I Have a Teenie Tiny Stalker

I’m being followed. Yes, it’s true; someone is after me. It’s weird and also unnerving. However, I no longer check under the bed or in my closet like I did when I was a little girl when I was certain there was someone waiting to “get” me the minute I closed my eyes. Every morning, when I wake up my stalker is there. Each day, the first thing I do is drag my sleepy sorry ass to my computer to check my emails hoping against hope for some fun or riveting correspondence but nada.

Instead, there she is waiting like clockwork. Hmmmmm. I wonder if she’s in cahoots with my mother. Nah, Mom likes to work alone. Poof: On my screen appears yet another message from “The Bra Genie.com.” I’d prefer she was in a bottle rather than my laptop.

I have no idea how the pesky nymph got my email address. Could she be in partnership with WindowReplacement.com, a company which also pops up in my emails and for some reason thinks I own a window?

“I rent!” I want to yell at the screen but don’t. The Bra Genie is much more persistent and obviously knows me a lot better. “It’s true, little Genie, I need bras, but what scares me is …. How did you find out?” I’ve tried on bras in every lingerie department from Neimans to Target. I’m a bra tire kicker. I’ve left dressing rooms piled with them in a myriad of colors, sizes and styles. They looked nice on the hangar but pinch, itch, or ride up.

“Nope, nope, and nope,” I’ve told countless sales ladies who shake their heads in despair and confusion as I marched out of the store empty handed.

No bra for me. I long for the bras I burned back in the late sixties as I think those actually fit–to say nothing of how a bra costs as much as a Honda in 2011.

I couldn’t wait to wear a bra when I was a young girl. I didn’t care if I needed one or not, I just had to get out of undershirts. Now I’m a grown up with “The Bra Genie” haranguing me with the promise of comfort, no slipping straps and six for the price of three. “Get back in a damn bottle where you belong, Little Creature, and bring me Aladdin with a lamp and three wishes….none of which will be for a bra, but one might be for a Honda.”