Men and Brazilian Wax: Two Terms that Should Never Go Together | HumorOutcasts

Men and Brazilian Wax: Two Terms that Should Never Go Together

June 1, 2011
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There was an oil spill, so I wanted to visit the beach again before it got completely covered with crude.  Somehow, a black, sticky beach would be less romantic. You can’t bury your sweetheart in the sand when it’s covered with that oily goo. 

I got a new girlfriend over the weekend; she too lives in the trailer park.  She is a young redheaded fireball named Ginger. Ginger wants to go along to the beach with me, so I want to look my best when I get there.   Ginger and I made a trip to town to buy me a new pair of swim trunks.   Ginger pointed at a pair of black bikini shorts and said, “I bet you could make those bikinis look gooooooooooooooood Tom!!”

 Jokingly, I tried them on. They really weren’t me but Ginger went wild over them!  So Ginger got her way and it looks like I’ll be sun bathing at the beach in a bikini.  But after looking in the mirror it was apparent that I would need some kind of grooming in that area before I could wear such a thing in public.  Ginger said, “Not a problem Tommy Boy, we’ll just head down to the salon for a quick waxing!”

 I said, “A WHAT????”

 Ginger said, “Come on you big baby, it only hurts for a minute!”

So we bought the bikinis and headed down to the local salon. At the salon a young Asian girl was elected to help me.  Her first question to me was, “Would you like the standard waxing or the Brazilian?” 

I’ve always been a big fan of the Discovery Channel, but I can’t recall them ever showing a documentary on Brazilian Bikini Waxing!  So not knowing the difference, I thought the Brazilian sounded kind of exotic so I chose that.  Who wants the standard of anything?  Right? 

The Asian girl asked me to remove my clothing, lie down on the table and cover my “privates” with a small cloth that she handed me.  Wanting to make a good impression on my Ginger, I jokingly said that I would need a much bigger cloth to cover what I was packing.  I should have realized something was terribly wrong when Ginger and the Asian girl looked at each other and laughed loudly at my request.

The girls left the room, and I did as I had been instructed, trying to strike a seductive position on the table before calling them back into the room.  I was lying there in all my glory when the girls crept back into the room. Ginger held my hand as the Asian girl, who said her name was Ihurtufordollar, began mixing something in a bowl.  The bowl contained warm wax and when it was being applied, Ihurtufordollar was mumbling something in her native language.  I understood a few words: she was saying words like thick, woods,bear and unbelievable. It sounded as if she was impressed with what she was seeing down there, and the warm wax actually felt pretty good so I began to relax.

After the warm wax, Ihurtufordollar pressed some fabric over the wax. I smiled at Ginger; thinking to myself that this is no big deal and the payoff is going to be huge.  In the very next moment, I had an epiphany.  I realized why I was given a small cloth to cover my privates. It was going to be a long time before anything below the belt would be huge again.

Without warning, Ihurtufordollar grabbed a piece of the fabric and ripped it away from my body.  She swears only the hair was removed, but it felt like my skin, family jewels and a couple of major blood vessels were ripped from my body as well.  I screamed out curse words that I didn’t even know I knew as I tried to sit up and have a look at the damage.

Ginger is stronger than she looks.  She slammed me back down on the table as Ihurtufordollar ripped more of my lower body away.  That’s the last thing I remember.  I passed out from the pain, but I told Ginger that I fell asleep.  When I came too … er, awoke from my nap, I was covered with a bed sheet, soft music was playing and candles were lit in the room.  I thought I was dead!  I quickly looked at my lower half, which was now red, bald and swollen with the center area being much smaller than I remembered.

I bought a black bikini and had this wax job just so I could go to the beach and impress Ginger. After all this torture, I’ll have to sit in a beach chair and watch Ginger frolic in the ocean.  Salt water is not something I want to come into contact with right now.

All in all Ginger was correct; I can make those bikinis look good after two hours of living hell and 10 minutes of arranging things around so-as they will stay inside of the elastic borders.  Honestly, it is a change keeping things from being exposed. It makes me wonder if women have this problem also.

Oh yeah, if you’re wondering if Ihurtufordollar gave me the Brazilian wax, I’m not sure, but I feel a draft near my back exit that I’ve never felt before.

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8 Responses to Men and Brazilian Wax: Two Terms that Should Never Go Together

  1. Mayor Lund's Redneck Cousin
    June 2, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Hahaha! Ihurtuforfree!

    • Mayor Lund
      June 2, 2011 at 7:18 am

      Trust me, it wasn’t funny at the time!

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    June 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I think my retinas just imploded.

  3. June 1, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    There has to be an easier way, ouch.

  4. June 1, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    hahahaahahahaha and ew!

    • Mayor Lund
      June 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm

      You want to give me a hand for my next waxing Julie?

      • Jack Sass
        June 1, 2011 at 9:46 pm

        You’d do it again! Yikes!!!

  5. June 1, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    The Mayor in bikinis! A sight that one needs to mentally prepare for!



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