How to Buy a NEW Used Car

Got the car I wanted. Now all I need is the man!

I was sick a couple of weeks ago when I walked into a used car dealership. I had just come out of the hospital with a combination asthma, bronchitis, and pneumonia attack, so I wasn’t breathing well, and I looked ghastly. Scary really. I’m surprised anybody approached me, but I must have been fairly attractive because sales people from all over the car dealership leaped over cars to approach me. While I stood there I wondered what would be needed to open a car dealership like this one, a few cars, a bit of showmanship, would definitely need motor trade insurance, as a sales person came up to me I wondered how many there were out there.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” I told the guy who got to me first. “You haven’t won the lottery. I’ll be your cheapest prospect today. Believe me, you won’t even be able to buy a loaf of bread when we’re finished, so if you want to look for another customer, leave now.”

He looked around the lot before returning his focus to me. Probably because I was the only potential buyer on the lot that early morning hour, he stayed. And then I went into my spiel – “Before we work together, I must relate a story about a previous car dealership experience.”

His eyes glazed over, but he pretended to be attentive.

“Many moons ago (I’m part Cherokee), I walked into a car dealership and told the guy in utter honesty that I could afford to pay only $250 a month with my trade-in. I told him I didn’t play the I’ll-give-you-this-you-give-me-that game, you know, where you tell me what you’re willing to sell the vehicle for, I come back with a counter offer, you come back with another price and blah blah blah. The only games I like to play are Balderdash, Clue, and Crack the Code, so I did NOT want to play games with him.

After four hours of paperwork, he came back into the office where I had been sitting for FOUR HOURS (I felt I had to repeat – for effect – the number of hours I sat at that dealership), and with an exaggerated sigh, told me that after talking to his manager, all they could offer me was the car at $100 a month ABOVE what I could afford. I wish I did what my friend did and got something like an alloy wheels finance, it might have made my car look even flashier than what was I was going for.

After I glared daggers of hatred toward the man, I lambasted him: ‘I was being TOTALLY HONEST with you when I told you what I could afford and I am INFURIATED – did you hear me – INFURIATED – that you IGNORED MY WISHES and DELIBERATELY wasted hours of my life!’

I then stomped out of the dealership. Within seconds, he and his ‘manager’ (the person who supposedly had to approve the sale) scrambled to the door and into the parking lot to chase me.

‘Come back. Come back’, they pleaded. ‘We may be able to work something out!’ Ha ha ha ha ha! I knew they wouldn’t let me leave. I knew they were testing me to see if I would agree to their greedy terms.

I threw my head back, lifted my eyebrows, and let them know that I would give them a second chance IF they were telling me the truth.”

This new salesman listened attentively to my story, nodded at all the right places, and acknowledged my concern.

My air-conditionless Saturn sat in front of him, and I explained to the salesman that I needed a car with air conditioning, because without it, I tend to pass out. I explained what a danger I was to myself and everybody else on the road with the non-air-conditioned vehicle he saw in front of him and that he wouldn’t want to lose his entire family because I happened to pass out in front of them as I was driving. I also mentioned that I was born in Chicago and had mob friends.

In addition to air, I needed new tires, a great engine, a great transmission, a vehicle that needed no repairs, and one that would cost me around $100 a month with $3,000 down. Since I couldn’t breathe well, I asked him – because I couldn’t walk without running out of breath – to bring to me the car that fit that criteria.

He placed a crown on my head, sat me on a throne, and departed to the parking lot. Or maybe he threw me on a hospital bed and placed an oxygen mask on my face. I couldn’t tell. But I was happy that he never once said, Wow, what a demanding little “B” you are. I attribute his intelligent response to the fact that he understood me to be a woman who knew exactly what I wanted, a woman who settled for nothing less than what I asked.

In all honesty, I think he felt sorry for me because I couldn’t breathe, and because I looked as if I needed oxygen. But because on two separate occasions, I found exactly the car I wanted and needed, I feel qualified to offer advice on how to by a new used car.

Number one on my list of how to get a new used car is this: go to the car dealership sick. You’d be surprised by how quickly they want you out of there.

Second on the list of how to buy a new used car is: be honest. Honesty truly is the best policy, and if they lie to you, walk out.

Third on the list of how to buy a new used car is: know exactly what you want. I stated my intentions clearly and I got a new used car I could afford.

My new used Hyundai GX350 also came with items none of my previous cars had – keyless entry, power windows, and butt-warming seats (though I haven’t needed to see if they work and I’m kind of thinking that maybe they don’t, because of the other perk I was supposed to get with this car). I don’t even know how they work. I’ve looked for butt icons on my dash but I couldn’t find any. But I also have something else I’ve never had before. Now everyone’s sold with the amount of functions my car comes with. If you are a lorry driver who delivers goods, such as cars, you should look into 7.5 tonne Lorry Insurance to get the right amount of cover for whatever may happen. Better to be safe than sorry.

“You have sensors on the car that let you know when you back up too close to another vehicle.” WOW! Do they work when you get too close to the car in front of you too? I’ve had problems with that before. He didn’t hear me, but then I sometimes talk to myself in my head and maybe I didn’t ask the question out loud.

Anyway, I drove home, backed up to my house, and slammed right into the steps, putting the first dent into my brand new used car. Either the sensors don’t work at all or the sensors don’t kick in until they hit a portion of the car that doesn’t meet up with the bottom two steps.

Whatever. The car still works and now it’s time to shop for my ideal man, one who has a job he enjoys and that pays his bills, who doesn’t smoke, isn’t an alcoholic or drug addict, is encouraging and supportive of me, has a GREAT sense of humor, doesn’t cost anything, looks like Michael Weatherly…(so much more, but now that we’re down to 1/1000000000% of the population – can anybody direct me to a used man dealership?)

(original photo of Hyundai from msn.com – original photo of Michael Weatherly from deviantart.com)

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9 thoughts on “How to Buy a NEW Used Car”

  1. At least with cars, things work when you push the buttons. With men, you have to invest time and effort into the training process to get them to do what you want.

  2. I’ll have to try the “sick and dying” approach next time I buy a car. Thanks! And good luck with the guy thing, although, I think you should just be happy with the car. Seriously, you can trade cars in. Just say’n. 🙂

      1. That’d work. Just don’t pay too much, seriously, they should be giving them away. They’re only good for killing bugs and chasing off wildlife anyway.

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