I want to make a difference in the world. After much reflection, I thought these contributions would be okay especially if the world ends at the end of next year. Then, I wouldn’t have time to screw up things too much.
How I Will Change the World for the Better in 2012:
1. Establish World peace – my philosophy – anyone who can’t be nice to each other has to leave the freaking planet. I will have shuttles ready.
2. Bring back employment- All companies have to re-hire everyone they laid off. I don’t care how these companies do it; they just better do it. It’s the land of opportunity for God’s sake, figure it out .
3. Raise money to send Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich and the other “We hate everyone except white, heterosexual Christians” on a world missionary tour to the most remote regions of the Amazon where they might, just might, fall into a volcano and never be heard of again.
4. Develop an alternative fuel car that does not resemble the Ringling Brothers’ circus car that holds 112 really, short clowns.
5. Reform the media and get rid of National Enquirer journalism which many news outlets have adopted so that they can ensure reads and ratings from blood thirsty, vengeance-fueled, social media addicts, who by the way, will be on the aforementioned shuttles for not knowing the meaning of the word “civil”.
6. Get rid of all authors who keep insisting that the only good sex is vampire sex.
7. Star in my own Paranormal Investigation show Why? Because it would be cool even if I never find anything. Hey, the TAPS guys didn’t find anything in their first three seasons. Of course, the network got impatient as all their rival shows did find stuff and so they screamed, “FIND SOMETHING!” and now TAPS find ghosts and demons every week – Suspicious?
8. Begin my awesome new singing career.
9. Equip the entire world population with new ‘miracle’ earplugs that can drown out my awesome new singing career.
10. Develop desserts that do not lead to obesity, diabetes or any other bad disease. Then, redo the food pyramid again and encourage everyone to include five to seven servings of dessert per day as part of their new healthy-living lifestyle. If I could do all this, life would truly be wonderful or at least a little worth living – at least until the Mayan end-of-the-world thing kicks in.