My First Ménage à Trois


Last weekend, my girlfriend and I got a dog. A female dog. “Bitch” is the appropriate term, if I recall correctly. We had been visiting a local shelter once or twice a week for the last three weeks and even though we didn’t intend on bringing a dog home… we did… and it was the same dog we had been hawking each time we visited the shelter. She’s a mutt, not my girlfriend… the dog. My girlfriend is a supermodel. The dog is the perfect mix of Labrador and Beagle. When I say “perfect mix” I mean she has the size, temperament, and floppy ears of a Beagle, with the coat, face, and bark of the Labrador. “Cute” is an understatement…

This is the first dog I have had in my adult life, having grown up with a Beagle and an Alaskan Malamute between the ages of five and twelve. Naturally, now that I am 30, I have some adjustments to make…

The first night we had our new dog, I had to get up at 4am and walk her. This was new to me because before this moment, when I have been up at 4am, it’s because I haven’t went to bed yet. This was the first time I have heard the words “It’s your turn” from my girlfriend without it relating to sex or the shower.

When I sat down to work (write) on Saturday morning… the dog strolled up and put her head on my lap. Adorable, right? When I didn’t respond to her affection, she put her paws on my leg. When I didn’t respond to that sign, she took it upon herself to dig her nails into my leg and play my thigh like a piano. That’s not so adorable to me.

The dog barks at everything, including nothing. Other dogs, squirrels, the wind, the blinds in the living room… my home was once a quiet sanctuary. When she barks at nothing, we share a glance… I’m wondering what she is barking at and she seems to be wondering the same thing—utter confusion.

The girlfriend and I are in bed, kissing and petting each other. After all this time together… things are still very new and exciting between us, which is incredible. Of course, this seems to be the perfect time for the dog to sneak up and lick my toes… like a creepy, toe-licking ninja. When I stop my kissing and groping of the girlfriend, she asks what’s wrong and then notices the dog licking my feet. My reply: “Sweetheart, I think this counts as a threesome. At least, that’s what I am going to tell the entire world.”