Last year, I put together a challenging New Year’s resolution list. This year, I don’t think it’s fair to bore you with new goals until I divulge how last year’s list went. So, without further ado, the results of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2011.
(Oh, by the way, this type of self-reflection is brutal, so if you decide to analyze your resolutions from last year, I suggest you do so after you down a sufficient amount of champagne. It numbs the feelings of shame and worthlessness.)
1. I resolved to be the next Martha Stewart sans the prison sentence. Well, I did work toward this resolution in a logical and productive fashion. By this I mean I made a fruitcake from scratch with the help of a twitter friend of mine in Great Britain who is an amazing baker. He was proud of my effort, and the cake didn’t taste too badly. However, I am sad to report that my best friends in the kitchen are still Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. As for the no prison sentence thing: As of now, there are no outstanding warrants, tickets or charges against me. I say all in all, I did okay on this resolution. I will adapt well to it. At least, I will give it a try.
2. I resolved NOT to buy the next best hair straightening product that comes across my TV during a Sunday infomercial. Total accomplishment! I have given up on straightening my hair. It is curly, wild and well, it’s there. Anyone who cannot tolerate my corkscrew tresses, can bite me. I will not listen to friends, stylists and infomercials who promise to give me straight locks. They are full of crap. I am me, so everyone is going to have to live with it – unless of course, you really do know a system that is guaranteed to work. If you do, email me. Thanks.
3. I resolved to be a NASCAR Race Driver. I have to admit that I thought it would be fun to race around the track in a souped up car going 200 miles per hour. But then Danica Patrick came on the scene with her offensive, sexist Go Daddy commercials and the other idiots of the NASCAR circuit whocomplained about women nursing their babies in public.
4. I resolved to learn how to ski. Tried this, fell, hurt for days, and well, I think I have no talent. As I said last year, I do enjoy snow tubing especially if I am accompanied by three or four people who indulged on too many Christmas cookies. To be blunt, chubby people make the tube go faster. And with snow tubing, ski lodges are willing to take me in. Okay, most ski lodges – there was that troublesome tow rope incident which I cannot discuss until all legal wrangling are completed, but may I just say it was totally not my fault.