of a real vampire. A real vampire is a scary, hideous monster whose true looks would come out when he is alone in the castle with you.  How devastating would it be to know you gave up your soul and mortality for a guy who you thought had the face and body of (insert favorite actor here) only to discover that when the sun goes down he is more like a 300-year-old Hugh Hefner with a bad overbite?  Eternity doesn’t look so good now does it?

Well, for all those women who have planned their Twilight outings already, I say have a great time.  Enjoy your fantasies of lust and romance, but remember, if there are real vampires out there, approach with caution. A sexy nibble on the neck might seem cute, but down the road it cost you a lot more than a few hickies.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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8 Responses to Forget Twilight: What it Means to Live with a Vampire

  1. November 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    I have a unique idea for a script. There’s this guy who cannot go out during the day. At night, he most go out and feed on the blood of humans and….

    • November 20, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Billy, it will be a hit!

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    November 18, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    What if you could get a pre-nuptual agreement with an escape clause? Let’s say, if you both decide after 50 years that you can’t stand each other, you can split and go with someone better looking who has more blood stored in his freezer and who won’t mind going out for a steak now and then just to break the monotony.

    • November 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

      You know what Kathy, Mexico is doing just that only it’s two years. If you don’t like the person, you just part ways, no divorce needed. The contract is not renewed. I guess vampires can do this too!!! 🙂

  3. Deb Martin-Webster
    November 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Just my luck I’d end up with an immortal with erectile disfunction,600 years of no romance. . .

    • November 18, 2011 at 4:17 pm

      It wouldn’t work out for me either. the immortal thing: highly overrated I would think

  4. lbwoodgate
    November 18, 2011 at 9:11 am

    “I would be sharpening that wooden steak by year 150”

    This would make you very tolerant. I suspect that many women would not wait that long.

    • November 18, 2011 at 9:29 am

      well to be honest, I am a very patient person



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