Is that Burning Hair I Smell?

I was having lunch with a friend, and she brought up the topic of her laser hair removal treatments. Now, immediately I became interested as this is the second time in about two weeks the topic has come up.  The first time I discussed hair removal was with a friend of mine on Twitter.  We were talking about getting revenge on whoever the “schmuck of the week” was in our lives, and I said,

“I can’t beat him up because that would mean I would have to go to jail, and they don’t let you shave your legs in prison, and I couldn’t cope with that.”

To which she responded,

“Get laser treatments first and then you do not have to worry about it!”

Now, let me emphasize that getting laser treatments did not make the difference between me doing bodily harm to someone or not – I don’t think so anyway. To be honest, the guy was an idiot on a major scale, so he did deserve some kind of comeuppance.  Anyway, the Twitter convo resulted in me getting a lot – and I mean a lot – of direct messages from men who wanted to weigh in on the whole hair removal topic.

This is how I break down the messages:  39 percent of the men thought no hair on women was extremely sexy; 52 percent said they didn’t mind some hair on women, and a weird 9 percent of men liked very hairy women which made me wonder if they had a “Bigfoot” fetish thing going on.

Are these numbers accurate? Absolutely not. I don’t do statistics. In fact, I only got a C+ in statistics in college and that is because I work-studied for the professors who taught Statistics and Logic. They were office mates and best friends and at the end of the semester when I took Statistics, the one professor said to me,

“I am giving you a ‘C’ because you brightened up our dull office, but the ‘C’ is predicated on the fact that you never do statistics in any professional capacity.”  Now, most people would be insulted by this, but me, I saw an opportunity. So, I said in my best negotiation voice,

“Give me a C+, and I promise your office mate that I will never practice Logic either.”

“Done!” they both said quickly.

I probably should have shot for the ‘B’ but to be honest, it was not deserved. However, I am proud to say that I have kept my word.  The science of Statistics and the art of Logic are nowhere to be found in my daily life.

I have digressed.  Back to the lasers.  My Twitter friend said she went for about six treatments – eight weeks apart– to remove leg, underarm and bikini-area hair.  At the end of the scheduled treatments she was hair free – everywhere! So, my mind started to think if this was a good option for me. I have to admit that shaving is a pain figuratively while waxing is a pain literally.  So, laser hair removal became one of those subjects that I stuck into my mental notebook with the promise that I would investigate later on.

So, a few days later, I was at the Macaroni Grill scarfing down my whole wheat vegetable pasta medley when my friend started to talk about her laser treatments that she was getting at her OB/GYN’s office.  I decided to be bold and ask for details.

“Do you have gray hair?” my friend asked.

“No, I haven’t gone gray yet,” I responded showing her the roots on my head.”

“Not there!” she snapped back.

It took a moment, but then the light bulb turned on.

“Oh…oh! Down there?  I didn’t know it went gray. I must have missed the lecture on the changing colors of pubic hair in my catholic school health class. Well, no then.”

“Well, you are still a good candidate.”

Go figure. She explained that laser treatments, which are FDA-approved, need to be done before hair turns gray because lasers cannot remove light-colored hair. I looked that up and it is true. It seems lasers work ideally on light skin and dark hair.

My next question had to do with pain or the lack of pain.  My friend said it feels a little like gentle rubber bands hitting your skin.  She said, it sounds worse than it is, but there is a burning smell sometimes, so she had to keep checking to make sure that her vagina had not caught fire.  I swear those were her words, and when she uttered them, the image that popped into my brain made me cough up my bowtie pastas.  Now, if you think this conversation was entertaining to me, you would have laughed to see how it affected the two men dressed in suits sitting next to us.

It took every bit of control I had in me not to turn to them and say, “What, you never heard of vaginas on fire before?”

In all fairness to the eavesdropping men, they might have been listening for tips as well. It seems that more men are embracing the idea of body hair removal. While eyebrows, necks and chest hair have been traditional popular areas for waxing, electrolysis and now lasers, some men are looking into reducing the amount of hair at their bikini line. Men don’t like to use the term bikini line, so let’s just say the area where their crown jewels reside.

My last question had to do with the costs.  It seems that insurance doesn’t cover laser hair removal. That is a shame because I would jump at the opportunity if it did. But most treatments run about $200 or so, and I just can’t justify that price tag. So, for now, the super silky razor or the torture of waxing is a more affordable alternative for me.  However, if there are any laser experts who want someone to write a review on the treatments, drop me a line. I am always open for negotiation as long as you can assure me that my vagina will not burst into flames.