Since when did we all feel compelled to actually keep up with the Kardashians? In my opinion there’s nothing special about “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” since anyone, even a 10 year old boy with a gimp leg could keep up with their fat asses, I mean they can’t be that fast carrying that wide load in their pants.
Who are they, why do we care, and how can this show have been on the air for 6 seasons without somebody taking notice and tossing this pile into the Pacific Ocean? As I remember, this show was forced on us by Ryan Seacrest, and the brain trust at E! Entertainment Television. Thanks a lot, E!, keep up the great work, you’ve succeeded in sucking about 20 IQ points from the collective intelligence of the US.
If you haven’t seen the show, imagine a three-ring circus, then add more makeup, and a few more freak shows, and you’ll get the idea about what we’re talking about here. The show centers around the three grown Kardashian daughters, and their wildly meaningless lives. The ring leader of the family is Kris Kardashian, who obvioulsy is reliving her fantasy to be a psychotic stage mom of her 20-30 something daughters. She manages her daughters careers, which is amazing in itself, since I can’t find a career to speak of for any of them. What contributions are they making to society? None that I can tell, but there’s something voyeuristically amusing about the fact that these women can have successful lives, filled with money, and fame without being talented, or good at anything, at least on the surface. Let’s go back to the beginning.
One day about 17 years ago, a man by the name of Orenthal James Simpson “allegedly” brutally murdered his wife, and took the nation on a roller coaster ride that started with a slow speed pursuit on the busy LA freeways. The trial was a mockery headed up by the late Johnny Cochran, and a supporting cast of characters that would make Benny Hill blush. One of the members of the legal team was none other than the late Robert Kardashian, also a close personal friend of OJ’s. OJ’s bizarre spectacle shot Robert Kardashian into the spotlight, and changed all of our lives forever.
During this time, Kris Jenner, who was divorced from Robert Kardashian, couldn’t resist being vocal about her opposition to OJ, and her ex-husband’s stance on the case. This allowed Kris to get a taste for the spotlight, and she was like a vampire feeding on the blood of helpless rodents. She couldn’t stop, she wanted more, which is why I’m not making any accusations about her involvement with OJ, but hey, the glove didn’t fit, and Kris loved the spotlight.
Anyway, back to the point. Sometime in 2005, Kim Kardashian was dating popstar Brandy’s brother, Ray J, a mediocre R&B singer, who’s only claim to fame was sharing DNA with his much more famous sister, and would soon be sharing DNA with Kim. At some point late in 2005, a scandalous, very well directed sex tape featuring the two semi-celebrities was leaked on the web. It became an instant hit that compelled the nation. I’m sure we’ll all remember exactly where we were when we found out there was a Kim Kardashian sex tape, I know I was in the basement at the time.
The theory I’m proposing here is that Kris Jenner is a marketing genius, and that the “leaked” sex tape was orchestrated to build a shallow, fluff filled empire of non-celebrity celebrities. Think about it people, how else could it have happened that we were all hoodwinked? It’s because Kris is a mastermind, who controls our every desire, especially our desire for another sex tape she directs, featuring Khloe, or Kourtney.
So, is this why we watch? I’m not sure. It could be the same reason we stop to look at car accidents. We know there’s bound to be some ridiculous thing happening. It’s all good safe fun, right? Wrong. Think about it, there is at least one casualty. Bruce Jenner was once a male, world class olympian in the 70’s and 80’s, constantly setting decathlon records that would last for weeks at least, I can’t remember. Now, he’s old, deaf, irritated, possibly male, and thinking about his medals, and how he can use them to drown himself. Just remember, he’d be doing it for all of us.