Leaving the Pasties Behind

Learning annexes always send me brochures and schedules on inexpensive classes I can take in my free time. I normally circle about five courses that interest me from automobile repair to past life regression. Yes, I go the gamut. Unfortunately, my work schedule rarely meshes with any of the courses, so the brochure usually winds up in the trash along with my dreams of being able to change my own oil or my desire to learn about my former life as a prostitute for the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Yes, a psychic once told me that I walked the streets ready to please the South’s finest. That must explain my weakness for fried chicken and men in gray suits.

The latest brochure came a few days ago, and it came from a local theater that offered classes to adults and kids. The kids’ classes were the typical how to project in front of a live audience or learning to develop characters. But the adult section had something unique: Introduction to Burlesque.   Of course, this class caught my eye –well, what do you expect? I was a hooker in an earlier life, so it makes sense that burlesque would capture my interest. Anyway, the class tuition included the history, theory and practical applications of burlesque – and pasties! You got your own pasties! I was intrigued.

As I read on, the class included six-weeks of burlesque dance instruction and the final class was a recital which was open to the public. My first question to this was: who goes to a burlesque recital? I would think that burlesque is a type of entertainment that does not work with amateurs. I would assume that those who like burlesque, would want to see “good-body” burlesque not “middle-aged-women-who-thought-Pilates-was-boring-and-were-looking-for-something-more exciting-to-get-them-to-exercise burlesque. If I didn’t have to dance in front of people who could only afford to see free burlesque and the pasties were truly for practice at home, I might have signed up for the class. However, since I cannot even get the guts to wear a two-piece bathing suit in public, I’m pretty sure dancing around with just pasties on in front of the neighborhood men was out of the question.

Sometimes when an idea is pretty farfetched, it tends to loiter in my brain a few days. I think that is my head’s way of trying to get me to like the idea. So, during the days when the burlesque class was squatting in my mind, I happened to have an appointment with my chiropractor. While we were chit chatting, I mentioned the burlesque class to which she responded.

“Oh my God, I have been to one of their recitals!”

“What the hell were you doing at a free burlesque recital?”

“A guy took me. It was our first date,” she said matter-of-factly.

“What kind of kinky guy takes you to a burlesque class recital on a first date?”

“I probably won’t see him again. I was a little put off.”

It turned out she was the only woman watching the recital, and the guy she was with didn’t really care that she was uncomfortable, which made us wonder why he took her to this show. We listed many reasons for his choice of venue, some were funny, and some were deeply disturbing. In the end, we decided she probably wouldn’t date him again.

Well, a few good things came out of this chiropractic session. My neck doesn’t hurt, I no longer have any desire to dance around in pasties – while attending a burlesque class anyway, and we made a new list of traits that my chiropractor should look for in men.  All in all – not a bad hour’s work.