KiddieProd: The Solution for Unruly Children | HumorOutcasts

KiddieProd: The Solution for Unruly Children

May 18, 2011
By

Recently, the wife and I have been at our wits end trying to get control of our kids’ poor behavior. We tried the usual tricks that most Americans employ, such as giving them more time with the television and video games, reducing their homework, and increasing their allowance to make them happier. But none of those methods worked, and in fact the kids’ behavior became worse.

First, I thought I could sell them. I’ve heard lots of news reports about people selling infants for thousands of dollars, so I figured I might be able to at least get $20 each for my used and defective units. I used Google and even craigslist, but had no luck. I guess gypsies are historically just not well connected to the internet.

But now it seems that all of our problems have been solved. Created by the same company that brought you such wonderful products as Snake-Be-Dead and Ratpocalypse, the KiddieProd(TM) is the answer to all of our prayers!

At one time, the kids would talk back to us, throw things at us, and would not even go to their room when instructed.

“No, you go to your room!”, they would shout.

Well, no longer. Once I unboxed my KiddieProd and charged it for a minimum of 12-15 hours with a simple 220V household plug as instructed, things changed dramatically. Their easy-to-follow manual instructs you to simply contact the child with the end of the KiddieProd and a ridiculously high but non-lethal voltage will be applied to their misbehaving body, bringing them into immediate compliance with your wishes. Recently, we gave it a try.

“I’m not going to my room!”

“BZZZZTTTTT”

Once they recovered their fine (and coarse) motor skills and were able to stand again, it was immediately off to their room. Of course, after changing their underwear first. The fantastic thing about the KiddieProd is that even if I forget to charge it, I can just wave it in the air and they are off to their rooms like a shot!

Despite the amazing effectiveness of the product, the creators do realize that there may be a risk of social backlash against those using this product. Which is why they thoughtfully ship each KiddieProd in a generic brown box marked “Books” and sheath it in brown paper. Though this product is a $3000 value, your credit card is conveniently yet discreetly billed by “Parental Educational Aides, Inc.” for 3 easy payments of $39.95. Your neighbors will ask, “What’s your secret?”, and you can tell them “some good parenting books and lots of love”!

Thanks again, KiddieProd!

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

More Posts - Website - Twitter

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , ,

6 Responses to KiddieProd: The Solution for Unruly Children

  1. lbwoodgate
    May 19, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    And its great for frying bacon when you’re in a pinch

  2. May 19, 2011 at 1:52 am

    Where was this amazing product when my kids were growing up? Although it’s a good thing it didn’t exist when I was a kid.

  3. May 18, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Hm, I was thinking, does it work on grown men after all they are almost just like children? Does it sense the age difference?

    • May 19, 2011 at 1:53 am

      Heyyyy, I resemble that remark!

  4. Fran Brockmyre
    May 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Well at least you’re not using it on Republicans, yet.

  5. Jack Sass
    May 18, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Should I be worried that my wife bought one but we don’t have kids? I mean, what do you think she’s planning to use it for? Surely she isn’t planning to use it on me, right? If she even tried, I’d (Zapping sound) &#$)(%^HGSDFIIYKHGDF)OJGKSDFJ ()IOOJKDAS



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
Lite Whines and Laughter: Mild Rants and Musings on the Mundane
By Lee Gaitan and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
It Comes From Within: Living with Bipolar Illness
By Michael Solomon. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle



Archives