Judicious Sex and Congressional Congress | HumorOutcasts

Judicious Sex and Congressional Congress

May 19, 2011

WARNING: Only some of what is written here is factual. In order to help you comb fact from fiction, I have bolded all of the factual text in the following article.

One time I found myself in the middle of an orgy. This was no ordinary orgy though. It was an orgy that involved only current or former Supreme Court justices.

The sky is blue.

It wasn’t as bad as you’d think an orgy involving only current or former Supreme Court justices would be. It turns out that Justice Scalia is quite attentive to a lovers’ needs. His massage technique is equal parts passion and restraint, just like the opinions he publishes on important cases.

Abraham Lincoln is on the five dollar bill.

Justice Bader-Ginsburg was an absolute dynamo. Her “Dance of Pudding” had everyone in a lather before even a single item of clothing was removed. Maybe that’s why President Clinton nominated her; he knew better than us all that his mature lady could do things that should be illegal. Which brings up an interesting sidebar, if you will. Would she rule for or against her special talent’s legality should the case ever be tried in front of her?

It wasn’t all fun and games of course. Justice Clarence Thomas was surprisingly prudish. For a man known as the Supreme Court’s High Justice of Poontang he was very quiet and reserved. He hung out in the corner, mostly just watching and sipping on Diet Tab. Still, maybe he was just having an off night.

Sesame Street was better when no one could see Snuffy.

When it was all said and done, and post-Judicial Branch-Sex-Party cigarettes were lit up, we all just basked in the glow. Justice Souter puffed on a pipe as he donned his robe, winking at me. He slapped me on the back and said my technique and form was splendid, and he was glad I wasn’t held in contempt. I didn’t exactly know what that meant, but assumed it was some horny judge talk or something.

There aren’t any words in the English language that rhyme with “orange.”

As fine an evening as my orgy with the Supreme Court of the United States was though, I have to be honest. It didn’t hold a candle to the underground rave/sex den I helped start with 26 Senators from both sides of the aisle. Don’t let their voting records fool you, these people were into some serious kink.

James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, musician, bumblebee. You can find James' collective works spread like seed into the Internet. Specifically you can find him on Yahoo! TV, Yahoo! Sports, Associated Content, Into the Garbage Chute, Kneel Before POD and The JamboPlex.

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3 Responses to Judicious Sex and Congressional Congress

  1. May 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Those robes allow for action at a moment’s notice, and then in a flash all is proper again.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 20, 2011 at 8:57 am

    I think I’ve been “held in contempt” quite a few times . . . but then they never call. Funny stuff James!!

  3. Jack Sass
    May 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Well that’ll certainly give me nightmare for awhile! Eww! LOL

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