I Dated a Deaf Girl



I dated a deaf girl for about a month during 2010. Here are eight reasons why it didn’t work out:

– She couldn’t hear me over the sound of how awesome I am.
– I couldn’t have sex with her… it’s really hard to ejaculate with her grunting and moaning like a retarded kid.
– I hated watching movies with subtitles, if I wanted to read… I’d pick up one of the books on my coffee table.
– She would stare at my mouth, trying to read my lips… have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is staring intently at your mouth? It’s difficult. Now I know what women feel like when I stare at their tits when they talk to me.
– When I was telling her about my first book, I felt it necessary to mention “You should be OK with it, it’s not an audio book… yet.”
– I couldn’t start jokes with, “Did you hear the one about…” I did a few times, but caught myself… “Shit, never mind.”
– She would never pick up the phone to call me… she always sent a text message. I hate text messaging.
– Because she did speak, on occasion, I had to learn a new language… one that was similar to conversing with a drunk person—speech slurred and barely discernible. I stopped by the Rosetta Stone kiosk in the mall… they couldn’t help me.

But don’t let this fool you, I still told her that it wasn’t her… it was me.