King of the Squirrels | HumorOutcasts

King of the Squirrels

May 17, 2011

This morning on the way to work, I came upon a pair of squirrels moving slowly across the road. I don’t think they noticed me, so I slowed down to avoid making squirrel pancakes. They finally saw me, moved aside, and then expressed their appreciation for my act. They said I was their savior and they wanted to worship me for the rest of their lives.

I told them that it was no big deal to me. I have good vision, good brakes, and a liberal attendance policy at work. I downplayed the whole thing, since I would hope that most people would have done the same. So, I thanked them for their offer to make me their King and Savior, but explained that I would feel kind of embarrassed and silly to take such credit for something that required so little effort from me.

Besides, what on earth would I do with a truckload of acorns, anyway?

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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8 Responses to King of the Squirrels

  1. Jason Escape
    May 17, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    The squirrels in my backyard were talking about you this evening, Eric. Word gets around. There is some confusion as they seem to think that you are indeed their savior. At least the New England Chapter of Squirrels does. I will keep you posted.

    Peace always,

  2. lbwoodgate
    May 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Give ’em to Julie Wimmer’s son. He’ll name them for you and give them a nice home.

  3. Jack Sass
    May 17, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Talking to squirrels again huh? Don’t do it man, people will think you’re… NUTS! 😉

  4. May 17, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Talking squirrels? And you understood them Eric? Forget the acorns, and get them an agent.

  5. May 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Uh Oh! I think I killed the king’s helper last month. Does this mean I am damned for all eternity? Damn, just when life was finally going good. Can you put in a good word for me?

  6. Rachel
    May 17, 2011 at 11:17 am

    PS – did you tell them they ought to keep worshiping you, even though there were days you didn’t have the capabilities or time to save others of their same race?

    • May 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

      No, but squirrels are pretty self-centered, so I think they’ll just come to that same conclusion on their own.

  7. Rachel
    May 17, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Apparently some deities I could name don’t have the same level of self-esteem as you do.

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