While everyone was spending a lot of time making fun of Harold Camping, it turns out that he was actually quite correct on the date and time of the impending rapture. Jesus had made all of the proper arrangements you’d make for this kind of thing. The only problem was that he got cold feet. Yes, Jesus decided to cancel the rapture at the last minute.
“Well, it was all ready to go. You know Dad set this thing up after the flood…Seven thousand years exactly. He’s got a thing for even numbers.”
“Satan had cleared out some room in hell for those evil bastards that denied me, and I had been to Costco to get some chips and dip for heaven. We can’t rightly rock out to Debbie Boone without chips and dip. It was going to be sweet! The only problem was…I got to looking at the list of people who believe in me and…well, it wasn’t pretty. Damned if I was going to spend all eternity with those assholes.”