If I’ve Learned Anything… | HumorOutcasts

If I’ve Learned Anything…

June 22, 2011
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This is an R-Rated Post:

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life of mine it’s that you just can’t trust anyone named “Rimshot” to do your taxes.

I’ve also learned that it’s really never okay to try and train your wife like a dog, giving her “treats” for good behavior (not peeing on the carpet, responding to “sit” commands). Nor should you wrap her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper should she exhibit bad behavior (peeing on the carpet, sleeping with your best friend Carl (Fuck you Carl!) at a Best Western motel while you and your six kids are at the Grand Canyon). It’s best, as it turns out, to not treat your wife like a canine at all.

Add to the list of things I’ve learned that it’s not safe to juggle chain saws on PCP. Sure, if you’re just doing a little coke, or a bong-hit or two, you’ll be fine. I mean, coke just focuses your mind for the task at hand, and pot just mellows it all down to nice little foggy day at the beach. PCP though, is just not conducive to juggling chainsaw, no matter how hard you try, you guys!

I’ve also figured out that politicians lie, cheat and steal. However, they also make rockin’ Mojitos that my best friend Carl (Fuck You, Carl!) can use to ply my wife with so she’ll sleep with him in a Best Western while my six kids and I visit the Grand Canyon. So maybe they’re not all bad, know what I’m saying?

But maybe the most important thing I’ve learned in my 48 years on planet Earth (well, almost 31, but it helps to round-up to seem more intelligent and/or wise) it’s that my best friend Carl (Fuck you, Carl!) had genital warts. And now I have genital warts, because of the fact that my wife and Carl slept together in a Best Western while my six kids and I were at the Grand Canyon.

James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, musician, bumblebee. You can find James' collective works spread like seed into the Internet. Specifically you can find him on Yahoo! TV, Yahoo! Sports, Associated Content, Into the Garbage Chute, Kneel Before POD and The JamboPlex.

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3 Responses to If I’ve Learned Anything…

  1. Jack Sass
    June 25, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Hiliarious, man! Me, I haven’t learned a damned thing. Stupid life! 😉

  2. June 22, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    He’s my best friend! Those don’t just come around every day you know! Besides, it was just three or four little mistakes in a Best Western.

  3. June 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Hm, I am pretty sure you and Carl don’t talk anymore then?



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